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Critical Analysis #1
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Pinocchio
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Pinocchio |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA 
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Pinocchio Like a puppet on a string, I lived; he my Geppetto, always in control. Everything guided by his moves, my life not my own. I could not feel. I could not cry. Heart inaccessible in my chest of wood. I spent my life on a shelf, looking down from above, wishing only to be real. I ran away one day, seeking freedom, but found myself in a world of lies that didn’t live up to my expectations at all. My wooden arms incapable of holding. My wooden heart unable to love. I hid in the circus of my mind, put myself on display in a freak show called Life, and dreamed of better things. You came to me like a fairy in my dreams, the reality of you unbelievable. “Grant me life,” I begged. “Let me live once more.” “Free me with your love.” I drifted back off to sleep and awoke, alive, in your arms. My wood is now flesh; I move without strings. ------------------ Alis volat propriis (She flies with her own wings) |
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| © Copyright 1999 Ruth Kephart - All Rights Reserved | |||
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
i liked it, you did a good job of describing the puppet and the emotions of someone without freedom. i can't really offer any advice.  |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
roxane... thank you, as Brad says, critique can also be good. Although I myself can see some faults with this piece. Ruth ------------------ Alis volat propriis (She flies with her own wings) |
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DramaMama Junior Member
since 1999-10-28
Posts 47Louisiana |
Ruth, I like the Pinocchio metaphor, even though it does not carry through, since the love of Geppetto is what brought Pinocchio to life. The suggestion of the wooden puppet being controlled by another is sufficient. The line "the reality of you unbelievable" seems unnecessary. If someone comes to me "like a fairy in my dreams," I'm not going to believe the reality of anyway. Maybe put a line that describes the fairy. And if you were dreaming, why did you "drift back off to sleep"? I'm not sure if the speaker is awake or asleep. Another unnecessary phrase, I think, is the reference to life in the "freak show called Life." Would the reader still get the idea if you left that out? or maybe change it to "Life's freak show." There are a few other punctuation changes I would recommend, if you would like to hear them. Overall, nicely done. Pat |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Ruth, I agree with Pat about the Pinocchio metaphor, but I would go further and say that for anyone who knows the story well the title of the poem and the naming of Geppetto interfere to some extent with the metaphor. For me this had the effect of distracting me from the real point and meaning of the poem (I was so busy thinking about the other main elements of the Pinocchio story and how they might fit into what you were trying to say,which, of course, in the main they don't). I think that what Pat was saying, and what I agree with, is that the simple image of any wooden puppet being controlled by strings would have done (although you'll then be in danger of bringing to mind Sandie Shaw's "Puppet on a String" - remember that !!!?? - be careful it'll date you (lol)). The only other comment I'd make is that the third stanza seems a little cliched: "fairy in my dreams" "Let me live once more." "Free me with your love." all seemed to me to be phrases I'd heard before - although I have no idea whether that really matters or not. Also I have to admit I had a hard time digesting: "the reality of you unbelievable." I guess its my horrible logical streak cutting in again , but reality and unbelievable just seemed wrong so close together.Anyway you know all about my non-existent powers of critique now ... so on the assumption that I won't get sued by Brad for breach of copywright .. I'll sign off with...... Just an opinion Philip |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I liked the 'reality of you unbelievable' line because, well, certain parts of 'reality' are pretty unbelievable and the almost internal rhyme just sounds great. I also think the metaphor is well done but I do have the same reservations that others have mentioned. I see another problem as well though in that the poem literally implies that 'you' move from one control freak to a man who makes you feel real. Isn't that just another form of control (just positive instead of negative). I think if you'd brought out the character of the second unnamed person and shown us that he/she is showing you freedom instead of giving you life, I might find the piece a bit more satisfying. If the character in your dreams is yourself, I would definitely try to make that clearer but not so clear as to ruin the possibility of another individual (Does that make any sense?). Wonder if you might try a different wording than 'called Life' -- seems a bit jarring there. Just an opinion, oh, sombody said that, just me, oh, that's someone else, Justin (not even going to go there). It's only me. Brad |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
I want to begin by thanking each of you for reading my poem and offering your honest critics of my work. Pat and Philip....the line "the reality of you unbelievable" I will not change because I feel it lends to the poem . Brad... thanks for backing me up on that one and yes, the internal rhyme in it makes it work even more so. Pat...I like your suggestion on Life's freak show. As for all the other suggestions, I am taking them all in to consederation and weighing them against what feelings I want this poem to envoke and how I wish to display them...but thank you all for each and every one of them. Oh Brad...smiling here on this one. I'm goning to have to quote you here so I can reply properly " I see another problem as well though in that the poem literally implies that 'you' move from one control freak to a man who makes you feel real. Isn't that just another form of control (just positive instead of negative)." Oh boy, you opened up a can of worms with that one. Since when does feeling real come from control? Mind you, I speak from the experience of someone who lived feeling nothing for many years. Feeling real is not control! Feeling real is freedom and enjoying life! To even insinuate that because someone makes you feel real that they are controlling you is absurd! (pardon my brief lapse of control there) Ruth [This message has been edited by hoot_owl_rn (edited 11-22-1999).] |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Yeah well I'm in a mellow illogical mood this evening and the line: "the reality of you unbelievable." is fine, beautiful in fact ... heh heh ... no honestly I really feel that. I was just being pedantic the other day. Surely the only relevance of the the point about the moving from one form of control to another is its context within this particular poem where the dominant factor is the puppet metaphor. Isn't it enough Brad for the speaker to simply be freed from the strings? Isn't it enough of an expression of freedom to be turned from wood to flesh? Why broaden and complicate what is essentially a simple and elegant message by starting to delve into the character of the saviour? Anyway I agree with Ruth, although I whinged about the line "free me with your love" ... there is no question in my mind that real love frees and does not control or bind. ..... "that's what I think anyway" .. (I like that line d'you think Rowan Atkinson has a good lawyer? lol) |
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Iloveit Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 1121NM |
well I loved this poem, every word...and was gonna comment to brad on the "real" controversy that is brewing *g* but seems hoot and poertree said it perfectly....sigh love your poems hoot |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Thanks Iloveit, although it is far from perfect. I'm glad I'm not the only one who sees being made feel real is not comtrol but rather release |
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