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**lost**
Junior Member

since 2001-07-16

Posts 32
ma

0 posted 2001-07-30 05:02 PM

long past forgotten,
breaking from the clouds.
emerging breathless, naked;
broken, insecure.
my mouth stagnantly gapes open,
in a vile attempt
to calmly rethink, retell, relive,
the tales of unnatural  sorrow.

collecting my thoughts,
disregarding their nature,

incessantly rambling
with a futile desire,
to sum up in a word,
a means to convey,
my utter disgust,
disillusionment,
and overall dismay.

should i display it with eloquence?
over a nice spot of tea?
with the use of beautifully sounding archaic syllables?

or should i break it further down?
leaving nothing to translation.
risk it all to fear?
to yours of me,
and mine of yours.

or better yet,
tell the world.
freeze them,
horrify then with my words,
stupefy them with thoughts.

or should i leave this world in a state of Grace?
leaving none mystified,
all unaware.
discreetly check out
of this one night motel.
with no luggage,
nor baggage,
no moments of sadness,
nor moments of glory,
no moments in the dark,
nor moments in the sun.

or maybe just the opposite,
challenge every word.
accept no easy knowledge.
living fast and short
with death on my heels,
and baby desire pulling at my wrist.
a guest of honor,
at my own soiree;
mingling with death and desire,
and a wanton passion to live in the eyes of all.

or how about forget it all?
not deny,
just forget.
tell no one,
forget to  remind myself;
of tragedies past occured.
don't allow it to  mix with existence,
or allow it any weight;
to change me, effect me;
to look back upon it,
see it long past forgotten,
just barely peaking through the clouds.

confused among strangers,
lost amongst myself.
**lost**

aprikot
New Member

since 2001-08-08

Posts 4

1 posted 2001-08-08 12:29 PM

i think this work is a good  interpretation of indesiciveness as it pertains to the subject of the poem, i particularly liked the hotel metaphor!  i think this poem is still a bit raw however.  it positively drips with emotion, but it hides as much as it reveals.  you use the word "it" to describe things that are not completely obvious.  for example, the subject is trying to express, dismay, disgust, and disillusionment in a word.
then:

or should i break it further down?
leaving nothing to translation.
risk it all to fear?
to yours of me,
and mine of yours.

i'm not sure what the subject is risking and why this is fearful.  the last two lines are beautiful wordplay, but i'm not sure what they are meant to convey.  and then:

or better yet,
tell the world.

i guess this confuses me because who was the word (that the subject looking for) originally intened for?  there seems to be and indesiciveness as to wether the subject should tell the world or some other entity, but it's not clear who the other entity is.  i assumed that it was "the world" but when i came to the line "or better yet,/tell the world." it confused me.

the next stanza is really good, i really liked the hotel metaphor.  then:

or maybe just the opposite,
challenge every word.
accept no easy knowledge.
living fast and short
with death on my heels,
and baby desire pulling at my wrist.

i would suggest a change in the order of the lines here.  in the previous stanza you write how you are not sure if you should leave this world.  then here you wonder about doing the opposite, "challenge every word".  To me at least, death and verbal challenges are not opposite, but death and "living fast and short" could be.  Thus, i might suggest this:

or maybe just the opposite,
living fast and short.

and then arranging the other lines as you see fit.  i guess my suggestion is to immediately state the opposite, instead of placing it later on.

the poem ends well, though i would change the last two lines to be more similar to the first two lines:

see my long past forgotten,
breaking through the clouds.

i think that gives a nice circular feel to the poem, emphasizing (through structure) how indesiciveness often brings us back right where we started.

overall, i think this poem has a lot of potential and you can bring it from raw crystal to glistening jewel...

-carlo

citizenx
Member

since 2001-07-31

Posts 189
motorcade

2 posted 2001-08-12 12:09 PM

Hi Lost,
Firstly some very nicely written images here.

" my mouth stagnantly gapes open,
in a vile attempt"

" incessantly rambling
with a futile desire,
to sum up in a word,"

" living fast and short
with death on my heels,
and baby desire pulling at my wrist."

