Enrapt - Comments please - pipTalk Forums

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Robin
Junior Member

since 1999-08-07

Posts 48
Cardiff, Wales, UK

0 posted 1999-11-07 05:05 PM

Robin Laffan
6/11/99

Enrapt again my beating heart
Stops as you come in sight
I see you move when I close my eyes
And hear your voice at night

Skin by Rodin was never so smooth
A bed for waterfall hair
Whispering as you turn your head
To catch me as I stare.

I long for my lips to caress your neck
Your hair’s scent to fill my head
To taste the salt upon your skin
As I draw you to my bed.

Hazel eyes with a hint of green
Or so you like to say
See through me with depressing ease
But miss the love I cannot display.

Minterra
New Member

since 1999-10-28

Posts 8
Rochester, NY, United States

1 posted 1999-11-08 08:59 AM

Hi Robin,

It's hard to tell exactly what it is that this poem is trying to convey.

I think part of the problem is a lack of punctuation in key places, such as the first line:

Enrapt again, my beating heart
Stops as you come in sight.

The next line is a different thread of action to it, where instead of talking of what happens to you, you talk what you see. It might be something that could work if all the paragraphs in the poem were the same way, but in this instance, I would suggest seeing if you can break the two statements apart to see if it could flow easier.

Also, you might want to try to group the different comments of the same feature (skin, hair, etc) together in a paragraph. Here, it sort of jumps from one to the other and then back again.

Hope this helps some

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

2 posted 1999-11-11 05:16 AM

Okay, you've got a longing poem going here (and I agree with everything already said). What do you want to do with it? You're rhyme scheme give it a nursery rhyme quality that , for me, distracts from the theme. For a good example of a poem with a strong rhyme scheme see Roxane's 'Marian's Lace'. Structure can be very good for a poem and I admit I like some of the eye and hair stuff but I wish you'd give a little more in that department.

What is stopping you from not displaying your love? (that last line seems a little disjointed, doesn't it?

I think we need a stronger context to appreciate this one more.

Just an opinion,
Brad

hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius

since 1999-07-05

Posts 10750
Glen Hope, PA USA

3 posted 1999-11-11 10:38 AM

I agree with Brad here and would also like to see the meter cleaned up a bit to make it more readable.

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