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Critical Analysis #1
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Iloveit
Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 1121
NM

0 posted 1999-10-12 12:51 PM



I took a trip to yesterday

by chance, a title caught my eye
and I couldn't help myself
yesterday pulled me in.
I read my own pain filled lines,
and relived each and every tear.

I cried to read
of my steps into heartache,
but today soggy tissues
are replaced with a sad smile,
and the realization
that it is a heartache,
lived through.

my poems, befriend me,
taking my pain when I no longer can.
line by line
I write the ache out of my heart
and save them away,
in poetic recess,
and wait
for another trip
...to yesterday


------------------
©1999 Iloveit


[This message has been edited by Iloveit (edited 10-13-1999).]

© Copyright 1999 Iloveit - All Rights Reserved
Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
1 posted 1999-10-12 10:31 PM


I like this one but I don't have the faintest idea why. It still seems pretty vague to me but with lines like the following:

by chance, a title caught my eye

I read my own pain filled lines

and what personally I think is very clever comma usage --
my poems, befriend me,

to allow for a number of different meanings here (I might change 'taking' to 'take' though),

you've created a sense of immediacy that really works here. Yes, I'm hearing the Beatle's song in the back of my head so I might lay off the 'yesterdays' but, all in all, I think I see what you are doing. I think this is a splendid poem (of course, it could just be me).

Good job,

Brad

Iloveit
Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 1121
NM
2 posted 1999-10-13 09:42 AM


*big smiles* glad you liked it, and yes taking could be take, and yes, there are a few too many "yesterdays", it could use just a touch of finishing, but thanks I appreciate your comments.

btw, took out one yesterday, but decided against "take". When I went to change it, it changed the meaning, "taking" is a verb showing action on the part of the poems.

[This message has been edited by Iloveit (edited 10-13-1999).]

Trevor
Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700
Canada
3 posted 1999-10-14 02:04 PM


Warm Greetings,

I'm going to have to agree with Brad about the vague part and the "yesterdays". It was an interesting read but it seemed to lack in description and flair. I don't want to be the bad guy again but I also found some of it to be cliched.
I'll break down the poem line by line to give you reasons for my opinion and to offer some suggestions for you to take or leave, that is if you feel this poem needs work.

"I took a trip to yesterday
Consider chopping off the "yesterday" in this line...a few lines in and the reader understands where the trip really was to.


"by chance, a title caught my eye
and I couldn't help myself
yesterday pulled me in.
I read my own pain filled lines,
and relived each and every tear."
Maybe something more dramatic could be used in this stanza. To me it seemed a little flat, non-descrip. and the last two lines a little cliched. I liked the third line and I thought that should be the spot where you bring into play the word "yesterday". Here's one possible suggestion to re-vamp this stanza (please remember that I don't think my re-writes are better or worse but rather just something to help inspire other ideas)
"by chance, a poem'd pain grabbed my eye
and I couldn't be helped,
yesterday pulled me in.
I read the suffering lines
and relived each worded tear"


"I cried to read
of my steps into heartache,
but today soggy tissues
are replaced with a sad smile,
and the realization
that it is a heartache,
lived through."
Not bad first couple of lines but maybe consider losing "of" on the second line. The remainder of the stanza is decent too but I thought you could re-phrase some of it to make it a little more interesting...ie. instead of "but today soggy tissues" could be "but soggy tissue todays" or "but tissue'd todays"..dunno, your call.

"my poems, befriend me,
taking my pain when I no longer can.
line by line
I write the ache out of my heart
and save them away,
in poetic recess,
and wait
for another trip
...to yesterday"
Pretty good last stanza. I'd consider omitting the "of my heart" on the third line and also trimming away the last line....let the reader think about where the trip is. Just a thought or two....anyways thanks for the read and take care,
Trevor




[This message has been edited by Trevor (edited 10-14-1999).]

Iloveit
Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 1121
NM
4 posted 1999-10-14 02:16 PM


trevor thanks for your comments, this one:

"by chance, a poem'd pain grabbed my eye
and I couldn't be helped,
yesterday pulled me in.
I read the suffering lines
and relived each worded tear"

I really liked this, it is good, makes me wish I hadn't written of it, but as of now, that verse wouldn't be *me*, my brain doesn't write that complexly, hope with the help of this forum to improve though

the other suggestions, I like and am considering a rewrite thanks

I am not sure I understand what you mean by vague, though, the reason the title caught my eye, the reason I took the trip in other words, is not the heart of the poem. Not even the reason for the pain is necessary, it is a pain gone by, that poems help me deal with my life is what I tried to get across and I think that comes across clearly


[This message has been edited by Iloveit (edited 10-14-1999).]

Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
5 posted 1999-10-14 05:39 PM


No,no,no Trevor is just plain wrong on this one (Do you have any idea how much I search for places to write that sentence?). I think he's been smoking that funny corn pipe for too long or something. Or he's spending too much time imitating Woody imitating Mark Twain.

If you look at his rewrittin stanza again, it doesn't have that same calm reflective power that yours does. Both stanzas are indeed dangerously close to a cliche (How can you write the word 'tear' and not close to an overused passage?) but here I think your stanza by flowing well fits very nicely into how the poem works for me. You don't have a perfect poem of course (who does?) but I would stick with the original style on this one. Complexity is not always better.

We both thought it was vague (Damn, we agree again. See what I mean? ) because you don't tell us what that pain is or what the poem that allows you to reflect on that pain is. "I feel your pain" comments are sound bites so how can "I feel my pain" be all that different?

Going into that much detail would, however, probably create a very different poem for both you and the reader so it just means you write a new one.

But what do I know?
Brad

Iloveit
Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 1121
NM
6 posted 1999-10-14 06:30 PM


well, ROFG@too much time imitating Woody imitating Mark Twain.

and glad I could help you out in finding a place to say trevor was wrong lolol, you 2 certainly make me smile

and yes you are right, his rewritten stanza was good, but did not fit in my poem, using his words wouldn't have made it mine anymore.
guess that's what I was trying to say by saying it was more complex than my poem, but I like the way you say it better

rachana.s
Member
since 1999-09-16
Posts 55
madras,tamil nadu,India
7 posted 1999-10-16 03:39 PM


Its good to be back after nearly a week, and I've been cursing through all the poems. I liked this one though. Most times what we write from our pain and tommorrw when we look through our yesterday, the pain that is re-lived everytime we go through it is only lessenned by the freedom of venting our thoughts into words. Some of us would be lost without this venue.

This is a nice poem.

rachi

Trevor
Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700
Canada
8 posted 1999-10-17 11:13 PM


BRAD: Are you taking those funny asprins again? Complexity becomes the simple when the majority understands....dunno just thought I'd add that last line in, just thought of it.....complex-schomplex No my rewrite doesn't suit the style of the poem but I will repeat myself once more....again....again......I don't want people to use what I write, I only suggest things to try and help the creative juices get flowing....geeeesh....and yes the tear line is a little cliched Oh and BTW I was imitating you, imitating Woody, imitating Mark Twain

llovet:
Your absolutely right about getting your message across, I think all who read this poem will understand what you are trying to say, the problem lies in how you are saying it. I don't want to sound like an ass but your saying a tremendous thing in a very plain way. Simplicity can be a great thing of beauty but also a hard thing to obtain in an original way. As far as the vague part goes I think Brad covered it in his comments. Say your pain in a way that no one else has for no one has really felt your pain or how you cope with it through poetry.

Anyways I did like the poem so get of my back-Jack Thanks and take care,
Trevor

tori
Senior Member
since 1999-06-18
Posts 520
Mechanicsville, Maryland, USA
9 posted 1999-10-18 02:58 AM


I liked it with all the yesterday's included!
Keep it the way it is...
I find it not vague at all its right to the point or should I say the place so many of us find our insperation, and tuck are emotion ...YESTERDAY, to look back upon.. sometimes in awe, sometimes in sadness... very good ......
Thinking
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If with pen in hand I've made you think
I've not wasted one drop of ink
vlh.

[This message has been edited by tori (edited 10-18-1999).]

Iloveit
Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 1121
NM
10 posted 1999-10-18 11:18 AM


thanks rachana and tori

and trevor and brad, I do really appreciate your comments. I know that I do write plainly, but I like the way trevor distinguishes the difference in plain and uniquely plain ...I only recently started writing poetry again, after a long absence and so feel like I am lacking in ability, compared to some, but you both make me want to try harder to make my poetry better....and that is a good thing..I think lol

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