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Minterra
New Member

since 1999-10-28

Posts 8
Rochester, NY, United States

0 posted 1999-11-01 08:07 PM

I saw you in my dreams tonight.
You were walking towards me in the moonlight,
Your hair shining in a pale silver glow.
Your lips moved, but no sound was heard.
Frustrating beyond measure did I find
That you wanted to tell me something,
But something else seemed to forbid you.
I reached out to touch your cheek,
And while you smiled and nestled into my palm,
Your form was only half there,
Such that I could feel the heat of your body,
But not the smoothness of your skin.
With a teary eye, I watched you watch me
As you floated back from whence you came,
To rejoin the silvery mist on the horizon.
And, as the sun chased the night away,
I woke to feel your soul touching mine
And wept anew for how close we had been.

roxane
Senior Member

since 1999-09-02

Posts 505
us

1 posted 1999-11-01 09:30 PM

this is really a touching poem. the only suggestion that i have is that maybe you could change "i saw you in my dreams tonight" to "i saw you in my dreams last night" as you are obviously recounting the events the morning after and you write of the morning coming. it seems that it would be a little clearer that way. otherwise, i thought that it was great.

Minterra
New Member

since 1999-10-28

Posts 8
Rochester, NY, United States

2 posted 1999-11-02 05:49 PM

Och... always missing that kind of stuff. Thanks

hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius

since 1999-07-05

Posts 10750
Glen Hope, PA USA

3 posted 1999-11-02 07:05 PM

Minterra...I like the dreamy quality of this piece.I agree with roxanne on the past tense in this one. The other thing I noticed was that in just a few places the movement was a bit choppy, nothing that a word taken out here or there couldn't help. For example...I would probably take out the period after "tonight" in the first line and take out"you were" in the second line. That improves the movement in that line and takes out the repetition of You (Your) in the 2nd. 3rd, and 4th line.

Also I noticed you had him "nestled into my palm" that was reaching out in one line....to me that suggests touch and extreme closeness....but two lines down you say:
"Such that I could feel the heat of your body,
But not the smoothness of your skin." Are you or are you not touching him?

I'm not sure that I like the word soul in the second from last line...I might go with heart in place of soul (did I say that?) it seems to make the imapct a bit stronger there.

Over all, a very good poem with some nice lines going on. I like some of the imagery you used to bring out the suggestion of a dream world.
Ruth

[This message has been edited by hoot_owl_rn (edited 11-02-1999).]

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

4 posted 1999-11-03 01:21 AM

I like the imagery of this poem but have a pet peeve against the word 'dream'. Now, you do describe the dream which is better than what you usually get. I just wonder why you even need the first line at all?

Use your dreams as inspiration. I do all the time, but don't tell the reader it is a dream. I think it distances the reader from what you are trying to describe. Drop the first line and think about reworking the 'waking up' line and tell me what you think?

Of course, I could be wrong.
Brad

rachana.s
Member

since 1999-09-16

Posts 55
madras,tamil nadu,India

5 posted 1999-11-03 02:19 PM

dear minterra

lovely imagination.

other than the suggestions by rox, hoot and brad, I have a small correction - you say "a teary eye". Is it not "teary eyes" or "tears in my eyes".? the plural missing I think.

but loved the poem over all

rachi

[This message has been edited by rachana.s (edited 11-03-1999).]

Minterra
New Member

since 1999-10-28

Posts 8
Rochester, NY, United States

6 posted 1999-11-08 08:30 AM

The reason why the lines are somewhat confusing when it comes to whether or not I'm touching the person is to emphasize how closely I am to them, and how intimate the scene is between us, but there is still that intangibleness to it all.

As for not using soul, I can try something different to see if it fits the place any better. Heart is a good idea, but what I was trying to convey that it was the whole person that I was trying to reach, and not just the emotional aspect of it (which is still quite important

.

Dreams... Dreams I enjoy to write about because they are so close to what real life is, yet still have their own separate qualities to them. What I usually try to do is use dreams to convey the hopes and fears that a person has when s/he is awake and can in a sense hide from, but when they are asleep, must face them head on (whether it be literal or with symbols).

I agree that dreams can be used overly so, and try to keep mine reigned in so that even the things that come out of my dream scenes aren't too fantastic for credibility.

Also, I tend to use the singular with some things rather than the plural. In this sense, it's more so that you can tell that I'm not at the point of tears as I am in the last line. This only has a single tear for the scene as I watch the person leave. It was a bit off, though, which I tried to fix some.

In any event, here's the revised

I saw you in my dreams last night,
Walking towards me in the moonlight,
Your hair shining in a pale silver glow.
Your lips moved, but no sound was heard.
Frustrating beyond measure did I find
That you wanted to tell me something,
But something else seemed to forbid you.
I reached out to carress your cheek,
And while you smiled and nestled into my palm,
Your form was only half there,
Such that I could feel the heat of your body
But not the smoothness of your skin.
With teary eye, I watched you watch me
As you floated back from whence you came
To rejoin the mist of the night's horizon.
And, with the sun chasing the mists away,
I woke to feel your presence touching mine,
Weeping anew for how close we had been.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

7 posted 1999-11-11 05:20 AM

You still kept the word dreams.

Okay, okay, I have to accept the fact that not everybody's going to listen to me like the word of God. Thank God. What a scary world it would be if people actually did everything I said.

Of course, I'm still right on this one.

Brad

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