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Critical Analysis #1
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haze
Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528
Bethlehem, PA USA

0 posted 1999-11-09 11:02 AM


We stalk the dry rim
of the foraged bed
as if it were a clock;
As if our pacing
would wind back
the rusted hands.
As if
the spoiled springs,
groaning and creaking,
would bring us back
to the verdant forest.
We prowl the dusted plain,
silk tigers,
peeling fading cracking
portraits, painted testaments
to gods endurance.

~haze
11/09/99



© Copyright 1999 Haze McElhenny - All Rights Reserved
roxane
Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505
us
1 posted 1999-11-09 11:46 PM


once again, awesome imagery, however, i don't really understand this one. maybe you could explain, or write a poem that explains it, or maybe i'm an idiot who just doesn't see it. let me know

haze
Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528
Bethlehem, PA USA
2 posted 1999-11-10 08:01 AM


We stalk the dry rim
of the foraged bed
as if it were a clock;
As if our pacing
would wind back
the rusted hands.
As if
the spoiled springs,
groaning and creaking,
would bring us back
to the verdant forest.
We prowl the dusted plain,
silk tigers,
peeling fading cracking
portraits, painted testaments
to gods endurance.


~haze
11/09/99

Perhaps I have failed...The foraged bed is a layered image...time with a lover or partner run dry.

The pacing refers to the desire to recapture...wind back time to before,
but,
the spring is rotted, tight,tired.
The spring creaks and groans...

The dry curling imagery, more pacing, more trying to recapture...but ending up as paint...nothing more. Dry cracking peeling paint...in other words...we get lost in that search...
But we continue, because (something inside of us makes us)continue to search for the primordial glade, the verdant greenery we thought we owned before...

Make sense?



Poertree
Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359
UK
3 posted 1999-11-10 08:04 AM


Haze,
I didn't dare say it before anyone else but I didn't understand it either!

Now you've explained - I can see it, and yes the imagery is superb.

hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750
Glen Hope, PA USA
4 posted 1999-11-10 12:50 PM


You've used some wonderful imagery, but a little of it is so obscure it's not easily captured by the reader. Perhaps you could give a bit more to this poem, go into just a bit more detail to clarify it a little better without losing the symbolism in the wake. I see a lot of potential for this piece.
DramaMama
Junior Member
since 1999-10-28
Posts 47
Louisiana
5 posted 1999-11-12 09:09 PM


Love the way you pare down the language to its essence. But I did not understand this poem either until you explained it. Perhaps you could separate the metaphors so that they do not confuse. How do silk tigers and portraits go together, for instance? or do they?

I agree with hoot_owl... add a bit more to make those striking images connect for the reader.

Pat a.k.a. DramaMama


Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
6 posted 1999-11-17 12:09 PM


Agree with Hoot and DM here. Doreen's going to laugh but this poem needs to be longer. You have some great images but too many too fast -- expand it, develop it. It's hard to descern if you mean this in erotic terms or comic terms. I admit I wasn't turned on by the title. Too close to Paper Tiger if you ask me (you didn't but you did post it here, right ) I suppose there's something to be said for leaving the reader wanting more but here I really, really want more.

Thanks,
Brad

Local Rebel
Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-21
Posts 5767
Southern Abstentia
7 posted 1999-12-27 12:24 PM


I don't think it needs to be longer -- I think it is best sometimes to leave the interpretation open to the reader.

I got everything in this poem except your reference to gods endurance...

is this a slam against the artificial god of religion?

Songbird
Member Elite
since 1999-12-15
Posts 2184
Missouri
8 posted 1999-12-27 11:42 PM


You certainly have a way with words. I like this it is so description and yet leaves alot to the imagination of the reader.
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