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regretting honestly
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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regretting honestly |
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Iloveit Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 1121NM |
because she felt unbelieved she spoke the words, again, to no ones ears but her own, "I did love him... I did." but she knew she lied. it could have been any him, and she dreaded admitting it. and days, like these, she hated when something inside forced honesty. it had been so easy to live the lie, his warm embrace, his touch, soft and tender. she thought she hadn't asked too much she took no more than he was willing to give. but, how many? and she pressed her eyelids tightly to block the storm that threatened. how many will it take to fill the heartless void that is the aftermath of you? "the next one", she said firmly, "will be different. one day I will love again." she hugged her arms around her tight and softly, said it again... ------------------ ©1999 Iloveit ok, had a few problems with this one in a few spots and not sure if the idea follows through well, and, not sure if the title fits the theme, suggestions welcome  [This message has been edited by Iloveit (edited 10-18-1999).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 Iloveit - All Rights Reserved | |||
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
i'm not sure but i get the idea that this girl takes man after man in attempts to find love and tries to justify doing so by saying she loved them? i don't know. there are parts of this that i like, but it is sort of vague. |
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Iloveit Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 1121NM |
well roxanne I don't call this one vague, but subtle. Yes she has held a man in search of love, but is admitting to herself that it was to fill the emptiness and hurt inside of her more than it was for love. She has love to give and just needs the right person to give it to... |
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RainbowGirl Member Elite
since 1999-07-31
Posts 3023United Kingdom |
Iloveit: It's your own personal training wench here.. Here it comes: Doesn't matter how much love you have to give, it's finding the recipient that values YOUR LOVE that you seek...dare I say, I earnt the t-shirt? Love you my friend but save your love for someone who will appreciate and give it back - unconditionally! In the meantime, I'll hug you all you need and pray that your loving heart finds its equal and may you then love in peace! HUSG Save this, I'm in honesty mood, not quite as good as being a critique but I do care - a lot! ------------------ You give but little when you give of your possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give. |
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Iloveit Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 1121NM |
wench trainee, reporting for duty here!!! well, guess when you post your heart on critical, this sort of reply is what you get......(if you are lucky enought to have Rainbow girl pulling for you that is )and yep, you are right, the right recipient makes all the difference |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I like the fact that you put it in third person and I like the use of dialogue but (and where have you heard this before? ) I still feel you can go further. I think the 'vagueness' that Roxanne is talking about is the result of still not digging into the actual situation (or creating a different situation to represent your feelings). How about depicting the actual moment of realization that you didn't love him? The ending is close, I admit, but I think you can do more here. Why not describe the last guy in more detail -- Was he cold? Why did you feel he was only willing to give so much? Maybe add some complexity here as well. Show the character looking at someone else and being attracted to the next person but plagued by self doubt? I think you need to work on 'the heartless void/ that is the aftermath of you' -- I find it jarring and abstract. I do, however, like the last two stanzas. Just waiting for the day when I can start saying, I think you can cut some of the description. Wonder if it will ever come? Brad |
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Iloveit Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 1121NM |
ROFG@waiting for the day ...*hands the moderator a big red apple and says* that's a definate maybe lol and yes I know what you mean, I guess I put my own self in the dilema of not wanting to say too much BECAUSE I write about myself, and thus if feels too revealing to add more detail. If I wrote a poem with that much info, about me, I probably wouldn't post it. Maybe I can try what you suggested creating something different to represent *my* feelings. will definately think about it, thanks for your suggestions |
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Iloveit Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 1121NM |
ok brad, try this one and although this one has more detail and tells a better story (I hope), I like the first one better, guess my poems are my curtain.....regretting honestly because she felt unbelieved she spoke the words, again, to no ones ears but her own, "I did love him... I did." but she knew she lied. it could have been any him, and she dreaded admitting it. and days, like these, she hated when something inside forced honesty. a year ago, and she would have sworn to it, but today, the anniversary of his leaving, her reflections finally rang true. he didn't just leave, he left when he found someone new, and never looked back. this was not love. love doesn't leave, not like that. it had been so easy to give acceptance to the lie, his warm embrace, his touch, soft and tender... she thought she hadn't asked too much and she took no more than he was willing to give. his casual sexiness, and easy good looks made a perfect target for her fall. his silver tongue sought her weak spot a charmer, for sure… for all who cared to see. but what then was comfort is now one more aching regret. how many? and she closed her eyes to block the storm that threatened rain. how many will it take to fill the heartless void, that is the aftermath of a marriage and 25 years of control and anger? the price she paid for freedom, great as it was had been deceiving. the destruction was overwhelming and deep inside, she knew, she wanted more. "the next one", she said firmly, "will be different. one day I will love again." she hugged her arms around her tight and said it softly again... [This message has been edited by Iloveit (edited 10-21-1999).] [This message has been edited by Iloveit (edited 10-21-1999).] |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Iloveit....I myself like the first version of this. I am one of many that likes poetry that leaves just a bit to the imagination...of course you must first have one I guess  Your first versoin showed a lot.....hurt, betrayal. mistrust, longing, loneliness. Your second told more than showed. Poetry should show, rather than tell. |
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Iloveit Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 1121NM |
thanks hoot, yep, like the first one better too, you don't always have to have a reason to understand that someone hurts or laughs. I agree with you on poetry showing instead of telling, guess that's why I like your writing so much too |
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Julie Senior Member
since 1999-08-20
Posts 739Houston, TX |
I agree with hoot, lloveit. I think you tell just enough so that that I was able to bring on my own emotion and relate to yours. It blended very well just the last stanza kind of lost me though, it wasn't clear to me. ------------------ Julie ------------------------- Almost all our misfortunes in life come from the wrong notions we have about the things that happen to us. >Stendhal |
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Iloveit Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 1121NM |
thanks julie, that is how I intend most of my poetry, but thought I would try the other version, lets see, maybe Brad will say that's not what he meant at all lol the last stanza she is feeling vulnerable and alone, and even though stating that she is sure she is going to love again, she needs reassurance, and so hugs her ownself and repeats herself, if only for emphasis to herself. |
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merlynh Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 411deer park, wa |
Don't let them get you down too much. Small pieces are sometimes parts of a larger pieces working it's way out. Nice work. |
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Julie Senior Member
since 1999-08-20
Posts 739Houston, TX |
lloveit: Okay...that's what I thought was happening but didn't want to presume anything...good job. ------------------ Julie ------------------------- Almost all our misfortunes in life come from the wrong notions we have about the things that happen to us. >Stendhal |
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