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Critical Analysis #1
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Jeffy
New Member
since 1999-09-25
Posts 2
Devon, PA, US

0 posted 1999-09-26 01:38 AM


I'm just stareing at a screen blank with words

Life has no meaning

What i'm saying may sound sound strange to you

But not to me

What I am saying is willing and free

Life is hard for you and me

But thoe it is strange we will come through

All together me and you

© Copyright 1999 Jeffy - All Rights Reserved
Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
1 posted 1999-09-26 11:16 PM


Please don't take what I'm about to say in the wrong way; it is meant to encourage you to explore writing and your ideas more carefully and thouroughly. For me, this is the beginning of an idea, not a fully crafted poem as yet.

I'm just stareing at a screen blank with words

--Watch the spelling errors or typos (we all do them but that's not really an excuse in a poem). 'screen blank with words' -- I don't understand what you mean here. If it's blank, there are no words.

Life has no meaning

--Perhaps, perhaps not. This is an assertion or an aphorism and you give me no reason to believe with you. Show me how you (or the character) came to this belief.

What i'm saying may sound sound strange to you

--Typos again. It doesn't sound strange because I have so very little to go on. Why do you think it's strange?

But not to me

--Why?

What I am saying is willing and free
--How do you characterize fairly common abstract statements as 'willing and free'? Has this been a process of thought, of events in your life, or something else that has brought you (or the character) to this conclusion. Show us how you came to these ideas. Show why you willingly say them and why you are free to say them as opposed to other people.


Life is hard for you and me

Okay, see above.

But thoe it is strange we will come through

Why 'thoe'? I think the more common spelling would be more appropriate here. What is strange? What will we come through? Life? Again, life is a word that can mean many different things. What does it mean to you as specifically as you can possibly make it.

All together me and you

'you and me'; 'me and you' seems very repetitive. Perhaps your shooting for existentialism here? I suggest you read some Sarte or Camus and try to get feel for their style.

Hope the best for you but you really do need to work on this poem a lot more.

Good luck,
Brad

Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
2 posted 1999-09-26 11:20 PM


Back again. I also note that you've only had two posts so far. I encourage you to read some other posts here and comment -- try to see what other people are doing as well. In writing poetry, reading, communicating, and feedback are very imortant.

Brad

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