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She;
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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She; |
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For_Never Member
since 1999-10-27
Posts 125Cincinnati, oh, United States of America |
she sits near the river, alone in herself crying because there is no one else to tell the truth She is all alone, within herself, trying to make two out of one. and as she crys, her day passes by, like so many days before.. does she know? does she care? As the moments slip through, and decades dance solemnly by, she dies, and no one is there to cry. existance lost, and that love, her great want and fear, is never found, And yet here I sit, upon this empty shore, emotions tucked away.. from within my hidden soul, word flow as the river.. and to this thought, my mind is taken... she is lost, and could anything replace her? No, not her whom is lost one no one shall miss but I, sitting by the river, all alone in myself Crying because no one else will....... Edward A. Beerman 5-97 revised 10-29-99 [This message has been edited by For_Never (edited 10-29-1999).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 Edward A. Beerman - All Rights Reserved | |||
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
I had a hard time with this one. For some reason it just doesn't seem to flow. A few of the lines are confusing...like "When she dies, onl she will mourn" How will she mourn when she is dead? I think this idea could work with some revisions to make it flow a bit better and make the reader understand. Here is an example of something that could be done with it: She sits near the river, alone in herself, crying because there is no one else. Thinking love and life never will she find; alone she is. Does she know I care? When she dies, an existance will be lost, and love, never found, gone. She is lost, and could anything replace her? No one shall miss her, but I, sitting by the river, all alone in myself, crying because... no one else will. Just an example, but I think it helps say what you are trying to with this. One other suggestion, watch the small mistakes, run it through a spell check before posting. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I'd check your spelling; it can really be distracting to a reader (I have to edit all the time myself). I liked the first three lines but think but after the word 'truth', I think you've let yourself move too far into telling the feeling and not trying to show the feeling. There is a person by the river and she's feeling sorry for herself. Why? 'truth' or 'I feel alone' does little for me (there may be others who can feel or relate to this but I found myself more interested in the river.) I really think you need more context. Why will she mourn and what brought her to this position? Really think about using a more conversational style all the way through the piece: Love and life near she will find for alone she is may appear 'poetic' or profound at first glance but I hear Yoda. I don't think that's the impression you want to make. Loneliness can be a powerful emotion but try to evoke the feeling in the reader. Don't just tell us about it. Just an opinion, Brad |
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For_Never Member
since 1999-10-27
Posts 125Cincinnati, oh, United States of America |
'she' is now re-edited, and under new managment...well, the same managment, but now with low, low prices!! |
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jamaicabradley Junior Member
since 1999-11-04
Posts 39 |
This poem seems to have some good ideas, but for me it just didn't flow. In the first few lines it is going well and then to just stop the rhyming was too much a break in the flow, there wasn't much consistency, also, I thought that you could have conveyed your feeling through the poem in a way in which would strike the reader more deeply, it has that potential. I could visualize the scene and emotions but they didn't hit me... |
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