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Roger Leewright
Junior Member

since 1999-09-25

Posts 28
Beaverton, OR.USA

0 posted 1999-10-07 11:06 AM

(I posted this in p3, but wanted some comments, I have only posted in p3 before, thought I would give this a try??)I’ve Just been told

I’ve just been told, the words "goodbye",
The word trembles from my lips, "why"
She says "it’s her and is not me",
I do not understand, no I do not see.

In my memory, there is no indication,
That I would end up in this situation.
The pain that I feel is beyond compare,
She caught me off guard, so unaware.

Promises exchanged, only to be broken,
The words "I love you" just a small token.
Plans that we’ve made, just fade to dreams,
Only hurt feelings are left it seems.

So out on my own, I guess I must travel,
Our marriage is over with the sound of the gavel.
I want to find love, I want to have romance,
But will my heart allow me, just one more chance?

Systematic Decay
Senior Member

since 1999-09-15

Posts 1301
That place with padded walls and funny people in white.........

1 posted 1999-10-07 02:24 PM

Good poem......but I thought some of the lines were overly long by maybe just a syllable or two....like the last 2 lines in the first stanza

------------------
"Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage."
-Billy Corgan-

Iloveit
Senior Member

since 1999-09-02

Posts 1121
NM

2 posted 1999-10-07 03:07 PM

yep, agree with SD, like the poem it reads well, till the last 2, you could leave out "to have" and just say "I want to find love, I want romance,"
and leave out "me" to read "But will my heart allow just one more chance?"

doesn't change anthing just reads a little better....good poem

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

3 posted 1999-10-07 04:11 PM

I like the first two lines but there's a lot more potential here than you think, I think. I should point out that I wrote a poem on a similar theme (and used quotes) -- you might want to read it (if only to take shots at me)

She says 'It's her and not me'

--I doubt very much if she said that. She might have said 'It's me, not you' but she wouldn't use those pronouns. I like the quote style but make sure they sound like somebody actually said it.

I do not understand, no I do not see.

--You drop the quotes but say the same thing twice -- sounds like your trying to fit your words to the form. Control the form, don't be controlled by the form.

In the second stanza, you talk about memories but don't show us what those memories are. Do you have any scenes you can share with us? What was the character's view of the relationship before the current situation.

In the third stanza, you talk about promises and dreams for the future but the tension would be heightened if you told us or gave us what those dreams actually were. Maybe give us a possible future that was, well, quite satisfying only to be shattered by a quote from 'her'.

So out on my own, I guess I must travel

--Doesn't sound very 'hurt' to me. Oh, well, life goes on. Again, (actually, I think you let the form dictate this whole stanza) not criticizing the feeling but certainly some people would read it as flippant.

The 'sound of the gavel' -- I like this, just wish maybe you ended the poem here.

The last two lines, as has aready been mentioned, need to be reworked, but I think they should be dropped. You don't need them.

How does the couplet rhyme scheme enhance your poem (It is generally used in comic poems today)? I would drop it and worry more about the imagery.

Try to show the reader what happened (or what you saw in your head; it makes no difference to me) instead of telling us. Make the poem more immediate.

Unfortunately, you have a character wallowing over losing a wife but you don't give any hint over how that might be possible. One idea would be to show some subtle hints of his personality, some trace that he was -- I don't know -- boring? Or sef centered? Or insensitive? Personally, I've found that most people who call themselves 'sensitive' are quite 'insensitive' to the feelings of others (and, yes, I wonder if I number among them at the moment

)

Anyway, hope you find the time to give this another go,
Brad

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