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starchild
Member

since 1999-10-22

Posts 59
manchester, england

0 posted 1999-10-25 06:49 AM

this is the first poem i ever wrote and one i am about to make up

(1st one i wrote)

"Everything will turn out sunny"
As his pen carressed the page,
a worried smile should need not worry
there is truth in what he says

The bright lights made them speedy
But the drink had made them slow,
"Everything will turn out sunny"
"To the music, here we go"

But the music wasn't up to scratch
And rhythm teased his mind
"Everything will turn out sunny"
As one was left behind

The Apple called them back for more
The rhythm had now died
"Everything wil turn out sunny"
But tears he held inside

The hour bred departure,
The laughs began to fade,
The alcohol was audio
The sun turned into shade

That one was written the morning after my friends and i went out drinking in Liverpool for my friends seventeenth birthday and how i was hoping to have my wicked way with a girl i really liked but my friend buggered up the whole night by demanding to talk to the birthday girl about his undying love for her, which kind of ****ed everything up.

NEW POEM TA DAA

The earth moved,
when you spoke.
You crushed me with cold words.

Your booming voice,
never thought about
Who was in the way

Up there it's silent,
you don't hear me talking.
It's always dark

I tried to get to you,
and lost myself while I tried.
Lost my mind

You were meant to shelter me,
but you threw me into the storm
Thanks, Dad

That one is about my cousin who's dad is a bastard and when my cousin moved from England to be with him in Canada leaving behind all his friends, his family and his life.When he got there his dad took him out on a boat and told him all the things wrong with him. When my cousin came back home for a short stay he told me about it and while he was crying he just said, he's like a ****ing mountai or something, he won't let me near him.

Iloveit
Senior Member

since 1999-09-02

Posts 1121
NM

1 posted 1999-10-25 03:48 PM

I like the new one, the explanation brings it in even clearer, but is not needed, it is a good poem without it. Relationships with our parents are complicated and many faceted, your poem is a good representation of one kind

hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius

since 1999-07-05

Posts 10750
Glen Hope, PA USA

2 posted 1999-10-25 08:44 PM

Poem 1
""Everything will turn out sunny"
As his pen carressed the page,"...although I do like those two lines, I'm not sure where a pen caressing a page falls into going out and celebrating.
I really think with a little work, the rest of this is not bad...I'm not sure what the Apple you speak of is though...possibly something like this would work, merely a suggestion

Together for a celebration
They had hit the town
"Everything will turn out sunny"
In words that hid his frown

The bright lights made them speedy
The drink had made them slow,
"Everything will turn out sunny"
"To the music, here we go"

The music wasn't up to scratch
And rhythm teased his mind
"Everything will turn out sunny"
As one was left behind

Back and back they went for more
The rhythm had now died
"Everything will turn out sunny"
But tears he held inside

Then the hour bred departure,
As the laughs began to fade,
The alcohol was audio
When sun turned into shade

[This message has been edited by hoot_owl_rn (edited 10-25-1999).]

starchild
Member

since 1999-10-22

Posts 59
manchester, england

3 posted 1999-10-26 07:45 AM

hoot, 'as his pen carressed the page' was me trying to convince someone to come out with us by writing it because we were in a class.
the Apple is Flannigans Apple, an irish bar.
to take the but out of the sixth line would make the rhyme stumble and feel artificial

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