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I miss me too
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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I miss me too |
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Iloveit Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 1121NM |
I couldn't say for certain when but I would guess it at least four years since my heart and soul left you. the part of me that needs to be loved and needs friends that care and a normal life, she goes to work everyday and lives her real life. and so it is no wonder to me when you come into my room in the dark and my ears hear that you miss me. This body that you call your possession, that you kept from leaving you. she now comes dutifully home come five o clock, and at your house each weekend, she waits for monday. how long has it been you ask, that I found this bit of insanity? I call it a victory in the war of survival and wearing a tarnished medal band, I can wake each day and find a smile. just what time was it when I, tired fighting your strangling control your ever alive suspicions, and your anger, just stopped? I couldn't say for certain when but it seems an eternity, and I miss me too. ------------------ ©1999 Iloveit ok, had trouble with this one too, was clear as day in my head, but when I went to write, it became clear as mud lol, suggestions welcome, couldn't decide on a title either, and picked this one at the last minute...??? [This message has been edited by Iloveit (edited 10-18-1999).] |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Hmmmm. Find this piece intriguing but (and I bet you already know what I'm going to say.) feel like it's a poem that's almost there. Actually, I like the use of 'you' which seems to be a husband or a lover who unintentionally has changed you in a way that neither person is satisfied. Nevertheless, the speaker if far too passive for me taste. She seems unable or unwilling to do anything about her life and this creates a sort of calm, regretfullness to the whole poem. Would prefer to see some sort of tension involved. People (I hope) will disagree but I don't see any moment of epiphany, any moment of realization, any decision to action. Even futile action is better than no action at all. For me, passive acceptance is just not a good place to start a poem. You can argue that it's true, I suppose, but how many people will read this and not think something like "time to change your life", "time to make a difference", or something like that? How many people will want to help you? 'eternity' is a long time. Perhaps change that to something like forty years to relate the last part with the first part. We may indeed be controlled by situations but that doesn't mean we should stop fighting. Brad |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Whew...coming from this type of a situation, I have some clarity into your meanings that Brad may not. I like your idea, but think this one needs just a tiny bit of brushing up. One thing I really found confusing was the continual change in person from me to she. I think I understand, given the subject matter what you were trying to accomplish with this one, but found it more destracting to the poem than anything. As far as Brads comment of passive acceptance...sometimes one has no other choice to maintain their sanity...been there, done that. I existed for 17 years without living at all, I think basically that's where this poem is coming from. As far as "eternity" I don't think that's too strong of a word as it does feel like that. Let me give it a shot here. I've made a few little almost unnoticable changes in it, but I think it serves to bring your expressions across a bit better. By the way, I love the way you ended this...I added one extra word there to emphasize the thought though. I can't say for certain when, but I guess it's been at least four years since my heart and soul left you. The part of me that needs to be loved, needs friends that care, and a normal life goes to work everyday and lives her real life. It is no wonder to me that when you come into my room in the dark my ears hear that "you miss me." This body that you call your possession, that you kept from leaving you, now comes dutifully home at five o clock each day, and at your house each weekend waits for Monday. "How long has it been?" you ask, since I found this bit of insanity? Insanity? I call it a victory in this my war of survival and wearing a tarnished metal band, lets me wake each day to still smile. When was it, that I, tired of fighting your strangling control, your ever alive suspicions, and your anger, just stopped fighting all together? I can't say for certain when... but it seems an eternity, and yes, I miss me too. [This message has been edited by hoot_owl_rn (edited 10-24-1999).] |
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Iloveit Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 1121NM |
