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Walter Poe
Senior Member

since 1999-10-13

Posts 787

0 posted 1999-10-14 12:49 PM

All to one
All to true
Robots among us
Eating our food

All to one
Show us to
All here together
In gods stew

serious?
not today
here in a mood
here to play

dance with me
in a light
bounce on down
Hold on tight

Kiss 'em quick
Kiss 'em slow
roll 'em over
here we go

Walter Poe
Senior Member

since 1999-10-13

Posts 787

1 posted 1999-10-14 12:50 PM

slowly speed up while reading out loud its so good it makes me proud

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Pride of place in the human race goes to one without a trace of subtlety style or grace for this position I wish to say i would be grand all others are merely bland

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

2 posted 1999-10-14 07:04 PM

While I don't think you were being serious, it's generally not a good idea to compliment your own poem before anyone else has read it. You immediately make people from most cultures and especially yours (UK?) and mine (US) more critical than they would normally be: 'So does he really think he's that great' sort of attitude.

That said, while for a moment I thought you were shooting for a modern version of a folk song or shanty or something like that, I don't think you pulled it off very well. I would seriously consider your use of 'to' when, as far as I can tell, you mean 'too' and try for more development here. This, with a little more humor and a little more story, could be a quite humorous poem but it's not there yet.

Just a note: If you really work on the narrative here, you'll probably be able to get away from the cliched lines of the last stanza and it wouldn't remind me so much of a weak parody of the Three guys from France with swords.

Just an opinion,
Brad

Walter Poe
Senior Member

since 1999-10-13

Posts 787

3 posted 1999-10-19 12:04 PM

I don't normally compliment my own work
I just happened to like this pieces simplicity no matter where im from (Is UK)
you wan't ego check out my signature

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Pride of place in the human race goes to one without a trace,
of subtlety style ego or grace for this position, I wish to say, i would be proud as i am greater than any other face in the crowd

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

4 posted 1999-10-20 07:48 PM

I'm not worried about your ego. Huge egos seem to come with the territory of poetry. My point is that the presentation of a poem can sometimes be as important, even more important, than the poem itself.

Good luck,
Brad

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