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A Retrospect
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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A Retrospect |
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Moon_stone Junior Member
since 1999-11-25
Posts 11 |
Hi, can you give some comments/advice on this poem ? A Retrospect. --------------- I was an island far away. Surrounded by listless, lifeless waters. You were a lone traveller in the great sea. What allured you to an island ? Was it me or you ? Who broke the Ice. Im I a culprit or innocent ? Or you a snob or simpleton ? Did my heart melted itself or you did it ? You stood there on the shore like a lost child. My heart went out like a mother to hold you tightly. You stopped crying and smiled, I felt happier- And closed my eyes, slipped into bygone eras. I awoke, you smiled disarmigly. The kid was gone, you stood there where he was I lost sence of time, my eyes blurring. Yet I smiled at you like the way you did when you were the kid. Moon_Stone. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
You've got interesting metaphor in the first stanza; why do you leave in the second stanza and seemingly shift it in the third? I would have stayed with the idea of you being an island and the other person a child, trying to show that relationship all the way through the poem. |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
i'm unclear as to what this poem was about. at first i perceived it to be about a person being rescued from loneliness by a child. but there are parts in here that seem to contradict what i think. "did my heart melted itself, or you did it?" the voice of this line changes. "melted" should be "melt". and "or you did it" should be "or did you?" the line doesn't makethat much sense in context wiht the rest of the poem. why does the child grow up? are you speaking as the child's mother? at times it seems like you are not. you say that the child comes to you on this island alone. was the child adopted? another theory that i have about this one is that it was a lover you met in your youth and didn't truly appreciate untill later on. i know that has to seem unfounded, but there are times when the child seems less like a child and more like a partner. for example: the child being described as a lone traveler. that implies that the child knew where it was going, but would a child have such direction? well these are only thoughts. thank you for sharing your poem with us. |
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Moon_stone Junior Member
since 1999-11-25
Posts 11 |
Thanks Brad, I lost the grip after the first stanza. I wished to retain the same relationship but was carried over. Next time, hope to I will be able to keep this in mind. Moon_stone. |
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Willem Member
since 1999-11-18
Posts 139Inverness, FL, USA |
You have the material for a beautiful poem here: intrigueing story, analytically told, and believable. But you may wish to rewrite it, paying more attention to word choice, spelling and meter (rhythm). |
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Moon_stone Junior Member
since 1999-11-25
Posts 11 |
Thanks,I agree with you Willem, I am not much used writing in English. All those things I really wanted to convey were never told propery. That is the problem. Moon_Stone. [This message has been edited by Moon_stone (edited 11-29-1999).] |
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