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Lynn
Member

since 1999-09-20

Posts 316
Jasper, Alabama U.S.A.

0 posted 1999-10-01 04:32 PM

What I Remember

I remember riding in a seperate car,

and that being too far.

I remember us getting out to say good-bye,

and like always, I started to cry.

I remember it was raining, but we didn't care.

because not saying good-bye, neither could bare.

I also remember the kiss,

something I will surely miss,

Until the next time we say

Good-bye.

------------------

"I Believe we are divine by nature." -Jewel

"Some people react physically to the magic of poetry, to the moments, that is, of authentic revelation, of the communication, the sharing, at its highest level....A good poem is a contribution to reality. The world is never the same once a good poem has been added to it. A good poem helps to change the shape and significance of the universe, helps to extend everyone's knowledge of himself and the world around him." -Dylan Thomas (1913-1953)

[This message has been edited by Lynn (edited 10-01-1999).]

[This message has been edited by Lynn (edited 10-02-1999).]

Trevor
Senior Member

since 1999-08-12

Posts 700
Canada

1 posted 1999-10-02 01:32 AM

I'd first like to say that I hope you don't take offense to my comments, these are but my opinions on your poem.

"to" should be spelled "too" in that context on line two...so many twwoooo's, kinda spooking me out

The poem is wanting in depth....there's no real meat to it and the rhyme has too much of a greeting card flavor. Perhaps elaborate and try not to use such a simple rhyming scheme or consider switching formats, maybe free verse. I think it would be interesting to read if you expanded it, the last kiss of two lovers saying goodbye, always a good topic if made refreshingly original. Well anyways, it's just my opinion. Thank you for the read and take care,
Trevor

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

2 posted 1999-10-02 09:36 AM

This is a different take than from what Trever saw, but here are my thoughts:

[except I agree about the "to" part]

This comes across to me as a poem about divorce, and you are speaking from the child's perspective. Having to drive far to meet a mom or dad, having to say goodbye until the next time, wanting the kiss or hug to last forever, and the thought of being torn away too much for a young child.

I'm most likely off the mark, but this is what first came to my mind.

Also, some poems are meant to be stark, and the few words should have great impact. So, a different view, a different opinion. Looking forward to more.

------------------
Sunshine
Look, then, into thine heart, and write ~~~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Lynn
Member

since 1999-09-20

Posts 316
Jasper, Alabama U.S.A.

3 posted 1999-10-02 01:30 PM

Trevor....I don't take anyone's comments in offence. And also, I havea big dificulty with the word "to" and "too" I always end up using the wrong one. I am planning on trying to redoe this poem.

Sunshine....I thank God every day that my parents are not divorced. They have been together for about 23 years now. I actually wrote this poem about a night with my boyfriend, who is now my ex. When we said good-night we seldom got to have that good-night kiss, because of my brother. But on this particular night we got to have that kiss, and it touched me deeply. I have another version of this poem, but it has been put up somewhere nd I have et to find it.

Thank you both for your comments..... If I ever find the other version, I will be sure topost it.

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