»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
Damn, I'm Thirty (a Sonnet -- Just for fun)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
Damn, I'm Thirty (a Sonnet -- Just for fun) |
|
|
jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash 
|
A fright'ning thought smote me today, While contemplating my birthday. A lamentation this may be, But, damn, I'm thirty. Look at me: Protruding gut from too much beer, I've only had sex once this year, My fading sight and thinning hair, My wife's most portly derriere, I drive a Chrysler mini-van (You think that makes me less a man?) I pant when I walk up the stairs, But what hurts most is no one cares! You laugh at my words spoken true? Heed my warning: This could be you. ------------------ Jim "Don't confuse me with the facts, I've already made up my mind." [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 10-31-1999).] [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 10-31-1999).] |
||
| © Copyright 1999 Jim Bouder - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Systematic Decay Senior Member
since 1999-09-15
Posts 1301That place with padded walls and funny people in white......... |
The meter really needs work....most of the poem seems to be done with 8 syllables, which is, uh......4meter? (lol) The beginning lines are choppy, and I really stumbled on them. And I'm not sure, from what I understand, sonnets are supposed to be done in Pentmeter, which is 5 beats, or 10 syllables. Someone more knowledgeable please correct me if I am wrong. Rhyme needs some work, mainly in the second and third stanzas-which would be more pronounced if there was spacing betweent the stanzas. You started with the correct ABAB form in the first stanza, then reverted AABB, CCDD, which is incorrect for this poem. The last 2 lines had correct rhyme. Also, in my opinion, a sonnet is a very beautiful and graceful poem. I think it is more suited for serious, flowing, subjects...I don't know how to explain what I mean here..... I think the content would be better suited for a typical AABBCCDD... rhyme pattern. It's already what more than half of it is done in. ------------------ Thinking is just what a great many people think they are doing when they are merely rearranging their predjudices. [This message has been edited by Systematic Decay (edited 10-31-1999).] [This message has been edited by Systematic Decay (edited 10-31-1999).] |
||
|
jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
jbouder-- this poem had me laughing; its good to read something a little less serious out here now and again. i like the use of the lyric sonnet form here for your quite UNlyrical theme, lol, it works well, i think, towards the overall comic effect. systematic decay brings up some really good points about your rhyming scheme. as to meter, i'm not sure that a sonnet HAS to be in iambic pentameter, but i, for one, like to see pentameter in a sonnet. geez, i'll bet your wife really loves this one, lol, with the TOTALLY UNNECESSARY reference to her "derriere", which you seem to think is "portly." give her a break!  despite that egregious flaw in your poem, overall it's a nice, humorous little piece. oh, and p.s.: happy birthday! |
||
|
hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Jim, Again, your meter on this is less than desirable. As a sonnet, I don't believe it works. I'm going to give a bit of information here on the sonnet to clarify yours and Systematic's questions a bit. The English or Shakespearean sonnet follows a 4-4-4-2 format meaning it's rhyme pattern is abab cdcd efef gg The Italian or Perrarchan sonnet usually falls under the 8-6 format with a rhyme scheme of abbaabba cdecde although there are many variations on this one The sonnet is usually written in iambic pentameter...a unstressed syllable followed by an stressed syllable -*-*-* this is also the most common meter used in poetry. The sonnet is contained, compact, and demanding; whatever it does, it must do concisely and quickly. It has to take advantage of its rigidity. A sonnet is best suited for intense feeling and concentration of expression. Maybe this clears things up a bit, maybe it's clear as mud...LOL. I hope it helps Ruth |
||
|
Marq Member
since 1999-10-18
Posts 222 |
Yes it is flawed from a purely poetic perspective, but I enjoyed reading this. Sadly, you make being thirty years old sound more like 50. |
||
|
hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Jim and Systematic...if you are both interested in learning more about the sonnet, may I suggest that you look into the class Nan is giving here on Passions starting Nov 1st on the sonnet. You need only e-mail her or reply to sign up. It's under Poetry workshop. It is usually a fun time and Nan is a very good instructor. Ruth |
||
|
jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Thanks for the critique, folks. This one was (as the title suggests) just for fun. As Mr. Decay kindly pointed out, the first quatrain is a little choppy ... I will try to work on that. I used a little "poetic license" with the rhyme scheme, as Jenni and Ruth noticed, because the ABAB CDCD etc... format made my rant too choppy (in other words, it wasn't as funny). Writing in pentameter also made the lines seem cumbersome to me. The tetrameter seemed to me to be more crisp for my rant. Just to clarify something for Jenni, my wife's derriere is not portly (she made me say that) ... really its not. This was fun and good practice ... thanks for your time, everyone. Oh, and Marq, a preschooler and a toddler makes thirty feel like sixty. Oh ... and before Brad gets to this I better add, I have changed to title to "Damn, I'm Thirty (NOT a Sonnet -- Just for fun)" ------------------ Jim "Don't confuse me with the facts, I've already made up my mind." |
||
|
Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I can't believe you used my title. I'm going to sue. I'm going to sue. What? You've changed the title. Why does everybody always have to ruin my fun? I'm going to sue! I'm going to sue! Well, everybody here already done the technical stuff. There are sonnets done today that aren't in iambic pentameter. What I can't figure out is why bother calling them sonnets? I enjoyed the piece tremendously. I would say that you can play around with it and come up with a rhythm. Just takes a little tweaking of the pronunciation here and there. No, I don't think that's a good thing in a serious poem but why not in a comic one? j, don't mess with the wife, now. Poetic license is one thing but, to my knowledge, there is no such think as husband license.  I know, Brad |
||
|
hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Brad, Knowledge and a sense of humor to boot |
||
|
jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
I've finally written something Brad liked? And it only took thirty years! Thanks Brad. [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 10-31-1999).] |
||
|
Systematic Decay Senior Member
since 1999-09-15
Posts 1301That place with padded walls and funny people in white......... |
jboulder- it's Ms. Decay. ------------------ Thinking is just what a great many people think they are doing when they are merely rearranging their predjudices. |
||
|
jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Sorry "Ms" Decay. By the way, its "jbouder" not "jboulder" ... but you can call me Jim. ------------------ Jim "Don't confuse me with the facts, I've already made up my mind." |
||
|
rachana.s Member
since 1999-09-16
Posts 55madras,tamil nadu,India |
jim, I was laughing at this. It is cute. Forget the metre or the syllable count. This one is pure fun. rachi |
||
|
misterpoet Junior Member
since 1999-10-26
Posts 18 |
i like this 1. i'm sure people could agree with u on this 1 - those approaching 30. would love 2 see a rendition of this poem when u turn 40. thanks 4 the genuine laugh i got from this. |
||
|
Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Listen to all of the above, and then repost in Open Forum #3 - and give Toe a run for his money. Cute stuff. |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||