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A whole new day erupts...
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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A whole new day erupts... |
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Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA 
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A whole new day erupts A needle with a thread-- The wind is pierced with drops Of tears November bled The leaves twirl in their flight So weak and short of breath While reaching for new height They stumble into depth Of liquid colored skies Where heaven quickly smears And echoes of their cries Roam through deserted years [This message has been edited by Master (edited 10-22-1999).] [This message has been edited by Master (edited 10-22-1999).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 Andrey Kneller - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Ohme Senior Member
since 1999-07-17
Posts 816Texas |
It's a lovely poem, Master. But for me, I need punctuation. I have a dificult time knowing exactly where each phrase begins and ends. It prevents me from following the rhythm you intended us to find. But I do like the poem very much [This message has been edited by Ohme (edited 10-13-1999).] |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
This is okay. I agree with the need for punctuation but I can see the leaves twirling around. I can't think of another poem that had 'leaves screaming' for life. Most poems I've read see 'falling leaves' as some sort of wistful, peaceful image usually intended to show an 'all is right with the world' kind of feeling. Two problems: "As needles through a thread" -- is a very strange image. I picture a needle actually trying to bread the thread into two which seems to me would be very difficult. It's usually the other around, isn't it? "Of tears November bled" -- seems you're straining your syntax to get the rhyme to match (by the way, except for this line, I thought you did the rhyme quite well; rhyme is a very difficult thing to do). Personally, think you can expand this one and make the image more specific but you have indeed created a certain feeling here. Thanks, Brad |
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Systematic Decay Senior Member
since 1999-09-15
Posts 1301That place with padded walls and funny people in white......... |
I agree with Brad and Ohme. I honestly don't see how tears can be bled... I really enjoyed the imagery, but imagery alone is not what makes the poem. ------------------ "Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage." -Billy Corgan- |
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caroline Senior Member
since 1999-08-16
Posts 1218http://members.xoom.com/belladona123/index.htm |
I think this is excellent Master. You might try "of tears November shed" and that would keep your rhyme intact. However, in my imagination, I can see the rusty-red colors of November's tears, and it is quite a haunting type of image...makes them appear "bled". I see that as fitting the overall feel of the poem, so I personally like the line as it is. Anyone who sews knows the frustration of the needle running back through the threads..LOL. It does, indeed, Brad, run the threads in two. As far as the punctuation, as I can hear the breaks as I read it. The flow supports the lack of punctuation ~~ but that is just my opinion. I rarely follow rules when I write, so I probably shouldn't throw my two cents in on that! Ya done good Master  *LOL*------------------ "Tread softly, for I have spread my dreams under your feet"~~William Butler Yeats [This message has been edited by caroline (edited 10-18-1999).] |
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Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA |
Thanks everybody! Ohme, sorry but I very rarely use punctualtion in my poetry. I guess it's just a habit to write without it. SysD, I'll have to disagree with you, sometimes imagery alone can make up a poem and a very good one. People too often try include emotions and meanings into their poems, but sometimes it's great just to read a description in a beautiful language. Brad, thanks for your critique, I'll take it into consideration. And Caroline, thanks for your comments, I'm glad you liked it! You can and I have very similar ideas about poetry. |
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rachana.s Member
since 1999-09-16
Posts 55madras,tamil nadu,India |
master, liked very much the image you created. I can understand the fallen leaves plunging to their nemisis with cries. I liked the part of twirling leaves and also the look of the winds pierced with drops of november tears. this is cool rachi |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Master..I think this is well written I highly disagree with Bard on one of the lines...if he were to read it as it is written, he would find it makes perfect sense"The winds are pierced with drops Of tears November bled" what imagery, wonderfully done although the other line does fail a bit "As needles through a thread" what about using As needles laced with thread"...to me that works Well done!! |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Ahh, people disagreeing with me and disagreeing with each other about their disagreements with me. I'm happy Two points: Caroline -- On the thread thing: Is that the image he wants to coincide with day erupting? I'll buy your argument about a needle doing that but it seems to me that it's more like splitting a thread, not 'through a thread' (although 'through a wall' would mean breaking up the wall so I think you got me ). Nevertheless, I still think that could be described more originally.To hoot -- on reading the poem. Without punctuation, it's a tough call to say where anybody should stop and start. Your phrasing is still awkward to my ear because it's in the passive voice and, as far as I can tell, all the rest of the 'sentences' are in the active voice. For me, it sticks out like a sore thumb. Why do it that way? Because of the rhyme, of course. Master, it should be a great compliment to you that people have such disagreements over your poem. It means it actually means something to them. Brad |
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Systematic Decay Senior Member
since 1999-09-15
Posts 1301That place with padded walls and funny people in white......... |
Master, imagery can make a good poem if given a subject to describe....I have noticed with some of your poetry, not so much with this one, that you tend to use so much syrupy wording that the actual meaning of the poem is lost...this may be because unless a poem really catches my eye I have a pretty short attention span, but while I love imagery, I think that when you have to dig through imagery and then whip out the magnifying glass and SEARCH for meaning, then the poem has not done its job. My suggestion is that, while your style of imagery makes for very beautiful poems, you may want tolimit it just a bit so the reader can more easily find meaning to the poem. Just MHO. ------------------ "Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage." -Billy Corgan- |
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Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA |
I guess I have a different point of view about poetry, I don't believe that every poem must have a point or a meaning to it. Some of my favorite poems are simply beautiful descriptions. If I can evoke some feeling in the reader than I believe I succeeded and there were a mixture of different feelings about this one. But thanks for responding anyway! |
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PartiStarks Junior Member
since 1999-07-31
Posts 38Brooklyn, NY |
Master, this is beautiful. I have not a clue of what picture you have painted here, but it is beautiful. What does this poem mean? |
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Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA |
Thank! This poem doesn't mean anything, if you believe it does, then that's great. I just wanted to describe one of my favorite season, Autumn. |
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Systematic Decay Senior Member
since 1999-09-15
Posts 1301That place with padded walls and funny people in white......... |
Master, if it is a poem to describe your favorite season, autumn, then it is about something: autumn. ------------------ "Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage." -Billy Corgan- |
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Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA |
I never said it was about nothing, I said it had no meaning or point to it, just a description! |
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