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Lost Dreamer
Member Elite

since 1999-06-20

Posts 2464
Somewhere near the Rainbow

0 posted 1999-10-09 02:59 PM

I'm Here...

I'm here...
Cold, wet, and sad.
Your here...
In your Sunday best
looking radiant,
and peaceful.

Why am I here?...
It's way to soon,
we never hugged good-bye.
Why are you here?...
You had so much
more to do,
so much love to share.

How do I carry on here?...
Without your boosts
of confidence,
without your cheerful
greeting everyday,
without my cherished friend
to walk beside me.

Can you visit here?...
With angel wings
to hover next to me,
with a soft touch
to let me know your here,
with guidance
when I'm feeling lost.

I'm here...
Cold, wet tears
occupying my face.
The final good-bye,
the completion
of your circle of life.

doreen peri
Member Elite

since 1999-05-25

Posts 3812
Virginia

1 posted 1999-10-09 04:11 PM

Well, LD, nice to see you posting here in Critical Analysis. Since you personally asked me to give you an honest critique, I will. I have to tell you that I'm inclined to offer indepth critiques, so hopefully you won't think i'm trying to tear this up too much. Just want to respond honestly and with some ideas for how you might make this better.

Ok, here goes. First off, I think that you use the word "here" repeatedly and instead of adding to the poem, it takes away from it because it's overkill and unnecessary. NOw, I'll take it line by line.

I'm here...
Cold, wet, and sad. (lower case c, same sentence)
Your here... (instead how about: And you)
In your Sunday best (lower case i, same sentence)
looking radiant, (no comma)
and peaceful.

Why am I here?... (I would eliminate this line. It's superfluous)
It's way to soon, (semi-colon or end the sentence and start a new one)
we never hugged good-bye.
Why are you here?... (again, this line is unnecessary)
You had so much
more to do,
so much love to share. (This is VERY nice, LD. Very succinct way to phrase it)

How do I carry on here?... (how about: How can I carry on...and eliminate the question mark because the question continues on the next line)
Without your boosts (lower case w)
of confidence,
without your cheerful
greeting everyday,
without my cherished friend
to walk beside me. (put the question mark here. It is the end of the question)

Can you visit here?... (eliminate question mark)
With angel wings (lower case w, sentence continues)
to hover next to me, (no comma)
with a soft touch
to let me know your here, ("you're" as in "you are".... no comma, sentence continues)
with guidance
when I'm feeling lost. (add question mark... this is the end of the question)

I'm here... (good !)
Cold, wet tears (lower case c, it's still the same sentence)
occupying my face. (do tears occupy a face? how about "enveloping my face" or even "replace my face"... that's an interesting image)
The final good-bye, (how about "Our final good-bye" , hyphen or semi-colon at end of line)
the completion
of your circle of life.

Ok, LD, that's tearing it up a bit, line by line, but let's see what it would read like if you took all of my suggestions, k?

I'm here...
cold, wet and sad.
And you
in your Sunday best
looking radiant
and peaceful.

It's way to soon.
We never hugged good-bye.
You had so much
more to do,
so much love to share.

How can I carry on
without your boosts
of confidence,
without your cheerful
greeting everyday,
without my cherished friend
to walk beside me?

Can you visit here
with angel wings
to hover next to me
with a soft touch
to let me know you're here
when I'm feeling lost?

I'm here...
cold, wet tears
replace my face
Our final good-bye--
the completion
of your circle of life.

------------------------------

Well, what did you think? Do YOU think it helped the poem?

As far as content, this is absolutely wonderful. You have clearly lost a dear friend to death and your imagery tells the story well and relays the sadness associated with it.

If you work more on editing to say what you have to say in the most concise and succinct way with the best words you can choose, then tweak the structure, spelling and punctuation, you're poems will sing louder and speak your truth more clearly.

Thank you for asking me to critique this poem for you, Gloria. It is a find poem, but it could be an even better poem, IMHO. Let me know what you think of my comments.

dp

Iloveit
Senior Member

since 1999-09-02

Posts 1121
NM

2 posted 1999-10-13 10:52 AM

great critique doreen, I think with the minor touch ups you worked on this became even clearer and more touching.

It is really good, made tears well up as I remembered my friend and love who died last year, and I still miss...a lot...you captured it well with your words

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