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A Fool's Aspiration
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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A Fool's Aspiration |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash 
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A fool to try to clothe true love with words! When even dreams cannot, true love, contain, But failure here makes not my song a dirge When love exceeds the words of this refrain. My passion surges forth to push my pen, My clumsy hands try vainly to comply, But how can I bewail my failure when Without my love my inkwell would be dry. So don't lament for me, beloved friend, For Love's sweet kiss has blessed my wanting brow, But weep for him who meets his mortal end Before, on him, Her gift She does endow. A foolish man, a fool for all to see! Perhaps a fool, then, I aspire to be. ------------------ Jim "Don't confuse me with the facts, I've already made up my mind." |
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| © Copyright 1999 Jim Bouder - All Rights Reserved | |||
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
jim-- very, very nice job here! this is a lovely sonnet, rhyming perfectly in the shakespearean format, couplet and all, a certain thematic "turn" at the third quatrian, and the couplet tied in nicely with the first line... very well done! my only criticism here is perhaps line 7 ("But how can I bewail my failure when") is a little awkward. your meter throughout was excellent iambic pentameter, but line 7 feels a little forced, with "when" making up the fifth stressed beat, as i read it. on the other hand, if you're going to have one weak line in the poem, that's the right one, lol; if you think about what you're saying in that line, it works, artistically, in my opinion. (don't even THINK about telling me you intended it that way, lol.  )again, a wonderful piece! keep 'em coming. [This message has been edited by jenni (edited 11-04-1999).] |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Thanks, Jenni. I guess I didn't mean for Line 7 to be the way it is, but considering the content of the line, you are right, it does seem to be fitting. You ruined any chance of my taking credit for it, though. Thanks.  [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 11-04-1999).] |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Jim, I definately see improvement. Yes, this is a sonnet and a good one to boot |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Now, why in the world would you want me to comment on this thing? Are you a glutton for torture or something? Okay, it's not that bad; it's actually saved with the last lines (which I thought completed the poem very nicely). But I've never quite understood the motivation behind a poem that tells you 'I can't explain something in just words' (Have you read She by H. Rider Haggard? He does that all the time and it drives me up a wall.) It just seems that the job of a poet is to make people feel 'love' or whatever with those words. But how can I bewail my failure -- so, let me see here. You're writing a poem about how you can't express your love in words and yet are thankful that that same love forces you to write. So, writing poetry is a good thing but still, to some extent, frustrating. That's certainly true I suppose. What is the speaker of the poem's satisfaction in writing if he's never satisfied with the writing? Can we say massochist? Which brings me back to the top of this post. Brad PS This was fun to read. |
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