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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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The End |
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Nightspear New Member
since 1999-10-20
Posts 8Michigan, USA |
Because of my broken heart, All my emotions are ripping me apart. So I walk around wearing a frown, Thoughts of losing you gets me down. My tears fall like the rain, No one's able to take away the pain. I can't sleep at night, My dreams of you I try to fight. The visions of loving you so, Makes it hard to let you go. There's really no need to be my friend, My love, this should be the end. ------------------ Nighspear{~*~} |
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| © Copyright 1999 Nightspear - All Rights Reserved | |||
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misterpoet Junior Member
since 1999-10-26
Posts 18 |
felt this same emotion - it feels like eons ago but when i read this - i was taken back to that moment in time when this happened in my life. |
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Craig Member
since 1999-06-10
Posts 444 |
Nightspear I couldn’t help but notice the rhyming words in this poem, don’t get me wrong I like rhyme but in this piece I found myself overemphasizing the rhyme at the end of each line. In some poems this is a great tool but I think it detracts from this one. There are several ways to disguise the rhyme, slant or half rhyme could be used but in this case I suggest you consider changing the aabb rhyme scheme to make it abab. It will mean swapping the lines about and a little editing to fit but worked when I tried it. That way you keep your rhyme but spread them out a bit. Another thing is ( Brad won’t like this ) I think your telling me too much, by that I mean I think you are using two words when you could use one. I took your first four lines, changed the rhyme scheme and removed some words. It isn’t perfect but what do you think? For my sad broken heart, I walk and wear a frown, Emotions rip apart. To slowly get me down. This is just my opinion and I’d read my signature before you make any drastic changes.  Craig ------------------ Yes, I admit your general rule. That every poet is a fool: But I myself may serve to show it. That every fool is not a poet. |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
I think that the question asked by this poem is far too important to use the line "my tears fall like the rain". Comparing tears to rain has really been used too much in poetry in my opinion. Your emotions are unique, so should be your poetry. perhaps that is the first thing that comes to mind when trying to cooperate with the rhyme scheme, but perhaps you could reword the "no one's able to take away the pain" line. it could be anything, just think of something original, like anything. "This pain no one can alleviate / My tears fall, never to hesitate." I know that isn't that good, and it isn't a similie like your original line, it was just an example. I think that this pome would benefit greatly from more insightful observations that sound more original. just suggestions |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
I agree with Craig on this one. The stressed rhyme distracts from the poem in this case. The four lines he's set as an example can work. A revision could do this piece well. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I agree with everything already said. Nevertheless, the poem inspired an idea. Why not write a poem about a day, a moment, an hour that shows you struggling with the routine while having hallucinations about the past relationship. Something like seeing him out of the corner of your eye, your heart stops, and you forget what you're doing kind of thing. I think a set up like that might lead you to work on some more powerful imagery. I've been there. Just an opinion, Brad |
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