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Sally S.
Senior Member
since 1999-06-07
Posts 847
Ohio

0 posted 1999-10-28 12:37 PM


(This is my first post in this forum. I have this piece...an "acrostic sestina"...that I believe is "not too bad." Perhaps it could be better. Any suggestions???)


Two Formed as One

I know my love for you, at last
Within my heart forever true.
In dreams you’ve always come to me,
Like calming winds of mem’ries past.
Love softly finds it’s way to you
To capture what is meant to be.

Remain in truth of what will be,
Embrace this strength and make it last.
As life engulfs its time with you,
Surrender to this love so true.
Unspoken passion from the past,
Reveal your feelings now of me.

Evoke these dreams you’ve brought to me.
Yesterday simply can not be!
Over throw those thoughts of the past,
Undying love is ours at last!
For hearts tell tales of wishes true,
Oh love, my soul belongs with you.

Reach for those stars I’d give to you,
Ask naught of what you give to me.
Loosened heartstrings, oh yes, it’s true.
Look to the future, what will be.
Envisage time, for it will last,
Tormented lovers now in past.

Erelong, there will not be this past.
Regard now what I say to you...
Negate false thoughts that this won’t last.
Intrigue the night, come follow me
To a place where we’ll finally be
Yielding never more, my love true.

Melodic forces forming true,
You cast aside fears of the past,
Of silent question, “What will be?”
Now strong, I stand here right with you,
Enraptured by your stance with me.
Love formed two souls as one at last.

Ordained it’s true, both me and you…
Victors of our past. Now with me,
Each day will be, one more to last.



© Copyright 1999 Sally - All Rights Reserved
hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750
Glen Hope, PA USA
1 posted 1999-10-28 06:57 PM


Sally, a sestina in itself is a difficult task with out adding the complexity of trying to make it an acrostic...you have done well by this. As you said, "It's not too bad" actually, it's rather good.
I do see a few lines that the meter could be improved on a bit though. You have taken great lengths to match your syllable count (8 syllables a line), I very rarely count syllables in my poetry.If the meter is intact, there is no need to count syllables. Just because ones syllable count is perfect, does not mean that the meter is intact...take for instance one line out of you poem
"Over throw those thoughts of the past"
by deleting the word those...making the syllable count in that line only 7, you have done wonders at improving the meter..
Over throw thoughts of the past

another one that this might be done with is..
"Loosened heartstrings, oh yes, it’s true"
once again taking out one word, oh
Loosened heartstrings, yes it's true

Three other lines that seemed out of meter to me were
"Yesterday simply can not be!"
perhaps...Yesterday it can not be

"To a place where we’ll finally be"
To a place where we will be

"Yielding never more, my love true."
not sure what to do with this one...Yielding never more, love true. (??)
anyway, that's just some suggestions.



Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
2 posted 1999-10-30 02:48 PM


An acrostic sestina? Geez, and someone said I had guts for attempting rhyme now and then.

Knowing how long it takes me just to write free verse, I won't nitpick but I'm curious why did you choose this particular form? Insanity?


Marc
New Member
since 1999-10-29
Posts 7
Glenview,IL,USA
3 posted 1999-10-30 05:46 PM


It's a beautiful poem Sally, nothing more to say than that. (I especially liked the acrostic)

Marc

Sally S.
Senior Member
since 1999-06-07
Posts 847
Ohio
4 posted 1999-11-01 01:07 PM


Ruth,
Sorry for the delay in response.....busy, busy gal here.
I truly appreciate your suggestions. I always thought meter had to do with "count". As I was "sculpting" this piece, I found myself feeling that the addition of various words (such as those you pointed out) were taking away from the overall flow. In other words, I agree. I'll repost the corrected piece, with many thanks to you.

Brad,
Thank you...Yes, this was tough. Actually, I was challenged to write this specific form. (someone in another forum) Although I am a bit unstable....insanity played a minor role in this. I guess I wanted to see if I could do it. There is another version in Open Poetry #3 that explains the "insanity" part. (Acrostic Sestina #1)
Free verse is not my thing..so, you have something I do not. I enjoy poetry very much...I simply can not write it (often) without the addition of rhyme. (Guess I'll have to sign up for that workshop as well.)

By the way, to all here in CA...I can write..but as far as critiquing goes, I fear I wouldn't be the right person for that. So, if I don't remark on your work...that doesn't mean it wasn't read.

Marc,
Thank you for the compliment.

rachana.s
Member
since 1999-09-16
Posts 55
madras,tamil nadu,India
5 posted 1999-11-01 02:27 PM


sally,

sestina? phew!! That too combined with an acrostic? I was under the impressiion that a sextain (sestina) did not rhyme well. I stand corrected.

much much better than "good"

rachi

Marc
New Member
since 1999-10-29
Posts 7
Glenview,IL,USA
6 posted 1999-11-01 05:59 PM


Sally,

I feel the same way you do about rhymes. I've just started writing poetry and I tend to stay with the rhymes as a "comfort zone." But sometimes, more than often, the rhymes and meters get in your way of expressing your true emotions (read my poem and you'll see what I mean). But I think you did a much better job than mine at getting your point across. Once again, great job.

Marc

Sally S.
Senior Member
since 1999-06-07
Posts 847
Ohio
7 posted 1999-11-08 12:46 PM


Rachana,
You were correct. "Normally", sestinas do not rhyme. Once in a while, a silly "so and so" such as myself, comes along and challenges that.

Marc,
I've read your work....personally, I thought that piece was truly beautiful! I could feel what you were expressing. (Am I reading the wrong poem? ) Thank you...

P.S. The revised version is in the open forum.

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