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epoet
Member

since 2000-05-11

Posts 291
grand rapid,MI, usa

0 posted 2001-07-25 08:37 PM

Looking back
Upon this wasted life
Wondering where
My joy went.

Borne of love
Raised by hate
Where did this
Little child go wrong.

Wondering if today
Would be the same
Anger rises
At his fate.

Trapped by yelling
Screaming buffoons
Wishing so much
To be like you.

He cries at night
Into his pillow
Gripped tightly
To his face.

Growing up
He discovers love
Touching his heart
With it's sweer caress.

Opening his eyes
To a world
He's never seen
He cries.

Cries for now
He has found
His life isn't
As wasted as it seems.

He struggles to reach
The higher ground
Where his true love
Will always be.

He sees her there
Smiling sweetly
Beckoning him
To capture her heart.

Wanting to quit
He finds the climb hard
Weakening him even further.

Reaching down deep
He draws upon his need
To feel desired.

Renewed and refreshed
He begins again
To conquer this mountain
Of despair.

Reaching the top
He looks down below
To see only
His once shattered dreams.

Now with love
By his side
He will succeed
In pursuing his dreams.

P. J. Kotrch
carpe diem
A soul once touched is a soul once blessed by love

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

1 posted 2001-07-27 01:08 AM

I think this reads a bit too much like a laundry list... you could improve it by maybe making the lines longer without as many abrupt breaks. Also, some of your stanzas just start with a verb, as if it was imperitive, but it seems like it's a description.... maybe if it was phrased a little more like a sentence, with a subject action and object it would move along better. Hope I helped some.

You are more than the sum of what you consume
Desire is not an occupation
-Nicole Blackman/KMFDM

Janette

Member Elite

since 2001-07-20

Posts 2843
Chicagoland for now

2 posted 2001-07-27 05:03 AM

A lovely poem...sharing the struggle of life and ending with joy and success...very nice.

Here is my only suggestion:

In the 1st stanza you used "my" then for the rest of the poem you used "he" or "his". So perhaps you might think about changing the following:

your words-
Wondering where
My joy went

suggestion-
Wondering where
His joy went

This way the entire poem is more consistent.

Jeen
Member

since 2000-06-07

Posts 91

3 posted 2001-07-29 07:53 PM

I like this poem, because it feels like it is one that has to be written.

I do agree with hush, a little long on the stanzas. Decide on the most important moments to explain why joy is gone and personalize them a little bit more.

Details, specifics, to make the poem yours alone.

Jeen

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