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Critical Analysis #1
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He's Mad
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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He's Mad |
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merlynh Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 411deer park, wa |
HE'S MAD Little flowers to tie up everyone's shoes. SO THEY CAN BE HAPPY, HAPPY LITTLE DREAMERS! And tip-toe in a wonder, wonder, WONDERLAND! I CAN'T DO ANY MORE! These are empty minded sould CRYING OUT for ENTERTAMENT! Don't they know am somebody too? Who needs release like them? THAT'S WHY I WRITE IDOTS! So I haven't got it all figured. It's not easy. Oh look? A birdie. SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE! YOU MADE ME MAD! MAD! MAD! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Okay I feel better now. Who knows maybe I'll really WRITE something. something WORTH WHILE! Don't push me. I'LL GET TO IT! Everybody out there doesn't think I can? I can? YOU DON'T THINK I CAN? DON'T YOU? Why you just might be WRONG. I wrote this didn't I? SEE I CAN! I CAN! I CAN! I can *)*^&%%^$%%(*&^^()&*(&)^% help...I... fell... down... and can't get up. FOOLED YOU DIDN'T I? Thought I had writter's block. OR MAYBE YOU THINK IAM CRAZY AS A COON? Will maybe I am. But we're the KIND of people. YOU LOOK TO ENTERTAN YOU. Did I? Copyrighted 1999 by Merlyn Hearn |
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| © Copyright 1999 merlynh - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Systematic Decay Senior Member
since 1999-09-15
Posts 1301That place with padded walls and funny people in white......... |
the poem has a sense of Chaos to it...I dont think I can really critique it, as the form is free verse (i think?) and really I think free verse can't be very well critiqued ------------------ "Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage." -Billy Corgan- |
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Iloveit Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 1121NM |
will agree with SD on the chaos, and not being able to critique, but not on the free verse thing alone, free verse is a style and can offer a powerful message, but this is hard to critique because it is hard to follow, the random CAPITALIZATION is distracting and not consistant. If it were used with a reason, it could greatly add to the poem, but it just seems to be random, so my first suggestion would be to go through and decide what the maddness is and accentuate with capitals, making it clearer to the reader to follow, did like the poem, it is different  |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Recently, I posted a poem at another forum and one person there called it 'spastic'. I don't think he's read this one yet. I suspect somebody was drinking when he wrote this. I like the first line and wished you had actually gone somewhere with that but the rest seems like 'The Little Train that Could' on mushrooms. Why should the reader even care whether you can write or not? Don't bother telling me you can, show me you can. I agree with Iloveit on the caps and don't understand the spelling variations of 'entertainment'. You may have an idea here and I admit that it is an intriguing style but this poem needs some serious polishing and some careful consideration. Of course, maybe I'm missing something and wouldn't mind be enlightened but here I really don't think I am (I've written stuff quite similar to this so I think I know where you're coming from). SD, why in the world can't you critique free verse? That's like saying you can't critique a novel or an essay? Style and form are integral parts of all writing just as content is. Brad |
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merlynh Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 411deer park, wa |
Thanks Brad you have an open mind to writing. Believe me it'll get you a long ways. Well I tried to rewrite this piece several times and the more I tried the more I did releaze that it couldn't be complete. So I used a lot of it to write a story. Finishing on refining it. Turn out so great I think am going to sell it to writer's market. Thanks people. |
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Systematic Decay Senior Member
since 1999-09-15
Posts 1301That place with padded walls and funny people in white......... |
Brad: Free verse, to me, shouldn't be critiqued unless there are very obvious flaws in it, like being repetitive, when it was obviously not the writers intent to repaet a certain word for emphasis, or misspeling. Free verse is a persons style when it isn't cramped or refined by structure, and I think it should stay free without another person trying to change it so that it suits their tastes. An essay or a novel are more easily critiqued than a free verse poem, because there are structures to them that should be followed, like basic sentence and paragraph structure, and in a novel, chapters. A free verse poem, however can be written any way the writer envisions it. ------------------ "Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage." -Billy Corgan- |
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merlynh Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 411deer park, wa |
Please read,"Aapology To Passionate Forum," in "Feeling" Thank you. |
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Iloveit Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 1121NM |
merl, will do thanks for the pointer and SD I know you are addressing brad, but can I add my 2 cents? critiquing free verse is not cramping or hurting the author's style at all, it is much like when I edit one of mine. I go through and check if I used to many words to say something, simpler is usually better. I also go through and check if the idea moves through well and if a verse would be more pertinent if moved up or down in the poem. The one last thing I do is check if what I am trying to say comes through. The same can be done with any free verse poem, if you see a line that would be stronger with one or 2 less words, or a rearranging would make the idea flow better. The author can then read and decide. You are right, maybe, the author had his reasons for the order, and will then say so, but a lot of times when writing, you lose sight of the whole picture and a few helpful suggestions never hurt. well that might have been more than 2 cents, but that's how I see it, of course, I write only free verse, so it is easier for me to understand it.... |
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Systematic Decay Senior Member
since 1999-09-15
Posts 1301That place with padded walls and funny people in white......... |
Iloveit: I understand the point you are coming from. And you are right, suggestions won't hurt. But to absolutely say that something done in free verse was done wrong, I think, is really impossible, since there aren't any stiff rules in free verse. And personally, in this poem, I think that the random capitalization just adds to the feeling of chaos and madness, which may or may not have been merlyn's idea. But every reader reads a poem differently, so we will all have varying ideas on it. Personally I like this poem the way it is. ------------------ "Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage." -Billy Corgan- |
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Iloveit Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 1121NM |
ok, I see your point also, and especially with a free verse poem like this it would be difficult to critique line by line, not all free verse is the same. And I do see your point about the random captitalization. If it had been on purpose, the author would have just needed at this point to explain that, and *us* critics could have gone back and reread  I wish there was more back and forth chat between the author's and the critics. I try to leave my critiques open ended BECAUSE the author has the final say so, and my interpretation is certainly not the only one. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
SD, Well, it certainly seem Iloveit is stealing my fire here (I don't mind, the more interaction, the better I say -- and if we were having a private conversation, we shouldn't be doing it here).  However, I would add two points. One, there are no RULES in formal verse either, there are only guides. Certainly, there isn't much difference between a loosely worded metered poem and certain types of free verse. Each poem, as much as we can, should be read on its own merits, not as some reflection of a Platonic ideal (meter?) or some divine, personal expression of the author ('well, that's just how they say things'). Two, I think the fact that you and Iloveit disagree on aspects of the poem is a good thing for the author. It puts the dilemma squarely in his lap. He has to make the final decision. I sometimes wonder if some people here feel that perfect iambic pentameter is the sign of a great poem. It's not (unless it fits in well with the theme). The style must reflect or contrast the theme. Three, (didn't I say two?)giving advice or suggestions is and always has to be subjective. It's just a matter of sharing your likes and dislikes from which the writer can gain more knowledge about how the language works for other people. Language is his medium and the more he learns, the more options he can use. If it was just a matter of following rules, anybody could write great poetry, right? Brad |
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