thanks hoot, I know, it takes living a life like this to understand, and I really do like what you did with it, I had trouble writing it, and knew it needed some work just didn't know what... brad, no, I don't expect you to understand this, and yes it is time for a change in my life, yes that very well could be read into the poem, am dealing with that right now, but whether or not I change my life and make it better is not the subject here, it is simply a slice out of my life...right now. It is not up to the reader to ask me why I don't do something differently. When a situation is very hard to leave and there can be any number of factors to make it as such, but the heart has need to be free, the heart frees itself in the only way it can...or it dies, that's what this poem is about [This message has been edited by Iloveit (edited 10-25-1999).] |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Perhaps I didn't make myself clear enough. I liked most of it. Iloveit: the following is concerned specifically with the word 'eternity' and its use in poetry. It is not intended as a critique of your poem but as a critique of Hoot's critique of my critique. I still think we should discuss language once now and then. Hoot: How long is eternity? My problem with the word is not that people don't use it in everyday conversation, they do. But what does it mean? How does eternity feel to you? It's too abstract in my opinion and actually detracts from the feeling that you and Iloveit understand and I don't  . If something actually feels like eternity, you could never look back at it or describe it, you'd still be feeling it and, in fact, you'd never know you felt it because you'd never not feel it. My point was to try to enhance that feeling with a more concrete image: 4 years seeming like 40 years is something you can actually perceive; it gets the point across without moving into logical contradictions. Again, we use these words all the time (my wife just berated me for not saying 'I love you forever' -- and now she's trying to strangle me Helppppppp!!!!! |
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starchild Member
since 1999-10-22
Posts 59manchester, england |
if i were you i don't think i would have got round to writing a poem, i would hve probably dribbled and shook and threw myself to the ground |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Cheers Brads wife on...oops, where did that come from, someone took over my keyboard for a moment  Brad, I understand what you are trying to say here, but people do use the word eternity and also forever...sometimes there are words that are beyond our grasp, maybe that's what makes them interesting. Have you seen heaven?? Do you believe in it's existance? How do you know you love your wife? What is love anyway? Have you seen the wind? No? You've felt it? But how do you know that's what you felt? What makes us think the sky is blue just because someone said it is? Sometimes everything is not black and white. What is eternity to me? Eternity is a feeling that no matter what, something is not going to end. 7 1/2 years in an abusive marrige may not be eternity, but when you're there, when you are living that nightmare, eternity is the closet word I can ever think of to describe time. Concrete images? Sometimes there are none for what we feel. Feelings in themselves are not concrete. Love to me may be something different than love to you..then should we not write of love? |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Cheers Brads wife on...oops, where did that come from, someone took over my keyboard for a moment --My wife says hi. She has decided to spare my life but wonders deeply if she will regret it Brad, I understand what you are trying to say here, but people do use the word eternity and also forever...sometimes there are words that are beyond our grasp, --But isn't poetry, to some extent, trying to grasp the ungraspable? I'm not arguing the feeling itself (that would be silly) but I wonder if we can't explore that feeling and find something more original than, as you admit, what people use everyday? Have you seen heaven?? --No, but I'd be interested in reading a poem that describes heaven in an interesting and different way. Do you believe in it's existence? --Don't have the faintest idea if it exists or not. How do you know you love your wife? --My next poem will try to show you why I love my wife. It's called Time (just for fun). What is love anyway? --There's a thread in the philosophy forum that asks that question as well. Have you seen the wind? No? You've felt it? --Yes, I've felt it. But how do you know that's what you felt? --This is an epistemological question. I assume that what I felt is what you probably felt during a storm of a spring breeze. I can't prove it. In a poem, I try to show you what I felt but I can never know for sure. What makes us think the sky is blue just because someone said it is? --Are you arguing the word 'blue'? It is an arbitrary combination of sounds to represent what we assume we all see. If we were color blind, we would not have the variety of color words that we do. In Japanese, for example, they describe a 'go' stoplight color as blue whereas we describe it as green. Do they see the color differently? I don't think so. I think it involves the history of the language and the specific hues that 'aoi' means in Japanese. No words are ever completely exact. Sometimes everything is not black and white. --I don't even think it's gray. I think and I want to see the complete spectrum of life. What is eternity to me? Eternity is a feeling that no matter what, something is not going to end. 7 1/2 years in an abusive marrige may not be eternity, but when you're there, when you are living that nightmare, eternity is the closet word I can ever think of to describe time. --No disagreement here. I just want to move beyond that word 'eternity' and explore that feeling more closely in a poem. I really think it's been used too much and has therefore lost it's impact. It's not the difficulty that I'm trying to shy away from; it's the ability to make people feel something different that I'm shooting for. Concrete images? Sometimes there are none for what we feel. Feelings in themselves are not concrete. Love to me may be something different than love to you..then should we not write of love? I have argued that we, perhaps, shouldn't use that word anymore. It means too much to too many people. Why not concentrate on the infinite variations of the way that word is used without using that word. By being more specific about what we mean, we just might be able to enhance the experience of a reader, get him or her to look at a situation differently than they did before. I've got to stop for now. Iloveit, when are you going to join in? Brad [This message has been edited by Brad (edited 10-27-1999).] |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
