My love to thee - pipTalk Forums

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tori
Senior Member

since 1999-06-18

Posts 520
Mechanicsville, Maryland, USA

0 posted 1999-10-25 11:57 PM

I stay awake each night, sleep forbid,
'tis far, from my weary mind
I ache, before moon light rests
Oh 'tis a bitter sweet line,
that comes slower each day, in time,
with you,
still
in
my
mind

You said you care, yet did not dare,
to give your anguished scope
As I in quest, do my best,
at holding on to hope

Every corner I go around I look,
but you, I do not see
And every letter I receive,
I find myself looking for thee

I dare not stop the dream
In somber, angered mist,
I sit and wait for moon lights rest
with fists, clenched in rage,
I know not, the person in this cage
I hold to hope, it pulls me back
And I see you, closer to God, with me

As then my wondering thoughts
go out to a wave less sea,
it floats me to my grave
A thousand times I drift to sea
Each time, further and further from thee
Never, have I faced such truth,
until, that darkened day
You said you love me, forever more,
~ then you went away

"How My God" do I decipher this,
what was it I did not see
How could my love give way
And run away form me
Then back I go to my wondering thoughts
drifting further out to sea

Now the day's they have no nights,
as the nights they have no day's
As many years have past
I can not last, can not go on this way
Its thoughts of a long ago passionate kiss
That carry me away,
floating in a wave less sea ,
That takes me to my grave

In hopes of fulfilling, that begotten dream
A place that we may be,
Where streets are lined with solid gold
Where peace will set us free...
I pledge my love to thee

---------------------------------------------
ok take this apart I can't get it to flow right have taken out put in and it wont work for me.. help!!

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

1 posted 1999-10-26 07:44 PM

I like the way you break up the first stanza and would consider dropping the rhyme scheme all together. I don't understand your use of the archaic 'thee' here except to match the rhyme. Are you trying to make this a period piece?

Also, don't understand the use of 'day's' as opposed to days. Doesn't make much sense. Am I missing something?

Finally, I think if you move away from the generality of the poem, you'll get away from much of the overused (to my mind) phrasing here. The last three lines of the poem lack any real 'punch' for me because I've read them before. If I were you (I'm not) I would think about changing the 'streets lined with gold' to something more interesting. In 1999 does anybody really see Heaven with that image anymore?

Just an opinion,
Brad

tori
Senior Member

since 1999-06-18

Posts 520
Mechanicsville, Maryland, USA

2 posted 1999-10-26 07:52 PM

Thanks Brad for the imput, makes sence to me.. I'll give it some adjustments and see what comes out... :-)

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