A dream last night - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

Critical Analysis #1

A dream last night

king21
New Member

since 1999-09-28

Posts 1
singapore

0 posted 1999-09-28 01:18 PM

I cried in a dream last night.
Visions of a petite lady cradling her young so tenderly,
her suckling child lay snugly within the hammock of her arms,
delighted by his mother's humming of tunes of melody.

I cried in a dream last night.
Flashes of a stout man slogging in the heat,
trickles of perspiration tumbling down his collar,
yet not a step of regret lay at his aching feet.

I cried in a dream last night.
Saw a sick child, cyanosed, pale and clammy,
his mother overflowing with anxiety,
ever whispering prayers to heaven softly.

I cried in a dream last night.
A little rascal's mischief left neighbours sore,
father, cane in fist, reprimands with bitter force.
Upon each slash, father's heart hurts yet even more.

I cried in a dream last night.
A 'child' and his luggage stands by the patio bidding goodbye.
Elderly parents' hopes and life pinned upon his shoulders,
the 'child' who stands tall and erect dons a dandy blue suit and matching tie.

I cried in a dream last night.
struck like a bolt of lightning, I realised the cause which the dreams were to serve,
for it was my life, which I envisioned but failed to cherish,
a life which sprouted entirely from both my parents love.

I cried long and bitterly when I woke up last night.
across seasons and years, I have been blind to their unconditional love,
Filial and obligingly grateful I ought to be,
for it is my parents who have moulded my existence since birth.

Systematic Decay
Senior Member

since 1999-09-15

Posts 1301
That place with padded walls and funny people in white.........

1 posted 1999-09-28 05:12 PM

Ok, I saw a few problems with this poem. First, and most obviously, it seems that at first it was a rhyming poem, then in ceratin stanzas it didn't rhyme. Also the Rythm was very choppy, I think the ideas in this poem could be better expressed in free verse style.

I liked the repetive first lines, and the concept of the poem, I just suggest either redoing it so that the rythm is smoother and it rhymes better, or rewrite it in free verse.

Just a suggestion.

------------------
"Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage."
-Billy Corgan-

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.