»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
She is Here
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
She is Here |
|
|
johnt300 Member
since 1999-09-12
Posts 214san diego, ca. |
Hi all, I believe this was the first poem I posted here. Please let me know anything that you think might help it. Thanks a lot. Take care. Tyson She is Here I once cherished her, soft auburn hair, Her remoteness around me, quietly, Circling about me, reaching in, Fond kiss to the soul, Without a touch, Without a trace. A still thread broken, A falling of Long shelved emotion, And explosions of bright spreading Soft light around us, Though she was blind to it. An unanswered passion so deep, A love lost to never capture, A lost girl in the firefight of life. Long ago, when we were young, We voiced our love for the other, I to her... Yet her to me, A crescendo of fragile lies, Foundations so deep, long ago ties That I could not see, Nor understand. A faded past of a fading bright star, My once true love, Wandering in and out, Of this loud bellowing soul. A soul mate, Once and always, Forever lost, In a billowing sky of clouds, To never reach land, again. |
||
| © Copyright 1999 johnt300 - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I'm not really sure what to say here. You've got some interesting images but the movement of the poem is unclear to me. Don't get me wrong. I love contradictions in a poem but I don't quite see how they work. I to her . . . Yet her to me and Once and always Forever lost and a few others just don't make any sense from where I stand. On the one hand, you seem to want to stress the real, true love but on the other, you seem to want to distance it. You have 'firefight', 'faded star' and 'billowing clouds' -- I wonder if you might try to develop just one of these ideas and see where it goes. It seems you've lost someone and yet trying to deal with that passing yet still feel that she is 'here'. It seems to be both a comfort and torture to the character. I might want to bring that out more. I don't not like this poem but it is a bit too ethereal for my taste. I'm surprised however that no one else has commented yet. Some people really like this type of stuff. Just an opinion, Brad |
||
|
rachana.s Member
since 1999-09-16
Posts 55madras,tamil nadu,India |
brad, "I don't not like this poem but it is a bit too ethereal for my taste. I'm surprised however that no one else has commented yet. Some people really like this type of stuff." YOU KNOW SOMETHING BRAD, YOU ARE A REAL STICK IN THE MUD (HE!HE!HE! NO HURT INTENDED)so what if some of us lime "this type of stuff". After practicalities of the real world, poems like these are welcome. tyson, Are you trying to imply that the "she" here did not love you the way you love her or what? I'm a little lost on those contradictiions that brad mentioned. I once cherished her, soft auburn hair, Her remoteness around me, quietly, Circling about me, reaching in, Fond kiss to the soul, Without a touch, Without a trace. what are you trying to convey? you first say that she is reaching you and then say "without a touch, without a trace". Well is she there or not? I to her... Yet her to me, A crescendo of fragile lies, Are you implying that what she said to you were lies? A soul mate, Once and always, Forever lost, I changed the puntuation of this as I thought it means. A soul mate once and always forever lost, your imagery is commendable but you are not clearly coming through in your meaning. rachi [This message has been edited by rachana.s (edited 10-07-1999).] |
||
|
hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Tyson, I for one love this piece. Call me ethereal I guess becuase this one strikes a cord with me. As far as contradictions go, love itself is often a contradiction in itself. You are saying that "She is here"...otherwise, she is actually gone, but part of her will always remain with you...nice! "Her remoteness around me, quietly, Circling about me, reaching in, Fond kiss to the soul, Without a touch, Without a trace." Otherwise...her memory is close by, but she isn't there where you can touch her in reality...good lines. "We voiced our love for the other, I to her... Yet her to me, A crescendo of fragile lies,"....you pledged your love to her with all your heart...she pledged to you only in lies, promises of love never to come true. I'm not sure why the others have a problem understanding this as I think it makes itself quite clear. The imagery is wonderful. Nice job!! |
||
|
caroline Senior Member
since 1999-08-16
Posts 1218http://members.xoom.com/belladona123/index.htm |
You nailed it Hoot  'Tis quite clear to me, also. I thought it an excellent piece of work, Tyson. I saw it the same way Ruth did.------------------ "Tread softly, for I have spread my dreams under your feet"~~William Butler Yeats |
||
|
rachana.s Member
since 1999-09-16
Posts 55madras,tamil nadu,India |
hey guys, I think I did not make myself clear, I sure got the point too but still I found certain lines would have sounded different if written differently. The way they were written, would to me, have ordinarily, risen the questions that I put up. rachi |
||
|
johnt300 Member
since 1999-09-12
Posts 214san diego, ca. |
Hi all, My internet access is somewhat back to normal so I am able to reply finally. Thank you for all of your input. It is great to know how my poetry reads. Thanks again. Tyson |
||
|
Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Okay, okay, this one has been bothering me. The question for me is how far do you allow sympathy for the author, how much do you let the author get away with writing that seems incoherent (I could be wrong of course) and let the 'feeling' of the poem determine your judgement. I really do think there are some problems here. Other people disagree which is fine but I also suspect that they didn't read it very closely. If they did, I'd be more than happy to debate.  She is Here I once cherished her, soft auburn hair, --This is the only description that you give the reader. Furthermore, the comma between her and soft immediately causes problems. Are you attempting to present both "I cherish her" and "I cherish her soft auburn hair"? If so, I like it but this is all you give us in terms of any description. This makes the hair and only the hair stand out in terms of her physical characteristics. Why is this? Without further development I am left with a bizaare image of a fetishist. I don't think that's what you want (maybe?). It's actually a good start; I just wish you would have continued. Her remoteness around me, quietly, Circling about me, reaching in, Fond kiss to the soul, --This is okay. I have problems with the word 'soul' in poems because I think it's overused and think that it could be easily replaced with a more descriptive word. It's a very powerful word that has lost its impact on me because so many people use it. Without a touch, Without a trace. --Now what do we do with this? You've already said it was a kiss of the 'soul' and to my knowledge, you can't physically kiss a soul. This means, as far as I can tell, that you are already in the metaphorical realm. If so, why do you need these two lines? On a certain level, you were 'touched.' On a certain level, there has to be a trace or there wouldn't be a memory. I guess you're talking about the physical realm now but we already know that she kissed the 'soul' not your physical self. Is this for emphasis? I find it more confusing whether out of another double image or contrast. If it's another attempt at a double image, you need to make the context clearer from the above lines that she did kiss you physically. If it's for contrast, I think you need to develop that before you end the first stanza. I get the feeling that you didn't feel 'kiss my soul' was strong enough and that you wanted to add something here. I would rework the whole image so that these two lines are rendered unnecessary. A still thread broken, A falling of Long shelved emotion, And explosions of bright spreading Soft light around us, --I like this part but would prefer to have a little more background. Though she was blind to it. --Again, you've ended a stanza with an image that's hard to see. Is she really blind? Is this again metaphorical? You see the light but she does not. You feel something but she does not. I would try to emphasize the speaker's perception more. Otherwise, I think it reads like your projecting your own emotions as reality and complaining that she doesn't concur. I think somebody called this cognitive centrism somewhere. An unanswered passion so deep, A love lost to never capture, A lost girl in the firefight of life. --The first two lines don't add much to what we already know. The third line here is tantalizing but doesn't quite pull it off. I think you need to show us why the speaker calls it 'the firefight of life'. Long ago, when we were young, We voiced our love for the other, I to her... Yet her to me, -- You've placed 'her' in the subject position of the sentence. This actually kind of works if you're trying to show, not the woman herself, but the projection of your feelings upon this woman. If this is the case, I think it is brilliant but would really like it developed. A crescendo of fragile lies, Foundations so deep, long ago ties That I could not see, Nor understand. --Good reversal here. She's blind and then you're blind (which time wise also seems reversed). However, it doesn't fit with the projection theme that you've almost got going. You're trying to give a background to her lies that were made in the past. But how does the speaker know they were lies at that time? Maybe she changed her mind? Now, if you were intending to contrast her fleeting feelings with your (I mean the speaker of course) 'true and permanent love', you've set up other problems with the rest of the poem. Some of these problems might be solved if you develop a clearer image of the situation around this. A faded past of a fading bright star, My once true love, --See what I mean? 'Once true love' implies that you no longer love her. I got very confused right around here. Wandering in and out, Of this loud bellowing soul. --Again, the idea of permanence must be addressed. Can't help but wonder if 'memory' is a better word than 'soul'. A soul mate, Once and always, Forever lost, --What does soul mate mean to you? How does 'once and always' fit in with 'wandering in and out'? 'Forever lost' may mean she's dead; it may mean the relationship is over; hard to judge here. On the other hand, the whole poem becomes one big hyperbole; I would consider understatement to render your feelings and ideas in a more powerful way. In a billowing sky of clouds, To never reach land, again. --The image of death again. Or, do you see her face in cloud formations and she's just gone from your life? If she's dead, do you resent the death? Did she commit suicide? I think your writing around what you're trying to say. All in all, I don't think it's that bad a poem but I do think you're trying to put too much into the length you've allowed yourself. I'd really start working on vocabulary choices here: You use 'soul' three times. 'fond kiss' -- seems odd when you move into such powerful images later. 'Love lost' and 'lost girl' seems repetitive. You use 'lost' three times. You use 'love' three times. You use 'long' two times. I hope this doesn't come off too harsh but I really would like to see a second version. Brad |
||
|
hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Brad, Tyson asked me to reply to your reply here as he is for some reason locked out of this site. He regrets not commenting in person.This is what he says: "There will not be a second version. I am very happy with the first version. Also, thanks for the criticism, but we are simply from two very different camps of writing poetry, but hey, that's O.K., right?" [This message has been edited by hoot_owl_rn (edited 10-21-1999).] |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||