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Critical Analysis #1
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Littlewings
Member
since 1999-09-19
Posts 62


0 posted 1999-09-29 11:28 AM


The day you were born
the earth cried out and
stars shown a glassy brilliance
and not a soul on earth did mourn
on the day that you were born.

© Copyright 1999 Littlewings - All Rights Reserved
Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
1 posted 1999-10-06 09:38 PM


Is this a religious poem? I don't think the repetition in the first and last lines work very well. The shorter the piece, the more each word must have its own individual impact.

I feel like your teasing me with something much bigger. Why not explore it more?

'And not a soul on earth did mourn' -- is an awfully strong thing to say but I'm never big on hyperbole; I really think it has the opposite effect on the reader; it weakens, not strengthens, what you are trying to say.

Just an opinion,
Brad

Trevor
Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700
Canada
2 posted 1999-10-06 10:20 PM


I'm going to have to agree with Brad on this one and also say that before the poem even began to draw me in it was over....it had a feeling of incompleteness. If it is religious and about Jesus then maybe elaboration is in order, thanks for the read and take care,
Trevor

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