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Let me be with lightning
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Let me be with lightning |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Let me be with the lightning, And the sounds of cars that crash, The voices of men, drunk, screaming at each other, And the glow of storm anger and silhouette, The dark stench that rises from the asphalt And the steam that fills this city wide sauna. Let me be with the lightning, Alone, with a Scotch bottle and a shot glass. The warm drops on my face, Sweat on my back and neck and My one ringed finger beckoning For one strike on the gold. Let me be with the lightning, And not have to hear your tears, And excuses and pleas for understanding, And incoherent, contradictory reasons for life and Loneliness and exile, and separation and lies, and culture and fear and pride and showing off, And -- language -- and love and -- Let me be with the lightning. [This message has been edited by Brad (edited 11-11-1999).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 Brad - All Rights Reserved | |||
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
I love to be able to rip this one in shreads, but I believe it to be by far the best posting I've seen of yours to date. My critique: a fantastic poem my cohoret in crime. Well done  ------------------ Alis volat propriis (She flies with her own wings) |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
brad-- wow. this is an incredible poem. by the end of the third stanza, the speaker's desperate, frustrated, savage cry to just break away from everything and LIVE is almost palpable. the line "let me be with the lightning" is a stunning, wonderfully evocative phrase, worthy of repeating, and repeated here to powerful effect. the elemental things and sensations in the city detailed in the first verse (sounds, voices, screaming, anger, stench, steam) are contrasted beautifully and perfectly by the higher-order abstract constructs in the third verse (excuses, pleas for understanding, reasons, loneliness, exile, separation, lies, culture, pride, language, love), the sheer weight of which can, indeed, induce all that anger and ugliness back in the first verse, and make one want to rip them away in one bold stroke. (you might want to reconsider the use of tears and of fears in the 3rd verse, especially fears, as being more elemental, but i see where they can contribute very much to the speaker's frustrations.) very, very, very well done. my one criticism... i thought the line "the warm drops on my face" in the second verse was a little muddled. at first, it reads like warm drops of scotch on your face; i think, though, it might mean rain? or sweat? rain is never mentioned otherwise in the piece, although it is suggested by the lightning (as well as by the use of the word "storm" and the steam in verse 1). if you intended rain, perhaps you could simply say, "the warm rain on my face"? same comment if you meant sweat. if you meant drops of scotch...well, this gives, in my opinion, a much different feel to the piece, a gross, drunken bellowing in the night, as it were, rather than a bold, "barbaric yawp". (and with drops of scotch on your face, i think you can just forget about trying to get lucky, lol. ) i hope you won't say that it's meant to be ambiguous, scotch or rain or sweat or even something else, open to differing interpretations... that's exactly the kind of thing your speaker is trying to escape, and i think it would take away from your theme here. in the words of a famous poet... "just an opinion." this is still an amazing poem, though, brad, an interesting and universal theme uniquely and powerfully expressed. bravo! |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Brad: This poem has an incredible momentum, particularly in the first and last stanzas. You communicate defiance, anger and fear beautifully (and the need for escape in the second stanza ... weakness too, perhaps?). Excellent work. ------------------ Jim "If I rest, I rust." -Martin Luther |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Thanks for the responses and all the nice things you've said. Ruth, I hope this only your favorite of the ones you've read so far. Jenni, You've got a point. The idea is to have someone in the middle of a Summer lightning storm. The drops are huge rain drops but I specifically wanted to avoid the use of rain because I though it would imply a certain coolness. It was inspired by a fight with my wife over cultural differences. Jim, Thanks. In many ways, I was trying to model this poem on songs like 'Stairway to Heaven' or 'Freebird'. I'm glad it seemed to work for you. thanks to all, Brad |
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Systematic Decay Senior Member
since 1999-09-15
Posts 1301That place with padded walls and funny people in white......... |
Brad....the imagery in this one is wonderful...I especislly liked the second stanza....it had a feeling of hopelessness in it....but a quiet hopelessness, unlike the rest of the poem. ------------------ Thinking is just what a great many people think they are doing when they are merely rearranging their predjudices. |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Brad I liked this as well, mainly for the clarity with which it conveyed a picture of a desperate man, bare chested, slouched in a dim room in a hot humid Asian ? city with lightning and artificial light slashing through the window and reflecting off the film of sweat on his skin. Then the rain drops of his face kind of spoiled the "dim room" image so he has to be at a street pavement table outside a bar or something? Anyway, whatever, wherever, the atmosphere came through incredibly vividly, in fact so vividly that I begin to wonder whether or not my vision was maybe being supplemented by throwbacks to movies of tough men drinking in hot humid Asian cities. The Deer Hunter springs to mind and, dare I say it, some of the Bond films! I guess this means that the poem succeeds in terms of imagery. I particularly liked the way the poem seems to build. First the background (not much on the individual himself), simply the desperation and tension around him. Then in the second stanza a lull in the tempo, and the physical description of the man - what a passing observer would see. Then, dramatically, in the final stanza his mind and thoughts. It seems to me that this final verse is all about tempo. A gradual build up by starting with longer phrases and fewer breaks (fewer "ands"). Then the speed builds as the individual becomes increasingly frustrated till we reach the line "and culture and fear and pride and showing off" which is almost breathless in its crescendo. Then worn out, miserable and exhausted his thoughts falter and revert to drunken slowness trailing out into a rather pitiful "and ...." And in the final plea I can almost hear the unspoken words "Oh for God's sake just leave me alone let me be ... let me be with lightning ...." I would be interested to know if all that is what you intended? Philip [This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 11-14-1999).] |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
i just got to read this one now, as my obligation is often to those topics which do not receive the attention that they should. i really liked the last stanza. the feeling of wanting to escape, the emotions that the narrator is running from, i suppose, all climax there. it is an awesome poem. |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Since I've only read 4 to date Brad, I don't have a wide variety to choose from, but to date, this is my favorite |
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jamaicabradley Junior Member
since 1999-11-04
Posts 39 |
I really like it...I was full of images and feelings by the end. It reminded me of the end of a long night in vegas, feeling pretty low. I thought the whole poem flowed very nicely, there was a rythem there and everything was left to the imagination. I enjoyed this very much, thanks. -jamaica |
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Lolita Junior Member
since 1999-11-09
Posts 44Buffalo, NY, America |
Brad, I have read one of your other poems but this one spoke to me the most. It nearly shouted my head off! After I read the poem I strted to see an image of you as a 1940's private eye, sick of the world. It was strange but kind of exciting. |
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Iloveit Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 1121NM |
brad this is good really good, so clearly you let us see....wow, let me be with the lightening, just that image says so much and then you lead the reader even further, ...*sigh* and yep, know just how you feel....wow |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Thanks to everybody who replied. Philip, That's exactly what I was shooting for. It's nice to know that I sometimes get it right. Except, Trevor hasn't posted here yet.  Lolita, Are trying to say I'm a private Dick? Iloveit, This is the one I was talking about earlier. I'm glad you like it. Roxana, Won't touch that one. Brad |
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Seoulair Senior Member
since 2008-03-27
Posts 807Seoul S.Korea |
This is wonderful poem. And one of the poem that I could sense strong emotion, the deep cry. I read as the struggle between the speaker's [GREAT ARROGANCE] and [mundane reality]. Repeatedly "Let me be with lightning" did not lift up the spirit and the ending one sounded like begging. Indeed very emotional. Of course always good poem.  |
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