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Timetaker
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Timetaker |
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Tech_N9ne New Member
since 1999-11-12
Posts 4Calgary Alberta Canada |
Please take me to that door I don't want to feel this pain no more I can see the time tick Over on this side I know I won't be sick Clinging to one last breath I don't know if I want life or death Family members surround my bed What will happen when I'm dead Cards and flowers are being sent to me I am dieing can't you see Let my friends know how I feel Please give me my last meal Can you go I want to sleep I hope this is the enternal sleep |
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Vers Librist Junior Member
since 1999-11-10
Posts 16 |
I really liked your choice for a theme, but I felt the rhyme lessened the impact (maybe that's just me). Really liked the last two lines, though. |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
there are some grammatical and spelling errors in this poem that take away from its effect. the rhyme scheme is off, because the number of syllables differ in each line. i think that this is a good topic for a poem, but its presentation is far too vague. i don't really understand what the person is dying from, or if they are being killed. ("please give me my last meal") and some lines have no relation to any of the others. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Agree with Roxane on this one. To be honest, I'm not fond of these poems; they lack tension and you give very little reason for us to sympathize with the character. What is the specific situation here? Furthermore, I think that you've let the rhyme scheme take over the poem. In other words, it kind of feels like you got the rhymes down first and then just followed them to write the poem (nothing wrong with doing that; it just shouldn't read like you did that). Just an opinion, Brad |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
I have to agree with Brad and roxane on this one. The rhyme is forced with not enough time given to the meter of this piece. "Please give me my last meal" sounds like you are in prison being sentanced to death while the rest of the poem seems as though you are in the hospital or at home and sick. I see this one in need of a lot of editing, but can be workable. Ruth |
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