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First time poet
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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First time poet |
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thunderstruck9 Junior Member
since 1999-11-09
Posts 11 |
I'm a very amateur poet, but I do enjoy trying to write poetry. I'd like to know what you think of this one. Tell me how to improve, just don't break me, ok.  "Leaves of fall" When this time of year rolls 'round, I find myself, always looking down. As I crunch, where ever I go, I love the sound, I feel no woes. Even after, the hardest of days, The noise, it chases my sorrows away. One short walk, into the wood, You should try it, I know it could, Do for you, what it does for me, A wonderful feeling, of being set free, Just walking, thinking nothing at all. Oh, how I love the leaves of fall. As this time of year rolls 'round, I find myself, always looking down. P.S. I want to remind you that I'm new at this. This is only my second real attempt at a poem. Thanks ------------------ From the darkness arose a man. [This message has been edited by thunderstruck9 (edited 11-09-1999).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 thunderstruck9 - All Rights Reserved | |||
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
i applaud your efforts and hope that you will continue to write. i think that this poem is nice. it's simple, the rhymthm is pretty straight forward and it's happy. i can't really argue with that. keep it up |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
well, somebody's got to break you in even if I have no intention of breaking you. First, keep in mine that this is one poem, not your first and certainly not your last. Try to think of each poem as one part of a process of improvement. Listen to what people say (Roxane, for example, immediately noticed a unity between style and theme -- that's a good thing as well in my book) but remember that nobody really knows how to do this. There are opinions and, well, there are just more opinions. Take what you find useful and forget about the rest.Another point to consider: don't forget to read other poems and comments on them as much as you can. This will give you more examples of variety and, in turn, will get more people to comment on your poem (good or bad -- you never know; you take your chances here; but sometimes a negative critique can actually be more helpful). Trevor who posts here gets upset with me when I tell him I like a poem so what are you going to do. . Looking at other poems, as I believe and others have told me, actually help you to understand your own craft better. This site is based on the principle that working together can help everyone improve.Now, about the poem. It's not bad. You have a subtle irony in the last line that I find very intriguing. I wonder if you might bring that out a little bit more. I don't know if you intended this but I read that last line as the speaker gently prodding himself for simple pleasures. 'looking down', of course, has the literal meaning of looking at the fallen leaves but also of being depressed. Are you contrasting the beauty of Autumn with a certain depression of the reader? On style, you can certainly say 'I don't know' to any of my questions but I'm trying to motivate you to see the possibilities in poetry -- Why the couplet scheme? (generally reserved for, but not always, the comic mode -- there are no hard and fast rules in poetry and if there were, they would be immediately broken by someone  ). It does perhaps contribute to the 'lightness' of the piece but just wondered if you had any other insights to add. Just two more questions and I'll wait for your response: 1. What is your opinion of the rhymes themselves? You have a few variations. 2. What's your opinion of your meter (if your unsure what meter is, no problem, go to Nan's teaching forum and/or the long thread in the Alley on syllable counting). I stop there and wait for your response. We are here to help (as best we can) and remember we're talking about one poem and not you personally. So, was that difficult? Brad |
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thunderstruck9 Junior Member
since 1999-11-09
Posts 11 |
roxane-Thanks for the encouraging words. Brad-I wasn't aiming at a depressed feeling, but I can see it, now that you mentioned it. As for style, that's the way the poem was running through my head. So I wrote it that way. I'm not sure of what your asking in the last two questions. My opinion? As in "Do I like them?" Sometimes I'm a bit dense, sorry.  ------------------ From the darkness arose a man. |
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DramaMama Junior Member
since 1999-10-28
Posts 47Louisiana |
Thunder, I like the imagery of the leaves underfoot. A couple of suggestions: You might try taking out some of the commas, especially in the middle of lines. Unless a comma is absolutely needed for meaning, leaving it out might make a smoother read. Try elimanating the commas lines 2, 5, 7, 9, and 10. Other places where you have commas, you might want to put periods; some lines seem to need a more complete stop than just a comma...like lines 4 and 8 for example. The comma at the end of line eight could be removed altogether and the poem not suffer. BTW, wherever is one word. Keep on writing. Nicely put. |
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thunderstruck9 Junior Member
since 1999-11-09
Posts 11 |
DramaMama, thanks for the advice. I'm not very good with punctuation. I guess I am a little comma happy. ------------------ From the darkness arose a man. |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Thunderstruck, Very good beginning. I believe what Brad is asking you is if you are happy with the way the rhyme and meter are in this piece? lets look at the rhyme first: round and down (not a perfect rhyme, but workable) go and woes (perhaps take the s off?) days and away (again perhaps the s off?) wood and could (good rhyme) me and free (good rhyme) all and fall (good rhyme) and again... round and down As for the meter, the overall flow of the poem, just a nip and a tuck here and there will make an incrediable difference without changing any of the meaning. One other thing to remember is to pay attention to punctuation. You seem to really have over punctuated this piece. Possibly something like this: When this time of year rolls 'round, I find myself looking down. As I crunch where 'er I go, I love the sound, I feel no woe. Even after the hardest day, The noise chases my sorrow away. One short walk into the wood, You should try it, I know it could Do for you what it does for me, A wonderful feeling, being set free, Just walking, thinking nothing at all. How I love the leaves of fall. As this time of year rolls 'round, I find myself looking down. ------------------ Alis volat propriis (She flies with her own wings) |
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thunderstruck9 Junior Member
since 1999-11-09
Posts 11 |
hoot_owl_rn, I see what Brad was asking now. The way you wrote it does read better, I don't know why I didn't see that. I really appreciate all the help guys,Thanks. ------------------ From the darkness arose a man. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Like any of us can really see our own poems. That's what this forum is about. The obvious is only obvious once it has been pointed out. That said, I try as best I can to see my poetry in other people's eyes (which is what I meant with my comment; thank God Ruth could spend more time here than I could. ) . I just never quite make it. Hope to see more of your stuff soon, Brad |
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