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God's Response
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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God's Response |
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misterpoet Junior Member
since 1999-10-26
Posts 18 |
God’s Response I’ve been there 4 u so many times it’s an administrative burden 2 keep count so I don’t but how many more my child… u never thanked me 4 the last time u said “if only u get me through this one, I promise…” I’ve given u so many hidden talents 2 use however u wished opened doors that would have stayed closed had I not stepped in on ur behalf but how many more my child… remember u never thanked me 4 the last time u said “if u give me this one, I promise…” I’ve carried u through storms u created by ur hand never left ur side even when u refused 2 allow me 2 bring the sun but how many more my child… think back 2 the last time u said “if u allow me to win this one, I promise…” my child when will u ever keep a promise volunteered? am I not as special 2 u as u are 2 me? --- 10.26.99 "What every poet starts from is his own emotions [and] the struggle-which alone constitutes life for a poet-to translate his personal and private agonies into something rich and strange, something universal and impersonal." t.s.eliot, 1927 |
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| © Copyright 1999 misterpoet - All Rights Reserved | |||
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
i liked this poem but there is one thing that bothered me about it. i am a great fan of words, and the use of numbers in this piece i think takes away from its meaning. this is supposed to be the voice of god, right? something a little less simplistic and maybe a little archaic. often, when i see numbers used in a poem, i don't even finish it, as using numbers and single letters in place of words is one of those pop culture things that really annoy me, but your poem is very good, really. i think that using the unabbreviated WORDS would add more to the regalty of the speaker (God) and show him a little more deference. just a suggestion  |
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misterpoet Junior Member
since 1999-10-26
Posts 18 |
thanks roxane for your reply. i use numbers in my poems quite often. it's a different way to express oneself. i sometimes rhyme but i prefer free verse and i try not to let pentameters and such get in my way of expression. now that you mention it though, the use of numbers may detract a bit from God as being the speaker - i know God doesn't talk like that. i'm glad you were actually able to finish the poem though (despite the numbers) and thanks for the kind words and critique. i wrote another one that's posted here and got feedback about the use of numbers. i know the use of numbers for people who ink poetry is nothing new - it's definitely not mainstream. a poem is the mental fart a poet has with pen and paper. |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Mister poet... Although I agree that the use of numbers and abreviations is not mainstream, I found your use of them in this piece extreamly distracting. I couldn't help but think of watching my 15 year old chat in one of the teen chat rooms when I read this one. I just think that the message and actually the over all quality of this is knocked down a few pegs by the letters and numbers. If I saw this in a book, I probably wouldn't have even took the time to read it and that would have been a loss because the subject matter and flow, if you can get past the letters and numbers, is well worth the read. Ruth |
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misterpoet Junior Member
since 1999-10-26
Posts 18 |
Ruth, thanks for the critique. i'm sure other people who read this poems here (in this forum) will feel the same sentiment as you and roxane. i have decided to use the full words in this one. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Good job, m. Perhaps the numbers/letters thing is a taste thing but I, for one, did not find them distracting. The "even the good things we do are imperfectly good" impression that your poem left on me was uneffected by your choice of style. Even granting that the numbers and letters are childish, I, personally, do not have a problem with God being a little condescending. I thought God was actually being very nice in your poem, considering the disobedience of his child. Keep it up, misterpoet. ------------------ Jim "Don't confuse me with the facts, I've already made up my mind." |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
The number and letters stuff has already been talked about but I have a hard time picturing God wallowing, "I don't get no respect" or "I give and I give and I give and all you do is take, take, take." Why not develop this? Expand the poem in such a way that we see something behind the scenes -- a sort of mulitiple God who talks like this on one level and at another level sees this as part of and overall plan that in turns lead to another level with still another God. If you don't, I just might. Just rambling, Brad |
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