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Critical Analysis #1
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Systematic Decay
Senior Member
since 1999-09-15
Posts 1301
That place with padded walls and funny people in white.........

0 posted 1999-10-01 10:38 PM


This one is one that i think COULD be good if I did alot of work on it....hopefully people in here can help me and suggest some titles i think the last 2 stanzas are the worst....

There is something bad inside of me
It rises up from deep within
Adds a touch of fury to my glee
Puts a shadow on my grin

Where I should have feelings, there's just an abyss
A big black hole that only consumes
I was always aware of something amiss
A decaying stench masked with perfume

It hides far down, in the pit of my gut
This bad part of me is already dead
It opens up wide when I want it to shut
And everyone tells me its all in my head

I know for a fact this thing is real
Its destroyed my ability to feel

------------------
"Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage."
-Billy Corgan-

© Copyright 1999 Systematic Decay - All Rights Reserved
Trevor
Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700
Canada
1 posted 1999-10-02 01:56 AM


O.k here is my opinions/thoughts/feelings/words/sentences towards your poem.


"There is something bad inside of me"
Pretty non-descriptive line....perhaps consider changing "bad", it lacks zip.

"It rises up from deep within"
Once again, the same as above, consider changing "rises" and/or "deep" especially considering the next line has "fury" in it...so does it rise like bread or does it beddle or povorts (Those two words mean nothing, I just made up those words as an example of the almost limitless choices you have to describe something)

"Adds a touch of fury to my glee"
I'm sure you can probably think of a better word then glee.

"Puts a shadow on my grin"
Shadow is on the top ten list of overused words in poetry, however I do like the use of it with the description of a grin.

"Where I should have feelings, there's just an abyss"
Abyss is also on that list, along with chasm and black hole and unfortunately I didn't think this line pulled it off like the shadow line.

"A big black hole that only consumes"
Refer to the above comment.

"I was always aware of something amiss"
Pretty decent line.

"A decaying stench masked with perfume"
What does decaying smell like? What kind of perfume, what did it smell like?

"It hides far down, in the pit of my gut"
Where is far down? "pit of my gut" is kind of a dull line and clunky too.

"This bad part of me is already dead"
Is bad like yeuckyyy or goeey? Consider trying to be more descriptive.

"It opens up wide when I want it to shut"
Pretty plain line.

"And everyone tells me its all in my head"
Pretty good line...can't see anything wrong with it.

"I know for a fact this thing is real
Its destroyed my ability to feel"
Really awkward ending, sounded clunky when I read it. But the word use was pretty decent and I like the concept of these two lines, it kind of wraps up the poem alright.

Now about your quote....

"Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage."
-Billy Corgan-"
If you are considering writing then perhaps you should change this quote to one of your own....if you are a writer then write a maxim of your own....something that says...."I am Systematic Decay...hear me roar...let me inspire you for I am a writer of words and a provoker of thought!!"
This has been an opinion brought to you by the good people at TREVOR DAVIS, the company that cares about lonely housewives wives....a lot Thanks for the read and take care,
Trevor


Systematic Decay
Senior Member
since 1999-09-15
Posts 1301
That place with padded walls and funny people in white.........
2 posted 1999-10-02 03:24 AM


Thanks for your reply......i appreciate the coments about my poem, I know it was kind of bad......

The reason I chose the quite was that it describes me perfectly. I couldn't have put it better myself.

Beside that...I don't roar

------------------
"Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage."
-Billy Corgan-

suicidal dreams
Member
since 1999-09-28
Posts 343
Toledo Ohio USA
3 posted 1999-10-02 03:27 AM


um as a friend of systematic's I can understand thispoem perfectly and it is great.
Trevor
Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700
Canada
4 posted 1999-10-02 09:12 PM


Suicidal Dreams,
I'm sure Systematic Decay....gosh you folks need shorter names....my fingers are starting to cramp just from writing your names....what I was going to say is, I'm sure he/she is appreciative of your patronage, however, do you think patting him/her on the back is going to help his/her writing? Don't get me wrong here, you may think it's a great poem and there is nothing wrong with that, in a way I think it is a great poem, but to tell me you can't find one thing you think needs improving is very hard to believe. Back patting is very detremental to the progession of one's writing. Maybe you could show your friendship to Systematic Decay by giving a more indepth critique of his/her poem, you would be that person a better favor. Just my opinion, thanks and take care.

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