Iloveit-- this is a truly wonderful piece. i generally agree with brad on the use of the word "eternal," but i have to disagree with him in this particular instance; "it seems an eternity" fits with this poem's easy, conversational voice. and as i see it, the poem is not about how time doesn't fly when you're not having fun; rather, the poem is more about the separation and detachment, the empty feeling one suffers in a lonely, hopeless relationship. elaboration on the meaning of "seems like eternity" here is not needed, in my opinion. two small things: shouldn't it be a "tarnished METAL band" (i.e., a wedding ring?) in the fourth verse, rather than a "medal band"? a tarnished medal i could see, i guess, in recognition of victory in the war for survival, but a "medal band" i just don't get. and in the last "full" verse, i would either make it: just what time was it when I [no comma] tired fighting your strangling control your ever alive suspicions, and your anger, AND just stopped? or: just what time was it when I, tired OF [or from] fighting your strangling control your ever alive suspicions, and your anger, just stopped? i prefer the second way, see what you think. anyway... congratulations on this piece, it really has a subtle power. nice work! |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I suppose I could be wrong with this particular poem. Nobody's perfect, you know. I'll think about it. |
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Ron
Administrator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-05-19
Posts 8669Michigan, US |
Why do we read poetry? Or, for that matter, fiction? Isn't one of the major reasons, maybe the major reason (maybe the only reason), to expand our lives beyond the few meager years and limited experiences life otherwise offers us. I'm not talking about knowledge (thought that's important, too), but about feelings. I will never live long enough - or fully enough - to experience all the depth of feeling available to humanity. Or, even, just to you. A writer's job is to make me feel what I haven't felt before. To teach me what that feeling encompasses. The tools we have available to us as writers, such as metaphor and simile, take advantage of what I have experienced, build upon it, and offer me the opportunity to feel and understand something new. To suggest that Brad, or any reader, can't understand a poem because he "hasn't been there" really bothers me. If poetry only reminds us of where we've been, or clarifies what we already know - it's useless. That may sound harsh, but I think it's nonetheless true. A poet's job is to communicate and teach. If that doesn't happen, it's the poet's failure, not the reader's. And the truth is, we probably fail more often than we succeed. Few poems will have the desired effect on every reader. If we simply reach "most" readers, the poem will be a success. If we reach only one, the poem still has a reason to exist. But for all those that we don't reach, the failure is ours as writers. It is never the reader's fault we didn't evoke the right images and feelings. I have never been in the kind of relationship Iloveit describes. Does that mean I can't understand the poem? Does that mean there is nothing new for me learn from these words? I don't believe I need to have experienced the relationship to understand the sense of helpless detachment she describes. I don't think I need to have experienced the domination of a spouse to understand something of the way the human spirit fights to preserve itself, even when preservation means acceptance of what cannot be accepted. I don't think I need to experience her life to understand her sense of waiting, her sense of pain masquerading as cold indifference. And I don't think Brad, or any other reader, needs to live her life in order to understand it either. Not when the writer does their job. As iloveit has. [This message has been edited by Ron (edited 10-27-1999).] |
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Iloveit Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 1121NM |
wow, ron, you sure have a way with words, thanks, for understanding and for liking the poem don't have much to say after that ....butwill clarify a couple of things, first sorry I missed the discussion, was out yesterday second, for brad, my use of "eternity" was in a broad sense I do realize, but used it to describe a feeling that has been there so long it seems to have no beginning and is so overwhelming that it seems to have no end. jenni, thanks for your suggestions too, I do like the second version, and yes it was a typo on the "medal" hoot and hugs thanks all, really enjoyed the discussion |
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Lee Benthin Junior Member
since 1999-10-28
Posts 19Marysville, WA USA |
I think I wrote this poem. No? Well I should have. I'm living it. |
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