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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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For Heather |
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YodasGhost New Member
since 1999-11-20
Posts 8Escondido.CA, USA |
For years to come the stars will run from blazing sun each day A Fable told, a Life grows cold and dreams are sold away Though we may fight throughout the night a distant light may call Like wooden mast, and walls held fast one day at last, we fall But fear not Sleep, nor thoughts held deep a Pain we keep inside for dawn will wake, and day may break as life we take in stride. -This was my first poem i ever wrote, I previously submitted it to the site, and had good response. Please let me know what you think. YG [This message has been edited by YodasGhost (edited 11-26-1999).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 YodasGhost - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Laura Junior Member
since 1999-11-26
Posts 26 |
I think that your poem is wonderful. It shows great emotional value and is beautifully written. Spectacular job! ------------------ Laura |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
yodasghost-- mechanically this poem is excellent. your aa / ab / cc / cb rhyme scheme is intricate and very well done, and your meter is absolutely perfect. (this is the iambic ballad stanza, poertree, if you're reading this.) i know you said in another posting that you don't edit your poems, you simply express your feelings and you don't change a word for fear of changing or adulterating that expression, but this is hardly stream-of-consciousness writing here. no-one spontaneously expresses his/her feelings in perfectly metered lines of alternating iambic tetrameter and trimeter with internal AND end rhymes, lol. at all events, this piece is very, very well crafted. but... perhaps a little editing might be in order? i for one am confused about what you are trying to say in this piece. first of all, i think there's a typo in the last line of the second stanza; it should be "ONE day, at last, we fall", shouldn't it? anyway, what confuses me is this: i read the poem as saying that one day, a distant light MAY call... but we WILL fall. and that dawn WILL wake, but day MAY break. i just don't get it, you seem to be contradicting yourself here. i think you're saying the "distant light" is death, a passage into another world of pure light, but wouldn't it be certain to call, then? wouldn't the day be certain to break? if it is not certain that the day will break, that we will go to heaven or enter the realm of pure light, your advice not to fear Sleep or Pain rings a little hollow. what happens if death comes and we don't get to go to the light? the message of the last stanza -- don't worry about it, take everything in stride -- is not particularly comforting if YOU'RE not even sure what happens in the "morning". another thing i can't figure out at all is the first stanza. "a Fable told, a Life grows cold / and dreams are sold away" ... what does this mean?? what am i missing? how is this connected to the rest of the poem? i hope i'm just being dense and that i've missed something obvious here. it'd be a shame if such excellently crafted lines were in service to a muddled message. |
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YodasGhost New Member
since 1999-11-20
Posts 8Escondido.CA, USA |
Thank you Jenni for you thoughts. Yes, the word is suppose to be ONE, it is a typo on my part. I did not say that i didnt think of how the poem sounded as i wrote it, of course no one writes in perfect meter and foot, my thought was to express after the words were on paper, or in "my book" as i say, then they are there for good. and you are not the first person to mention the fact that I write the words day may break. I see the the point of contradiction myself, but maybe that is the point. Stanza one is a precursor to the way we live and are taught to believe that everything will work out, such is the Fable.And as we grow older we realize that not everything works out like we want, People die, we go on, and the sun will rise tomorrow. Anyway, thank you Jen, i appreciate the comments.YG |
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Kenneth Ray Taylor Member
since 1999-11-11
Posts 139Duluth, Minnesota, USA |
Your poem is beautiful and precise in form. I was a little afraid to read your poem since I was under the mistaken impression that you never edit them. You obviously are very good at editing. I recently posted my wife's favorite of my poems ("The Ten Words")in the Spiritual Journeys section. And though I've left this poem unchanged for years and have distibuted hundreds of copies of it, I was still compelled to make the change they suggested. My poem started: The mountain smoked, the thunder pealed, when these Ten Words our God revealed. It now reads: The mountain smoked, the thunder pealed, when Ten Commandments God revealed. And everyone (including my wife and myself) delight in this change. My editing is never done, until I die. |
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