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Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

0 posted 1999-10-27 01:14 AM


My wife had placed a tray
With beer and peanuts near
The papers needing marks.

A long and angry leer
Disturbed my work for school
And forced to look at her,

Was told that I was cruel
To proof mistakes for them
When Sunday came for fun.

"Of course, I won't condemn
Your job or life, the time
You take away from me

Because the one who I'm
Supposed to be with here
Continues working there."

She quickly drank the beer
And turned again to look
At me, "I'm drunk, I'm drunk."

She jumped on me and took
My pen away, undressed
And took her time today.

God, I love being married.

© Copyright 1999 Brad - All Rights Reserved
starchild
Member
since 1999-10-22
Posts 59
manchester, england
1 posted 1999-10-27 07:50 AM


like a well constructed brick wall
Iloveit
Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 1121
NM
2 posted 1999-10-27 09:44 AM


well, I agree with starchild, I do like it, very nice, only chink I see in the wall is in the line "and forced to look at her"
somehow it doesn't read right to me, seems the "to" is out of place and maybe an "a" would read better......

but I like it, and yep was a fun read
loved the way you worded the verses, especially this one ...

Because the one who I'm
Supposed to be with here
Continues working there."


[This message has been edited by Iloveit (edited 10-27-1999).]

hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750
Glen Hope, PA USA
3 posted 1999-10-27 09:57 AM


This is a nice peak into another side of you Brad...enjoyable read
Interesting format you chose for this one, it works well

jenni
Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478
Washington D.C.
4 posted 1999-10-27 01:19 PM


brad--
very, very nice! i love your subtle rhyming scheme, with the middle line of each verse rhyming with the first line of the following verse. and the last line of the last full verse, ending in "today," rhyming with the very first line, ending with "tray," did you intend that as well, to bring the poem back around full circle? you probably did, lol. (that's always bothered me about frost's "stopping by woods on a snowy evening", which has a similar rhyming scheme; "miles to go before i sleep" doesn't connect back to "whose woods these are i think i know".) anyway, very well done.

my only quibble is with the use of "because" in the 5th verse... it seems like the reason why your wife won't condemn your job or your life is because you continue to work and be away from her, which just doesn't make any sense at all. i am, quite possibly, missing something, but that's how it reads to me.

now let me get this straight... you read and write poetry all day, fool around on the computer, have a wife who serves you beer and peanuts (ON A TRAY, no less) and throws herself at you for an afternoon of slow, passionate lovemaking.... yes, i can see why you love being married, lol. perhaps this poem should be retitled, "it's good to be the king", lol.

[This message has been edited by jenni (edited 10-27-1999).]

[This message has been edited by jenni (edited 10-27-1999).]

Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
5 posted 1999-10-27 11:23 PM


Thanks to all who responded. Glad people are taking it in the spirit it was meant.

jenni,
both my wife and I share an ironic sense of humor (the lowest form of comedy I was once told) and that's what I was trying to get across with the 'because'. The 'here' and 'there' (We were sitting next to each other) is meant to emphasize that.

She read your comment about the 'king' and laughed hilariously. Excuse me, but I have some chores to do right now.

Brad

starchild
Member
since 1999-10-22
Posts 59
manchester, england
6 posted 1999-10-28 05:55 AM


i don't think it is a bad poem, brad, it's just that that type of poetry doesn't move me personally.
donovan blue
Junior Member
since 1999-09-21
Posts 26
austin,tx,usa
7 posted 1999-10-28 05:38 PM


Brad,
I wanted to tell you this one made me laugh out loud. Good work bringing humor (and LOVE)into a scene that could easily have been stressful.

donovan

Marq
Member
since 1999-10-18
Posts 222

8 posted 1999-10-28 06:08 PM


Brad,
Nice forum you have here!
I enjoyed reading your poem!

Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
9 posted 1999-10-31 08:48 PM


Just wanted to say thanks to those who have responded. Marq, we need you here (although a lot of people seem to be worried about the Scroll right now. Why is that?).

Donovan,
This is a true story so it's hard for me to see it as stressful. Do you have a poem to contrast this experience?


doreen peri
Member Elite
since 1999-05-25
Posts 3812
Virginia
10 posted 1999-11-02 10:34 PM


Hi Brad. Yep, it's me, Doreen. Here I am to critique a poem, believe it or not, and one of yours, to boot.

Umm... ok, where do I start. This is really cute. God I hate that word 'cute'. Alright, here are my thoughts about this poem... I could picture it. I was there in the living room with you seeing your wife... well, actually, when I read it, I was the wife because it all sounded so familiar. And I read it through to the end and had a great laugh, then thought about what a lucky wife you must have to put down such thoughts into poetry after she jumps your bones.

The first time I read it, I honestly didn't even get the rhyme scheme, but I felt like something was off in the flow of it. So, I read it again, and then I got the rhyme scheme. I guess the way you have the rhyming varying from verse to verse was intentional? (I'm sorry, but if there was a pattern to it, I couldn't see it).

I guess, in a nutshell, what I am trying to say is that I thought the rhyming was unnecessary and almost detracted from the poem because I had to take time to try to figure it out.

Other than that, I really liked this. It brightened up my day.

Now get to work with those chores! I'm sure she's got more peanuts and beer for you (among other things).... but you're going to have to earn it! hehee

doreen

Seoulair
Senior Member
since 2008-03-27
Posts 807
Seoul S.Korea
11 posted 2008-04-25 05:18 PM


Ha, ha, ha. Nine years and two children after,what do you think now?
what a light hearted cheering poem. Love the read. exp. when the author do not write this (clear) way lately.

Lovely indeed.


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