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Critical Analysis #1
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Long Time Friend
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Long Time Friend |
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caykay Junior Member
since 1999-10-25
Posts 19IL |
When I saw you sitting there, I looked into your beautiful eyes And it was more than my soul could bare. You smiled at me and said, "Hello. Long Time, Friend." My heart raced, and I became breathless, Just to see you again, was more than I could comprehend. Your gentle voice echoed within my soul and ears. And as you spoke, your smile illuminated me, I could feel my eyes burning and filling with tears. Was it a coincidence that we were to meet again? After all of these years, of traveling our own paths? Was it fate? Or were you my God send? Years of loneliness I have lived, many tears I have cried. Praying for a gentle spirit to be sent my way, To help dry my tears and fill my loneliness... I have tried. And when I was not looking, and least expecting it, My prayers were answered, and there you were. My Long Time Friend.... My Gentle Spirit.... You were sent to me swiftly on an Angel wing, At a critical time in my life, when I needed you the most. You brightened my darkness and made my heart sing. My loneliness began to subside, and my tears began to dry. I asked of my Angels and God, "Is he the one?" Or once again, is this only going to be another lie? I let my emotions and heart get away from me, I knew within my heart I should keep it in check. Your words took me away, captivated me, and helped me see. To see the beauty in life and what it has to hold. Your soft, gentle voice and kindness comforted me. I knew you were one of God's children to behold. You said you weren't ready for a commitment and wanted to be my friend. Your heart had been hurt so many times, you weren't ready for me. I understood, but was in fear our tenderness was going to end. And just as swiftly as you came to me on Angel wings, You floated away, softly, gently, quietly like the clouds in the sky. Clouds in all of their spender and beauty, supporting Sun rings. Your soft, gentle voice still echos within my mind. Your beautiful smile still invades my memory and dreams, Loving memories I will cherish my friend, you were so kind. Lucky are those who have you as a friend, I consider myself to be blessed.. because... I am able to call you..... My Long Time Friend... [This message has been edited by caykay (edited 10-29-1999).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 caykay - All Rights Reserved | |||
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sparrow Junior Member
since 1999-10-22
Posts 33 |
I really liked this, but it doesn't read like a poem, it reads like a really good prose peice. The aabb scheme was too drawn out, and the formatting was too structured like actual sentences. The puntuation calls for pauses in uneven places, losing the rhythm found in a poem. By no means try to make it more "poem-like", as it is an excellent work by any means, to me it just reads more like prose than poetry. ------------------ Sparrow Hawk Jester of http://www.scribedesigns.com/archflambeoth/ |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
You've certainly got a few moments here but I think the repetition of 'souls' and 'tears' and indeed of 'friend' detracts from what you want to do. I'd drop the rhyme scheme and do some pruning -- more image making and less explaining. I'm a little confused about the first stanza. You say the first time you saw him he said 'long time friend' -- I don't quite understand this. Brad |
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caykay Junior Member
since 1999-10-25
Posts 19IL |
new edited version.... |
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