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Passions in Poetry

Time (Just for Fun)

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Brad
Member Ascendant
since 08-20-99
Posts 5896
Jejudo, South Korea


0 posted 10-27-1999 01:14 AM       View Profile for Brad   Email Brad   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Brad

My wife had placed a tray
With beer and peanuts near
The papers needing marks.

A long and angry leer
Disturbed my work for school
And forced to look at her,

Was told that I was cruel
To proof mistakes for them
When Sunday came for fun.

"Of course, I won't condemn
Your job or life, the time
You take away from me

Because the one who I'm
Supposed to be with here
Continues working there."

She quickly drank the beer
And turned again to look
At me, "I'm drunk, I'm drunk."

She jumped on me and took
My pen away, undressed
And took her time today.

God, I love being married.
© Copyright 1999 Brad - All Rights Reserved
starchild
Member
since 10-22-1999
Posts 60
manchester, england


1 posted 10-27-1999 07:50 AM       View Profile for starchild   Email starchild   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for starchild

like a well constructed brick wall
Iloveit
Senior Member
since 09-02-99
Posts 1168
NM


2 posted 10-27-1999 09:44 AM       View Profile for Iloveit   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Iloveit

well, I agree with starchild, I do like it, very nice, only chink I see in the wall is in the line "and forced to look at her"
somehow it doesn't read right to me, seems the "to" is out of place and maybe an "a" would read better......

but I like it, and yep was a fun read
loved the way you worded the verses, especially this one ...

Because the one who I'm
Supposed to be with here
Continues working there."


[This message has been edited by Iloveit (edited 10-27-1999).]
hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius
since 07-05-99
Posts 11105
Glen Hope, PA USA


3 posted 10-27-1999 09:57 AM       View Profile for hoot_owl_rn   Email hoot_owl_rn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit hoot_owl_rn's Home Page   View IP for hoot_owl_rn

This is a nice peak into another side of you Brad...enjoyable read
Interesting format you chose for this one, it works well
jenni
Senior Member
since 09-11-99
Posts 511
Washington D.C.


4 posted 10-27-1999 01:19 PM       View Profile for jenni   Email jenni   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for jenni

brad--
very, very nice! i love your subtle rhyming scheme, with the middle line of each verse rhyming with the first line of the following verse. and the last line of the last full verse, ending in "today," rhyming with the very first line, ending with "tray," did you intend that as well, to bring the poem back around full circle? you probably did, lol. (that's always bothered me about frost's "stopping by woods on a snowy evening", which has a similar rhyming scheme; "miles to go before i sleep" doesn't connect back to "whose woods these are i think i know".) anyway, very well done.

my only quibble is with the use of "because" in the 5th verse... it seems like the reason why your wife won't condemn your job or your life is because you continue to work and be away from her, which just doesn't make any sense at all. i am, quite possibly, missing something, but that's how it reads to me.

now let me get this straight... you read and write poetry all day, fool around on the computer, have a wife who serves you beer and peanuts (ON A TRAY, no less) and throws herself at you for an afternoon of slow, passionate lovemaking.... yes, i can see why you love being married, lol. perhaps this poem should be retitled, "it's good to be the king", lol.

[This message has been edited by jenni (edited 10-27-1999).]

[This message has been edited by jenni (edited 10-27-1999).]
Brad
Member Ascendant
since 08-20-99
Posts 5896
Jejudo, South Korea


5 posted 10-27-1999 11:23 PM       View Profile for Brad   Email Brad   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Brad

Thanks to all who responded. Glad people are taking it in the spirit it was meant.

jenni,
both my wife and I share an ironic sense of humor (the lowest form of comedy I was once told) and that's what I was trying to get across with the 'because'. The 'here' and 'there' (We were sitting next to each other) is meant to emphasize that.

She read your comment about the 'king' and laughed hilariously. Excuse me, but I have some chores to do right now.

Brad
starchild
Member
since 10-22-1999
Posts 60
manchester, england


6 posted 10-28-1999 05:55 AM       View Profile for starchild   Email starchild   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for starchild

i don't think it is a bad poem, brad, it's just that that type of poetry doesn't move me personally.
donovan blue
Junior Member
since 09-21-1999
Posts 27
austin,tx,usa


7 posted 10-28-1999 05:38 PM       View Profile for donovan blue   Email donovan blue   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for donovan blue

Brad,
I wanted to tell you this one made me laugh out loud. Good work bringing humor (and LOVE)into a scene that could easily have been stressful.

donovan
Marq
Member
since 10-18-1999
Posts 231


8 posted 10-28-1999 06:08 PM       View Profile for Marq   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Marq

Brad,
Nice forum you have here!
I enjoyed reading your poem!
Brad
Member Ascendant
since 08-20-99
Posts 5896
Jejudo, South Korea


9 posted 10-31-1999 08:48 PM       View Profile for Brad   Email Brad   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Brad

Just wanted to say thanks to those who have responded. Marq, we need you here (although a lot of people seem to be worried about the Scroll right now. Why is that?).

Donovan,
This is a true story so it's hard for me to see it as stressful. Do you have a poem to contrast this experience?

doreen peri
Member Rara Avis
since 05-25-99
Posts 8028
Virginia


10 posted 11-02-1999 10:34 PM       View Profile for doreen peri   Email doreen peri   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for doreen peri

Hi Brad. Yep, it's me, Doreen. Here I am to critique a poem, believe it or not, and one of yours, to boot.

Umm... ok, where do I start. This is really cute. God I hate that word 'cute'. Alright, here are my thoughts about this poem... I could picture it. I was there in the living room with you seeing your wife... well, actually, when I read it, I was the wife because it all sounded so familiar. And I read it through to the end and had a great laugh, then thought about what a lucky wife you must have to put down such thoughts into poetry after she jumps your bones.

The first time I read it, I honestly didn't even get the rhyme scheme, but I felt like something was off in the flow of it. So, I read it again, and then I got the rhyme scheme. I guess the way you have the rhyming varying from verse to verse was intentional? (I'm sorry, but if there was a pattern to it, I couldn't see it).

I guess, in a nutshell, what I am trying to say is that I thought the rhyming was unnecessary and almost detracted from the poem because I had to take time to try to figure it out.

Other than that, I really liked this. It brightened up my day.

Now get to work with those chores! I'm sure she's got more peanuts and beer for you (among other things).... but you're going to have to earn it! hehee

doreen
Seoulair
Senior Member
since 03-27-2008
Posts 776
Seoul S.Korea


11 posted 04-25-2008 05:18 PM       View Profile for Seoulair   Email Seoulair   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Seoulair

Ha, ha, ha. Nine years and two children after,what do you think now?
what a light hearted cheering poem. Love the read. exp. when the author do not write this (clear) way lately.

Lovely indeed.

 
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