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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Words |
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Marc New Member
since 1999-10-29
Posts 7Glenview,IL,USA |
If simple words can make you see All of the love you mean to me Across the sky and painted sand I'll write the words by my own hand The tempest sea of rushing waves Will soon ascend with words engrave The songs of wind, in forth it sways My lyrics sing from dusk till day As blackened hues employ the night Of stardust flames, "to love" it writes A thousand words as scarce replete To point the way, for hearts to meet Of painted words for all they mean So petty makes a heart be seen But only able a single way Can I intend my heart to say Without a voice to see it through Without a chance to speak to you How can the words of love be brought Onto the light, aloof the thought? A thousand words of written sign Shan't go to waste a heart decline; At least to One, it speaks for true Unspoken words, my love to you... ------------------ I desperately need help on this poem. Please give me some suggestions on its content and a suitable title. |
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| © Copyright 1999 Marc - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Seems to me you understand meter and rhyme fairly well. Don't see much of a technical problem here. I'd think about rewriting some of night/writes and waves/engraves stuff but that seem minor to me. What makes the poem special? Yes, I have to say the same thing all the time and I do indeed wonder if by my very repetition, people won't see what I'm trying to say. This is a declaration of love; it's a personal poem and should be given to whoever you wrote it for but I'm a very selfish and insensitive person. Why should I care? I suppose I could put my own life in this one but since I write poetry as well, why don't I just write my own poem? I've written poetry that has brought tears to my wife's eyes so I'll stick with my own. Show my your life. Show me something about you or the person that makes it stand out, that makes me see your own, unique ideas and thoughts. In much of the poetry posted here (and read as much as possible, it helps), you see a tendency toward generalization but the language itself is already general. I think a poet needs to be more specific: use your own specific situations as a foundation for the poem, bring me into your life or the life of the character and make it so that I want to read the poem again (and again). This is of course only my opinion, Brad |
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Marc New Member
since 1999-10-29
Posts 7Glenview,IL,USA |
Thank you for your suggestion Brad. I'll work on it. Marc |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Marc...I thought you did a nice job with this one. As Brad stated, your meter and rhyme are about as perfect as one can get with them. This is what they call a greeting card poem. Sutible for use on a greeting card, understandable and relative to the general population. Is that a bad thing? NO, I don't believe so, it depends on what your needs and wants for this particular piece are. If this is intended to be given to someone you love, it is very effective. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Hoot, Well, it seems we disagree again (thank God for disagreements). Greeting card poetry is not okay (unless you want to work for Hallmark). People here often talk about 'heart' and 'soul' but as long as you stay in generality, your shooting for lobster but coming up with fish sticks. Generality means your talking around your personal feelings, not going after them directly, not trying to move the reader, not taking the courage to stand for the validity of your own feelings and beliefs. Well, let's see if that starts anything. Brad |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Brad, There's a lot to be said for poetry that speaks to many people as a whole. Although I myself enjoy the different, I also like to read poetry from time to time that touches my heart in a simple way. Ruth |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
i don't think this poem really works, even as a hallmark card. quite alot of it doesn't make sense, due to poor word choice, convoluted line structure, and lack of punctuation. some examples: The tempest sea of rushing waves Will soon ascend with words engrave The songs of wind, in forth it sways My lyrics sing from dusk till day or: Of painted words for all they mean So petty makes a heart be seen But only able a single way Can I intend my heart to say geez. and don't get me started on bringing words of love "onto the light aloof the thought." i think most of the poem's problems stem from the precedence accorded meter and rhyme over meaning. hoot, i agree with you that sometimes it is nice to read something that touches one's heart in a simple way. i did think that the "critical analysis" forum was for poems that aimed a little higher; indeed, marc's request for comments on "content" and suggestions for "a suitable title" indicate that he intended this to be something more than a "greeting card poem." but, you are right, there's nothing wrong with a good "greeting card poem" from time to time. in my opinion, this is not one of them, however. marc, i am sorry if i sound harsh. (maybe this is why guys i date never write poetry for me, lol.) as an exercise in meter and rhyme, your poem is quite good. [This message has been edited by jenni (edited 10-31-1999).] |
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Marc New Member
since 1999-10-29
Posts 7Glenview,IL,USA |
You're probably right about that one Jenni. I was hoping someone would say something about my word choices. Am I just being unclear in the poem's meaning? Thanks, Marc |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Guys, if you ever call one of my poems a good 'greeting card' poem, just know I consider that an insult (and so does everybody I know personally who writes). Is it okay to write them? Sure. It's okay to write anything. I like simple, comic poetry. That can be fun. Marc, If you follow this, you should realize that writing a good, serious romantic love poem, in my opinion, is one of the hardest things to do well. Why? Because we have a tradition of love poetry that makes it practically impossible not to overlap somebody. When I write love poems for posting (personal poems only go to that person), I usually stay in the comic mode. It is possible but I think a good general guide is to make it as specific as possible. Keep it on a level that people gain something from the experience of reading, not just a poem everyone can relate to. Okay, this is just my opinion and a lot of people disagree with me. That's a good thing. Jenni, the meaning seems pretty clear to me (some diction problems perhaps with 'aloof the thought' but I thought the syntax needs some work to make it more natural (Marc,unless your shooting for this strange style -- for example, some of Dylan Thomas does stuff similar to this). Okay, given my opinion, the last woman to give me a poem, gave me lines from Air Supply. Now, how long do you think that relationship lasted? The only thing worse: Abba :0 :0  Brad |
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Marc New Member
since 1999-10-29
Posts 7Glenview,IL,USA |
Brad, do you think you can expand a little bit more about the statement of making it more natural? Also tell me something on the strange style that you're talking about and Dylan Thomas. I'd really appreciate it. Thanks, Marc |
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