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Seasonal Blister
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Seasonal Blister |
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jfkinyon Junior Member
since 1999-09-18
Posts 34Burbank, CA. USA |
Seasonal Blister Autumn's flair for forcing Winter's depression is otherworldly. Seasonal cycles override optimistic fancy with brutal force. Once and over against my will Hell rises triumphantly feverish. But, beware sweet spiteful bliss for my time shall surely heal again. -------------- This was a quick one - a first draft. This is how most of my writing starts. I'll probably tear this apart and rewrite it until it's completely unrecognizable. Is this a common way of writing poetry? I'm curious. Thanks. |
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| © Copyright 1999 J. F. Kinyon - All Rights Reserved | |||
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
don't tear it apart!!! i think that's it's quite good. edit it maybe, but no tearing please. something that i often do, although i admit that most of poetry is written in one sitting at the computer and then submitted without even looking at it, is to rewrite the piece at least twice. that way, you will easily recognize something that you want to emphasize or cut out. of course i mean copying the poem down word for word. then, go over it and find what you hate. possibly read it aloud a couple times. if i hate something when i read it aloud, it's gone, i just delete it and try another avenue entirely. but please, for the sake of everyone who has yet to read this poem, don't tear.  |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
For every writer, there's probably a different technique to write a poem and indeed a lot of poets here do write and submit with little or no revision. I'm not that way but I've certainly read enjoyable poems that have been written in this 'ecstatic' mode. What follows of course are just suggestions: Autumn's flair for forcing Winter's depression is otherworldly. -- 'otherwordly' strikes me as a strange word when talking about nature. I would think about using a different word to show the strangeness of this world. Seasonal cycles override optimistic fancy with brutal force. --consider expanding this stanza into many stanzas so that the reader can 'see' a clearer picture of what you mean. A strong image can turn this into a very powerful sentiment. Once and over against my will Hell rises triumphantly feverish. --'Hell'? -- pretty strong word (if you haven't read any of my other comments yet, you should realize that I am not a fan of hyperbole). Try to invoke a similar image without the 'eternal damnation' thing implied with that word. But, beware sweet spiteful bliss for my time shall surely heal again. --This is the strength of the poem. You actually have an epiphany, a moment of understanding, of seeing something in a different way, (ecstatic poems by their very nature often neglect this part). While I think you might want to try a slightly more conversational style, the mood here, to some extent, does create a certain steadfast certainty which works with the theme. Just an opinion, Brad |
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jfkinyon Junior Member
since 1999-09-18
Posts 34Burbank, CA. USA |
Thanks for the comments and suggestions. I'm going to work on this one using Brad's suggestions and see how it turns out. ------------------ J. F. Kinyon copyright 1999 all rights reserved members.brandx.net/user/jfkinyon/rhyme.html |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
jfkinyon: I agree with roxanne that you should not tear this one apart. Some word choice changes (Brad has some good suggestions) and building on the thoughts of the second and fourth stanzas will only serve to strengthen this poem. I also agree that "otherworldly" and "Hell" do not seem to flow with the theme of the poem. I might substitute "disquieting" for "otherworldly", but this is only my opinion. And maybe something like "Winter's wrath rises" rather than "Hell rises." Just a thought. Good work. I look forward to reading the finished product. ------------------ Jim "If I rest, I rust." -Martin Luther |
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