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Wind
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Wind |
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Paula-Marie New Member
since 1999-10-31
Posts 9Durham, England |
I know that I should'nt overload the system with too many offerings, but Im glad that we have this forum to share our creativity. A gust of wind blew by today and tugged upon my coat it swirled the leaves around my feet the scarf around my throat carried away on the Autumn wind I heard the Winter call within myself a chill began would I be warm at all The skeletons of a hundred trees nodded as I passed The low lit sun of Autumn shined then melted til at last the darkness came and howling stronger the wind crescendoed I could think no longer about the Spring to come with Winter poised at the edge of dawn. ------------------ |
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| © Copyright 1999 Paula-Marie - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Craig Member
since 1999-06-10
Posts 444 |
Thanks for the poem Paula new posts are always welcome ( Brad likes replies just as much but don’t tell him I told you ). I like this, it’s a nice picture of a fleeting moment caught in words. It is enjoyable without the need to provoke too much deep thought, sometimes that is all I as reader require from a poem. Now to the critique. I’d split this up into four stanzas for a start, the reason being that the first twelve lines bounce merrily along ( or will after a couple of changes ) in one meter, and the last four come across in another ( or will if you take my advice ). The first four lines are fine, no changes are needed. The fifth needs to be shortened, I’d take out ‘away’ and replace it with ‘high’. ‘Within myself’ sounds a little wrong somehow, if you replace ‘myself’ with ‘my bones’ it sounds better but would be a cliché , some folk don’t like them but I don’t mind either way, think of some other words if you like ( or leave ‘away’ in , it is after all your poem ). ‘The low lit sun of Autumn shined’ would sound better as ‘shone’ Now to the final stanza! I like the change of meter and would build on it, leave the first line but replace crescendoed in the second to ‘whipped wild’, using words with the same first letter is an old trick to make the reader almost sing the line, it can be overused though so don’t try it too often. Then we hit the big problem, the last two lines which need to be re-written to match the first two. I have no problem suggesting simple word changes that don’t affect the writers overall meaning, re-writing the last two lines should I feel be down to you. You know what you want to say, see if you can say it and match the meter of the other lines. With a little work this could be an even more enjoyable piece. You can take or leave my advice as you choose but if you do decide to re-write please post it as a reply to this, I would love to see it. Craig ------------------ Yes, I admit your general rule. That every poet is a fool: But I myself may serve to show it. That every fool is not a poet. |
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Paula-Marie New Member
since 1999-10-31
Posts 9Durham, England |
I guess none of us likes to have our work re-written by other people, but I like to gain knowledge on how to say what I need to. As for stanzas and meter, I write poetry because I like how it sounds or feels in my head. The words come jumbling out and appear on the paper. After I have tweeked I like what I write (narcissic I know) Anyway:- A gust of wind blew by today and tugged upon my coat It swirled the leaves around my feet, the scarf around my throat. Carried high on the Autumn wind I heard the Winter call In my bones a chill began Would I be warm at all? The skeletons of a hundred trees nodded as I passed. The low lit sun of Autumn shone then melted til at last the darkness came and howling stronger the wind whipped wild til I no longer thought about the Spring that hid whilst Winter met the dawn Help...is that ok? I figure it needs another tweek. ------------------ |
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Craig Member
since 1999-06-10
Posts 444 |
Paula, I said in my earlier post that I didn’t like re-writing whole chunks of other peoples poems, the reason is it somehow makes me feel like I’m trying to look like a better poet than the original writer. Anyone will tell you that that is impossible! Nobody is lower than me in the poetic writing league! What I can do is give you an example of how I would have written the last stanza, that may give you an idea as to what I was trying to get at in my first post. The darkness came and howling stronger The wind whipped wild until no longer Had I thoughts about the spring yet born With winter poised upon this autumn morn This is far from perfect but hopefully will give you some ideas and is intended to show what I meant by a change in meter, what do you think? Craig ------------------ Yes, I admit your general rule. That every poet is a fool: But I myself may serve to show it. That every fool is not a poet. |
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Paula-Marie New Member
since 1999-10-31
Posts 9Durham, England |
Thanks Craig. I shall tweek a bit more but I like what you did to it. ------------------ copyright-Paula M. Allum 1999 |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Paula, I agree with the suggestions that Craig has offered in this piece. I like the imagery that you have used and look forward to the final "tweeked" product. Ruth |
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