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Critical Analysis #1
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Vicki
New Member
since 1999-09-29
Posts 3


0 posted 1999-09-29 03:49 AM


All the things I've wanted to say to you never seem to find their way out.
All of the hopes and dreams that I have in my life, I want to include you in every one of them.
The feelings of love that fills my heart, ties you into my every thought.
Somehow no matter what you say it brings more meaning to my life.
Your voice lights the way for me to get out of the endless tunnels of questions that I have, and yet never answering the questions I really want to know the answers to.
I lie awake at night with you by my side to keep me warm, and all I can think of is how to tell you I never want you to leave.
Still trapped in my mind are the three words I try so hard to say.
Trying to tell you how much I love your smile, the way you listen to what I have to say, that look in your eyes when you get a happy thought.
When your hand touches mine I feel like melting into your arms always to be protected.
The coldness you say that I have in my heart was frozen before I met you.
If I could only find a way to say all those things I've wanted to say.
To express the love I feel for you each and every day.

© Copyright 1999 Vicki - All Rights Reserved
Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
1 posted 1999-10-06 09:30 PM


I definitely like some of phrasing here. Especially the references to questions that get answered but not really part and that you are comfortable with this. But I think this is a rough draft of a poem yet to be written.

I would drop the last two lines; I think there's a shift in style that's not needed here.

In one line, you are melting but in the next few lines you are still frozen. You might want to think about reworking that part and be careful with 'frozen' because of a similar word that has obvious humorous echoes and I don't think you want that here.

Just an opinion,
Brad

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