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Need some opinions
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Need some opinions |
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DJ_Husker New Member
since 1999-10-21
Posts 2Lincoln, Nebraska, United States |
I would just like opinions on my poetry. I've written for a long time but not seriously and now I want to start to do more with poetry so I need your honest opinions good or bad. Thanks LOVE I close my eyes and I see your face A feeling inside my heart so strong I just want to hold you and feel your embrace I want to watch you while you sleep, sing you a song Things in this world are so hard to come bye Love is something so pure and right So now with you I don't want this to fall apart...I don't want to cry If we don't have love we have nothing so this and you are worth the fight I love you more deeply than the deepest sea The way you hold me and make me feel Can't you see it was meant to be...you and me Love flows through me, it's so unreal I want to make love under the stars I want you to open your heart to me I want to have some fun and go to the bars You inspire me to be all that I could ever be I want you to know that I love you I want you to know that your all I think of God had plans for us and some how I knew That he was going to give us eachother for love So now walk the path with me Together we will forever be |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Dj....my first suggestion on this one is to improve the meter, the meter, or lack there of, really distracts from what may other wise be a great poem. I find when I am writing, and I hope this will be of help to you, that it's easier for me to tap out my words with my hands in the way they are pronunced ...which syllables are emphasized that is. If I am able to tap out a pretty steady rhythm, I can be fairly certain my meter is almost intact. I'm going to see what I can do here with a stanza or two yours and then tap it out and see if you can see what I mean. This is just a suggestion, nothing more and another way of looking at it: I close my eyes and see your face A feeling in my heart so strong I want to feel your soft embrace Watch you sleep, sing you a song I love you deeper than the sea The way you hold and make me feel Can't you see we're meant to be Love flows through me, so unreal Okay, that's two and just an example, try tapping them out or even reading them emphasizing the syllables...see what I mean? Look at stanza 2 for example...you range in syllable count from 8 to 17 syllables in a line. Now perhaps if this was free verse, you could get away with that, but you've made it a point to rhyme and build a structured poem, by doing this, you've committed your self to meter of some fashion. I like the subject matter...Love, one dear and near to my heart and you've got some nice lines in here. Now you need to get the form a bit tighter  |
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Julie Senior Member
since 1999-08-20
Posts 739Houston, TX |
DJ, I will be glad to give you my opinions (help) but bare with me...not an expert. I will go through it the best I can The first verse is very good...you set the reader up for an emotional journey of your experience. The second verse doesn't seem to work with what you started in the first verse. It expressed to me more of your fear rather than your love. So my advice would be to reword it to express more on how she makes you feel or take it out and maybe make a poem on that theme of your fear of losing her love. Third verse: First line "more deeply than the deepest sea...cliche', try something a little more original or putting it in your own words to express how much. How does she make you feel. Can you make it into an image that readers can relate to? The third line: "can't you see it was meant to be...you and me." change "it" to we and remove "you and me". My reason...it sounds like your love is separate from the feelings you have for her and "you and me" sounds a little redundant. Fourth verse: take out the "I wants", you did good on expressing your desires except the third line doesn't fit "I want to have some fun and go to the bars". You could express how you want to spend your time together but shoot for something more romantic. Fourth line is good. Fifth verse: What you say is good but again remove the "I wants". You could have it there once and maybe in the fourth verse once but not five times. The word "that" in the fourth line could be removed...it is a word often overused. I would change the sentence to read "he is going to give us each other for love". I know this is a lot, and this is only my opinion. Keep what you feel strongly about. I can see that you have a lot of feeling for this person and just organizing those feelings some would help you relay it better to the reader. Feel free to e-mail me. |
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starchild Member
since 1999-10-22
Posts 59manchester, england |
o.k before you think about what i say you should read my stuff and then bare in mind i am only 18 and dropped english a-level because it bored me, the decide wether or not you think my opinion is the kind you want to affect your work with. that said this is what i think: i agree that the meter needs work on,if, that is what you want to do. i think that a good thing you might do is read the poem again, think about it then write down a load of words the compare them to the poem and write it again, you may prefer the new one, maybe not, pish pash |
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Systematic Decay Senior Member
since 1999-09-15
Posts 1301That place with padded walls and funny people in white......... |
I agree with Hoot on this one.....meter would make this poem very good. ------------------ "Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage." -Billy Corgan- |
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Craig Member
since 1999-06-10
Posts 444 |
What hoot is saying makes a lot of sense, most poetry that rhymes has a metered structure. The way lines are split using hoots tapping method would make your first 4 lines look and read like this: - I / close / my / eyes / and / I / see / your / face A / feel /ing / in / side / my / heart / so / strong I / just / want / to / hold / you / and / feel / your / embrace I / want / to / watch / you / while / you / sleep /, sing / you / a / song Each word would give you one ‘ beat ‘, this shows you that your first line contains 9 beats the next three are 9, 10 and 12. The English language naturally lends itself to iambic meter, in simple terms an iambus is one pair of beats, as they come in pairs Iambic meter must contain equal numbers of beats (one stressed one unstressed , see below ). If I was to re-write your first stanza to follow these simple rules I’d do it like this, ( my apologies for my inept rearrangement of your words, I do it solely to point out this boring meter stuff )! I / close / my / eyes / to / see / your / face feel / things / in / side / my / heart / so / strong I / want / to / feel / your / sweet / em /brace to / watch /and / sing / a / lov /ers / song Each line now contains 8 beats, I attempted ( and failed ) to modify your original words as little as possible. You may notice the second line has changed quite a bit, this is down to the stresses that are placed on the syllables in that line which created an uneven beat. I won’t even attempt to explain stresses ! That subject has already been covered in Brads lessons in another forum ( if you read this Brad a hyperlink would be handy round about now ) . Once the meter has been sorted out it is not fixed in stone, two extra beats per line could be added to give the stanza a little more meat. I close my aching eyes to see your face feel things long lost inside my heart so strong I want so much to feel your sweet embrace to watch in awe and sing a lovers song You can go on adding or removing pairs of beats until you get it the way you want it. This is a simplified way of writing metered verse. I do not profess to be an expert, I may be completely wrong ( in which case I’m sure a proper poet will correct me ) but I hope this helped. Craig ------------------ Yes, I admit your general rule. That every poet is a fool: But I myself may serve to show it. That every fool is not a poet. [This message has been edited by Craig (edited 10-22-1999).] |
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Julie Senior Member
since 1999-08-20
Posts 739Houston, TX |
Thanks guys when it comes to terminology I am in over my head...I think hoot and I were responding at the same time. I even learned a lot here. So DJ if you're confused...follow their lead, they are much better poets. At the time I saw your posting no one had responded yet...good luck. ------------------ Julie ------------------------- Almost all our misfortunes in life come from the wrong notions we have about the things that happen to us. >Stendhal |
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