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Canada
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Canada |
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Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
This is my first attempt trying meter. I really would appreciate suggestions, critique, your opinion, as I really want to learn some more. Canada, oh Canada what hast thou done with me whenever I do close my eyes my heart is there with thee Your mountains and great forests of an infinity Sequoias stand majestically ancient serenity What everlasting pleasure lies in your scenery the crumbling walls of what once was beneath a Maple tree I see fields gold grain waving and hear corn grow at night the sun slowly fading away beyond your endless skies Canada, oh Canada what hast thou done with me I feel thou wisphers in my soul I wish to be with thee To spot a single red deer scent danger in the breeze the slightest noise will make her flee among your mighty trees I see your children playing out on a frozen pond at snowball figths and slapping pucks a magic way beyond Memories of days gone by engraved into my soul return to you I will some day has always been my goal Canada, oh Canada what hast thou done with me thou temptress of my craving heart I long to be with thee Munda |
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| © Copyright 1999 Munda - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Julie Senior Member
since 1999-08-20
Posts 739Houston, TX |
Munda, I liked this. It reminded me of one of Walt Whitman's pieces he did on America. Sorry can't critique any more than this. Hopefully someone can help you with your form, if needed. But it seems fine to me. ------------------ Julie ------------------------- Almost all our misfortunes in life come from the wrong notions we have about the things that happen to us. >Stendhal |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Munda, for a first attempt, this is very well done. You have battled the differences in language to pull off something that can be read and understood by anyone. I applaud you for that. I do have a few just minor suggestions for a few lines just to tighten up the flow a bit more I see fields gold grain waving perhaps...(I see fields where gold grain waves) the sun slowly fading away (The sun set slowly fading) To spot a single red deer (I spot a single dark red deer) at snowball figths and slapping pucks (watch you spelling...smiles, fights) Memories of days gone by (memories of the days gone by) has always been my goal (it's always been my goal) Over all a beautiful and well thought out poem Munda, take a bow dear girl  |
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Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
Julie, thank you for your compliment, it means a lot to me. : ) Hoot, thank you so much for your suggestions. I like them all ! : ) But....some of them interrupt the 7-6-8-6 rhythm, so here's what I've done: "I see fields where gold grain waves", thank you, this was just what it needed. : ) "the sun set slowly fading", this made it a 7 instead of an 8, so I changed it to; "the sunset slowly fade away". (is that correct English ?) "I spot a single dark red deer", sorry same thing,changed it from a 6 to a 7, so I changed it to " I spot a single red deer". I will think about this one a little longer, as I like "dark red deer" a lot. See if I can fit it in somehow. : ) figths.....fights....sorry, these Dutch fingers don't always listen : ) Thanks for letting me know. : ) "memories of the days gone by". How do YOU pronounce that ? For me this is a three DA, me-mo-ries. Do you read it as mem-ries ? or should I write it as mem'ries ? "it's always been my goal", thank you, another subtle change I was looking for. : ) Thank you so much for your help. : ) And thank you for your kind words....gosh, makes me all shy coming from you....The Poet. : ) Munda |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Munda..me, The Poet?? I hardly think so, but thank you. the sunset slowly fade away use fades here instead of fade, then the English is proper "memories of the days gone by". How do YOU pronounce that ? For me this is a three DA, me-mo-ries. Do you read it as mem-ries ? or should I write it as mem'ries ? good question on that one, it all depends on the person I guess I myself pronunce it mem-ries...a 2 syllable count when actually it is 3...launguage is so confusing is it not ?? |
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Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
Hoot, Language confusing ? LOL, it sure is ! I've changed it to "mem'ries", as I really like "the days gone by", or should I take the risk and write "memories" anyway ? I somehow struggle over the double g in: gold grain, so I think I may changed it to: Golden fields of waving grain nature's sweet lullaby the sunset slowly fades away beyond your endless sky This way the G's are separated and when I read it out loud, it sounds better. What do you think ? Munda |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Munda...I like the g's seperated like that and I do like that line. As far as memories goes, the choice is yours. I think the new line you put in nature's sweet lullaby I myself might use something like nature's song a lullaby Laughs, before you even say it, I know, that makes the syllable count in that line seven instead of six...refer to my second posting on Craig's poem about this...easier to explain once instead of twice |
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Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
Hoot,.....yes, it really makes sense what you write as a comment on Craig's poem, but...always a but huh ? : ) As this is my first attempt at meter, I'm trying to stick to the 7-6-8-6 rhythm, so I was thinking : "a whis'pring lullaby" ? If that can be written like that of course. LOL ! Or perhaps "sing a sweet lullaby", or...or...or...LOL, the more I think about it, the harder it gets ! Whoever said it was easy !, but I love it. ; ) |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Okay Munda, since you are so insistant on that syllable count whis'pring lullaby is perfect, that ought to pull the entire thing together nicely |
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Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
Hoot, thank you so much for all your help. : ) I learned a lot and really appreciate it. : ) On my way to open#3 ! : ) Munda |
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