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Critical Analysis #1
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thoughts on"At First Sight" repost from #3
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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thoughts on"At First Sight" repost from #3 |
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stuart Junior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 14Cincinnati, OH |
I havn't written a poem for a long time. A recent event inspired me to which I sent this poem to her. I need to shake off the rust so comments are welcome! FIRST SIGHT Written by Stuart Oligee 11/5/99 The first time I saw you standing there, Time had stopped, for a moment, a stare… Your eyes so bright, so wonderful, so true I melted at first sight of seeing you. How can this be, a woman of beauty known of no other She walks into my life as a breeze of summer. Her smile brings joy to those around With kindness and care that leaps abound. How does this happen to one at all? I wonder and ponder hoping time will stall. What potion does she have, what spell, what pill? A woman whose shear presence can bend my will. Now that I have stepped forward to see it through, I look forward to being alone with you. In thoughts I have, in dreams at night Ever since I’ve had that very first sight. |
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| © Copyright 1999 stuart - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Craig Member
since 1999-06-10
Posts 444 |
Rust can be a swine! But with a little work you can have this one gleaming. I have a couple of problems with this poem (probably my fault as a reader but see what you think ), the main one being the meter. I found myself tripping up on a lot of the lines, this could be due to the odd number of syllabic ‘beats’ in some of the lines. This lack of flow emphasizes the rhymes and makes them seem forced. You could avoid this by alternating the rhyming lines, instead of aabb try using abab. The line ‘beat will still need altering but the rhymes will seem less forced. Being a complete amateur, as I am, I write using a rough guide that I try to follow, it doesn’t make my poems any better but usually tells me where I’ve gone wrong! Ever heard the song three steps to heaven? Well to write poetry I also use three steps. Step 1 You find a subject you love. You already have that, you a girl and how you felt about that. Your a third of the way there!! step 2 Find a style that suits you. Is it going to be free verse, blank verse, syllabic, rhymed, half rhymed. The list goes on and on and to make matters worse there is no reason why you can’t make up new ones. The only rule is there has to be a pattern ( even if that pattern is no pattern at all )! Once a style or form is found you can start writing. Step 3 Re-read and re-write nightly. You need to read and re-read your work, preferably out loud, to be sure that the words roll off the tongue and don’t sound forced. Once you have re-written any rough spots your poem is finished. ( Until you re-read it two days later and notice another rough spot). I hope that this has been some help to get rid of that rust, the best thing to remember though is rust doesn’t form on anything that is well used, so carry on writing. Craig ------------------ Yes, I admit your general rule. That every poet is a fool: But I myself may serve to show it. That every fool is not a poet. |
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