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Mind Still Focused
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Mind Still Focused |
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Lost Dreamer Member Elite
since 1999-06-20
Posts 2464Somewhere near the Rainbow 
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Mind Still Focused Steering wheel in hand eyes fixated on path mind focused to every detail. Detour ahead mind still focused. Knows route so well nothing can distract. Someone right behind wants to pass you car coming other way. Slowing down bump in road no more street lights on your own. Dark, and dreary tree lined streets. Mind still focused. Can't retreat now halfway there. Large creature entering road brakes applied no where to go. Bridge ahead must pay toll no change found empty purse. Turn around find alternate route. Mind still focused. Back to center long way around. Snow starts falling whitening ground. Four wheel drive will get through cars stuck everywhere. Glistening branches ready to break. Up, up, up have to go no other way. Mind still focused Whiteout on top of hill can't see other side. Nearing destination five miles left to go. Tree uprooted sitting on house. Roads slippery needs some sand. Two miles left seeing headlights, there to close over yellow line on my side. ---------------------------------- Now I am gonna place my revised version that I did after reading the response to my other poem, for now I know I made some of the same mistakes with this one. Feel free to critique both if you wish. I am just trying to learn here. (Thanks) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Mind Still Focused (revised) Steering wheel in hand eyes fixated on path mind focused to every detail. Detour ahead knows route so well nothing can distract. Someone right behind wants to pass you car coming other way. Slowing down bump in road no more street lights on your own. Dark, and dreary tree lined streets. Can't retreat now halfway there; large creature entering road brakes applied no where to go. Bridge ahead must pay toll no change found empty purse. Turn around find alternate route. Back to center long way around; snow starts falling whitening ground. (Mind still focused) Four wheel drive will get through cars stuck everywhere. Glistening branches ready to break. Up, up, up have to go no other way. Whiteout on top of hill can't see other side. Nearing destination five miles left to go. Tree uprooted sitting on house; roads slippery needs some sand. Two miles left seeing headlights, there to close over yellow line on my side. [This message has been edited by Lost Dreamer (edited 10-10-1999).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 RiaL - All Rights Reserved | |||
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merlynh Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 411deer park, wa |
Sounds like you live in Deer Park, Washington too. Learning to drive in the snow is not fun. Nice poem. |
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Lost Dreamer Member Elite
since 1999-06-20
Posts 2464Somewhere near the Rainbow |
merlynh, thanks for your reply, actually this poem is about a person who stay's on task no matter what obstacles get in her way. I admire the talent this person has, and this was the way I decided to describe it at the time I was thinking about it. |
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Iloveit Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 1121NM |
ok, using your description of what this is about I reread and can see what you are trying to say, but to me the ending verse just doesn't pull it all together. I know being focused and never giving up doesn't garantee that you will reach your goal, but I find a pair of head lights coming towards you an odd way to end this, it just doesn't pull the meaning to me, it sort of leaves me questioning and wanting to reread and see what I missed...... |
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Lost Dreamer Member Elite
since 1999-06-20
Posts 2464Somewhere near the Rainbow |
lloveit, Thank you for reading this through and telling me your thoughts. I see what you are saying and will work on improving that part. I think by the time I got to the end of this one I lost focus to the topic at hand, I got more into the illusion of all the obstacles. Then I left it with a cliff hanger which I agree does not fit what I was intially writing about. I really appreciate your input, thanks again. |
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