However this is crit forum and if I read this is Open I would focus on its good points alone and it has a lot of those going for it, but we are here to talk about the flaws in poems and my main problem here is length.

My first concern is the little spelling mistake in the title, " indesisive" should be indecisive. It is a small thing, but when a word in the title is spelt wrong it does not make for a good beginning.

I feel the words "long forgotten past" are quite cliché, and you have much more interesting images that you could start with,  "emerging breathless, naked;
broken, insecure."  Now for me that would be a much stronger beginning.

"my mouth stagnantly gapes open" too many verbs I feel, it is nice image but " stagnantly gapes" is a bit of a mouth full, "my stagnant mouth gapes" flows better.

Already the lines "to calmly rethink, retell, relive" give the reader the impression of soul searching,
I feel using the follow up lines is unnecessary:

"collecting my thoughts,
disregarding their nature,"

It just seems like you are pushing the point, and if it is for contrast, you already pointed that out in the contrast of

"vile attempt" and ""calmly rethink" which I really like.

In the third verse I would cut out " to sum up in a word, a means to"
reading it out to these ears it sounds better as

" incessantly rambling
with a futile desire,
to convey,
my utter disgust,
disillusionment,
and overall dismay."

and maybe cut out " disillusionment" so you have the rhyming scheme with "convey" and "dismay"

Being cruel here personally I am not crazy over the verse

" should i display it with eloquence?
over a nice spot of tea?
with the use of beautifully sounding archaic syllables?"

it just seems to disrupt the flow of the piece, I would cut it out altogether
or find a way to put it in at a later stage in the poem.

Speaking of hacking more, I would lose the following two verses,
So that the poem now runs as

" incessantly rambling
with a futile desire,
to sum up in a word,
a means to convey,
my utter disgust,
disillusionment,
and overall dismay."

"should i leave this world in a state of Grace?
leaving none mystified,
all unaware."

Losing the or at the start of the latter verse.

Being positive for a change, I really love the hotel metaphor

"discreetly check out
of this one night motel.
with no luggage,
nor baggage,
no moments of sadness"

nice, very nice.

OK I am being nasty again,

" or maybe just the opposite,
challenge every word.
accept no easy knowledge
living fast and short
with death on my heels,
and baby desire pulling at my wrist.
a guest of honor,
at my own soiree;
mingling with death and desire,
and a wanton passion to live in the eyes of all."

You have some great images here, wonderful metaphors and these are what should be,
However the second and third line upset the balance, they TELL instead out showing.

I think if you remove the second line " challenge every word." And leave the third
" accept no easy knowledge" IT is nice image, but together those lines are telling the audience while the rest of the verse is letting the audience picture wonderful images such as

" with death on my heels,
and baby desire pulling at my wrist."

" a guest of honor,
at my own soiree;"  Wow these are great. Seriously.

" mingling with death and desire,
and a wanton passion to live in the eyes of all."

The last lines especially good written, reading the last verse feels like an anti climax.
Yes, I am suggesting that you end at

" mingling with death and desire,
and a wanton passion to live in the eyes of all."

It is the perfect ending, cryptic, powerful and brings the poem to a great ending.

I hope I not seemed too vicious or brutal in my approach, these are just my opinions, not attempt to re write the work of others. Lost you have talent aplenty, I just feel that you need do a little bit of editing with this one.

==========================

emerging breathless, naked;
broken, insecure.
my mouth stagnantly gapes open,
in a vile attempt
to calmly rethink, retell, relive,
the tales of unnatural sorrow.

incessantly rambling
with a futile desire,
to convey,
my utter disgust,
disillusionment,
and overall dismay.

should i leave this world in a state of Grace?
leaving none mystified,
all unaware.
discreetly check out
of this one night motel.
with no luggage,
nor baggage,
no moments of sadness,
nor moments of glory,
no moments in the dark,
nor moments in the sun.

or maybe just the opposite,
accept no easy knowledge.
living fast and short
with death on my heels,
and baby desire pulling at my wrist.
a guest of honor,
at my own soiree;
mingling with death and desire,
and a wanton passion to live in the eyes of all.

shadows flicker sweet end tame
dancing like crazy mourners" magazine

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