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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Littlewings Member
since 1999-09-19
Posts 62 |
Too much to give I cant understand The days never end The sky keeps turning pasty blue The sun never sets I get no rest Morning glorys bloom all day I just want to fade away... into a background of real tears. Cry bitter honesty ,cry blossoming tears. Nothing comes out of my tired mouth. my muffled noises are smooth as a dream. It aches like soft wind all of the time. It makes me want to close my eyes. And lay my tired head down on a hard wooden desk. I just want to hold someones hand. It hurts to be alone. |
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Iloveit Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 1121NM |
ok, i understand what you are trying to say, but think a few things need to be clearer. the first 6 lines work well with the title, with the exception of the word "pasty", never seen a pasty blue sky, so for me that word could be left out the next 3 I am not sure of, think the poem would be better without them the next 3 I like just as is the next 2... well the "muffled noises" one is a repeat of nothing coming out of your mouth and could be left out. and the "aches like a soft wind", I think I know what you mean, a soft wind is ever present, but not bothering, but the ache you describe seems more powerful than that to me, ok, just reread, and thought of something I would qualify your "ache" by moving the last line "it hurts to be alone" to before "my muffled noises" (and still work on that line a bit) and then repeating the title at the end. one last thing, check your punctuation, a period is not needed at the end of each line, only put one when a thought is finished..... I think you have a good start, just need to work on it a bit  using your words, and only adding one or 2 of mine lol, Too much to give, I can't understand these days never end the sky keeps turning blue, but the sun never sets. I get no rest. I cry with bitter honesty, I cry blossoming tears. Nothing comes out of my tired mouth. It hurts to be alone. It aches like a soft wind...never ceasing. It makes me want to close my eyes and lay my tired head down. I just want to hold someone's hand, It hurts to be alone. [This message has been edited by Iloveit (edited 10-06-1999).] |
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merlynh Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 411deer park, wa |
I understand your message. Don't fight it so much. It doesn't have to be right, the way you want it to be. Try something different. Have fun once in a while. Stay away from the Boo Hoo. Find different voices and other worlds. Your not alone. you just like to write. |
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