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Critical Analysis #1
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LRAW
Junior Member
since 1999-11-06
Posts 15


0 posted 1999-11-07 02:14 PM


Scenes From A Park


Living out realities in between the sequences of our lives
You don't understand the madness running through my mind
Submerging me in this shallow hell of life
I focus only on the darkness of the night
While the graves of fallen men
Begin to crack with shame
Leaving only crying children there to blame

A woman in the distance
Leaves some food for the birds
She's so unsuspecting
Not even glancing around
I call her name
But she's too far to hear my words
I need to see her
So I get up off the ground
And I follow her down the path that she has walked
But she sees me and runs
Before we could even talk

Flowing downward
On the road of despair
My head spins around
But nobody cares
Life seems to be egging me on
But where does one go
If he's afraid of the sun
There's no where to go
But I cannot stay here
Where the people laugh and smile all day

A little child sits next to me
She counts the fingers on her hand
She seems so sweet and so happy
But her thoughts are nothing like a man's
She doesn't see the horror I see
And she doesn't feel the pain in me

No one cares about anything I do
This world is so different
Than the one I knew
My heart has be torn in so many pieces
I can't even begin to describe
The torture and anguish I feel inside



© Copyright 1999 LRAW - All Rights Reserved
roxane
Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505
us
1 posted 1999-11-08 11:55 PM


i can completely relate to this poem, so maybe i am biased to critique it, but i'll try.
i love the sketches of the people around, but why not relate them more to yourself, as you are the one who experiences the pain, while they are oblivious?? why don't they feel what you feel? what do they feel? i know that you've touched on it, but go deeper.. i think that this is pretty much an excellent poem. i hope however, that your situation is not as dire as the narrator's. good luck with it

LenMcC1
Member
since 1999-11-09
Posts 68

2 posted 1999-11-09 06:08 PM


I disagree with the last reply, I don't think your purpose was to make the other people feel your pain. You were trying to show how you are so miserable and everyone else in indifferent to your thoughts and feelings. Excellent work, LRAW.
roxane
Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505
us
3 posted 1999-11-09 11:40 PM


i didn't suppose that this poem was about making others feel his pain, but i did suppose in writing it that LRAW wanted to convey his feelings and relate them to those of the "indifferent" people around him. i really thought that it was an excellent poem and i hope that this misunderstanding will not divert attention from that fact.

LenMcC1
Member
since 1999-11-09
Posts 68

4 posted 1999-11-14 08:53 PM


Exactly
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