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Time Line - Dawn
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Time Line - Dawn |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Time Line - Dawn After night's ebony my greyness reflects the North Sea, As I race in over flat Fenland, A tidal wave of birdsong heralding my warm attentions. Open petals, stretch limbs, Cockcrow squawks my lightening presence, In farmyard, forest or frenzied market, Rolling forward over land and sea impelled by planet turn. And in deep country I bronze the steel railings of Oakham Grange, Rustle awake the lime avenue, Advance undaunted through imposing gates crystallising fresh dew. Up the cedared lawn I sweep, To leaded windows set in stone, Inside to where she lies asleep, The Lady Cyberia at home. Caress the velvet of her thighs, Dust-moted shafts illume her swell, Petal-like she spreads and sighs, And bids the speeding dawn farewell. Revolution drives me on, Swiftly mounting Offa's wall, To sweep the Emerald Isle beyond, And even seek with piercing ray watery Atlantis. Grey on grey I roll over the Ocean's heave, To the dark line of land and life, Swiftly illumine Liberty, A continent awakes. In triple glazed security he lies, Where traffic's din is barely heard, Yet my first touch unglues his eyes, His mind is gently roused and stirred. His fingers dance the keyboard, As I fly my westward way, My task is done, she has her Lord, Cybor and Cyberia kiss awake the day. [This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 11-14-1999).] [This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 11-16-1999).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 Poertree - All Rights Reserved | |||
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jamaicabradley Junior Member
since 1999-11-04
Posts 39 |
I know I keep saying "I really like this poem and I think it is really good" but as I said before my critique capabilities are still lacking a bit, I must say I had to read this one over a few times, but I think that because I wanted to read it over, made it a very good poem, if I'm making any sense. -jamaica |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
Poertree– This is a very interesting piece. Some of the images you portray here are just wonderful, like the “tidal wave of birdsong heralding my warm attentions.” Very nice. I really like the way the sun is personified here; that’s what makes the whole poem. There is a sense in the poem that the sun has a mind of its own, volition, almost; the sun is racing, rolling, sweeping, etc., and this is a beautiful and charming effect. But, I think the effect is not what it could be, because twice you take the action out of the sun’s hands, and make it a rather ‘passive actor,’ if you will; thus, at the end of the second stanza, the sun is “impelled by planet turn”, and in the 6th stanza, the sun is driven on by “revolution” of the earth. I think the poem could be even more charming if the sun were consistently an ‘active actor’ -- a whimsical and slightly mischievous Phoebus Apollo winging his way over the land; you needn't remind the reader that the sun is actually the static star at the center of our solar system. I notice that only a few of your stanzas rhyme, the ones where the sun is waking up the woman and then the man, and the final one. I like that approach, but if you intended that, I think you need to look at the meter in those stanzas a little closer. Two more minor points: the names “Cyberia” and “Cybor” are..... awful. Lady Cyberia is silly enough: for one, it telegraphed the ending right away, I knew then that the sun would go on and wake up her cyber-lover far away (prior to the mention of her name, I didn’t know where the poem was headed, and I liked not knowing, lol); in addition, any thought of Siberia is simply out of place in this poem. Besides, it just looks like you’re trying too hard to be clever. But even Cyberia isn’t as bad as Cybor...much too much like “cyborg.” finally... a little matter of time here. The sun comes and wakes up the frigid Lady Siberia, and then races across Ireland and the Atlantic Ocean and wakes up her monster (ok, ok, I’ll stop, lol, just teasing) in New York City... but this, as we all know, is 5 hours later! Cybor and Cyberia supposedly “kiss awake the day,” but she’s been up for 5 hours, and it’s almost noon in the UK. Irksome. And you’d think the Sun would know about time zones. Oh well. As always, thanks for an interesting and enjoyable read! [This message has been edited by jenni (edited 11-15-1999).] |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Jenni, Your critiques are priceless just for the hilarity - your last two paragraphs had me rolling around especially the master/monster slip of the pen! Mind you I am now quite convinced you see the male of the species as barely emerged from the age of the dinosaurs (lol). I think you are more or less bang on target with your comments on this piece. It was only my second poem and it was written as not a very serious piece, the only reason I wanted to post it here was to see what people would say about, firstly the IDEA of a line of light rolling across the surface of the world, and second about little bits of the IMAGERY. Aside from that I thought it was rather a lightweight poem. Clever you picked up on both points. Not only that but you are absolutely right as well about trying to keep the sun as the active character. I have a feeling that the whole idea for the poem came from the Donne poem which starts "Busy old fool, unruly Sun ..." where the power and grandeur of the sun is pitted against the power of human love. In the same way I was (tongue in cheek) trying to suggest that the line of light (the dawn) moved across the earth from England to New York merely to rouse the two lovers and bring them together. Looked at like this it is important that the sun is seen to be as powerful and autocratic as possible so that the fact that it is nevertheless vassal to the requirements of the two lovers is yet more surprising. So thanks for pointing out the weakness of "revolution" and "impelled". Yes I did intend to distinguish the four "waking up" stanza's by their more regular meter and rhyme. I take your point about the meter, I'll have another look at that. As I say your last points had me really laughing - the names ... Lol ... thank goodness you think they're awful - so do I. I had to change them of course because I wasn't sure what the rest of the forum would think if I'd left in Jenni and Philip - anyway it didn't scan right You're right tho - if this is to be a semi serious poem I need to rethink a few things. Oh yes - your last point ..... aristocratic Ladies in England never rise before midday surely you know that! All she did was stir and smile in her half awake doze, the maid will wake her later. Anyway Jenni thanks for picking up the few serious points in the poem, maybe now I'll have a go at rewriting it  .[This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 11-16-1999).] |
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