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Debs '80
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Debs '80 |
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haze Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528Bethlehem, PA USA 
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We walked with studied grace, faces veiled, into the depths of the eighth decade. Debutantes of ivory-laced dreams blooming, reborn, shedding skins against branches bared for the coming of our twenty years. Into the insecure realm of uncertainty we glided, as taught, waltzed to the metronome rhythm, out of organza and into our natures capped and cloaked Green Peace missionaries facing freedom. ~haze 11/04/99 |
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| © Copyright 1999 Haze McElhenny - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
I must not be in a very critical form today, for I see nothing wrong with this, I like everything you had to say, and the way in which it was said. Well done. |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
haze-- beautiful. i really enjoyed this one, especially the line "out of organza and into our natures;" very nice. two comments: i would think about deleting "into the depths of the eighth decade;" it really isn't clear at first that you mean the 1980s here, i think i only got it because i had happened to read beforehand on your other posting that you were 15 or so in 1979. anyway, there's nothing in the rest of the poem to suggest that the specific era of the 1980s is important to your theme. i'd make it "We walked with studied grace, / faces veiled, / debutantes of ivory-laced dreams [etc.]". secondly, the phrase "insecure realm of uncertainty" seems a little redundant to me, lol. maybe just say "into the realm of uncertainty ...", or find another adjective, perhaps? just a thought. anyway, minor points in an otherwise beautiful piece. very well done! [This message has been edited by jenni (edited 11-04-1999).] |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I enjoyed reading this poem; I found the Green Peace line very effective (and I had to look up the work organza -- that's a good thing). I don't see any problems here. Looking forward to the next one, Brad |
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Local Rebel Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-21
Posts 5767Southern Abstentia |
Excellent coming of age treatise. There is something to consider here though, and I'm not suggesting that you change this peice... I only know from reading your other works of the disillusionment and triumph that will befall these Debs... Perhaps a peice that contrasts the entire scope? Please? |
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haze Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528Bethlehem, PA USA |
Rebel, my friend... ask and you shall receive... DownTown Gurrl Publications Wired ChapBooks Click the "Chapbooks" Link |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Great poem, I too can't see anything wrong with it....damn it!!!!  I loved the beginning...."We walked with studied grace"and you ended it sooooo well. Again another gem. Thanks for the read, take care, Trevor. |
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