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Critical Analysis #1
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Paula-Marie
New Member
since 1999-10-31
Posts 9
Durham, England

0 posted 1999-11-12 03:12 PM


This is something I penned a few days ago. I know I have other poems that need tweeking, but offerings please...I know you won't let me down.

Through the fog it greeted me
like a friendly smile
A red light winking lewdly
showing off for miles

A small child cried in dreamland
the cars went rolling by
I stood transfixed and watched it
the red light sensed my lies

The man who called out from the car
had lit his cigarette
and breathed from darkness yet unknown
and stayed to watch it yet

The red light twitched its eye at me
as I left the road for home
the traffice lights on the corner here
you never are alone.


(Honestly....please)
Thanks

------------------
copyright-Paula M. Allum 1999

© Copyright 1999 Paula-Marie - All Rights Reserved
Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
1 posted 1999-11-13 10:14 AM


I enjoyed the first stanza but think you might want to develop that image a little bit more. I don't think the poem needs the rhymes (and I definitely think the rhyme hurts the last stanza). Personally, I see this as a sort of collage of different images on the way home but think a little more context would give it a bigger boost.

Just an opinion,
Brad

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