navwin » Archives » Critical Analysis #1 » Flowers
Critical Analysis #1
Post A Reply Post New Topic Flowers Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
Littlewings
Member
since 1999-09-19
Posts 62


0 posted 1999-09-22 05:03 PM


Would you care if I cried?
I do , cry about you.
My heart will hurt.
You take my time , you take my breath.
I dont know what to say
to my simple eyes pleasure.
I wish you would just know im there.
Would you even really care ...
If I wore flowers in my hair.

This is a poem dedicated to Dado...

© Copyright 1999 Littlewings - All Rights Reserved
Littlewings
Member
since 1999-09-19
Posts 62

1 posted 1999-09-22 05:04 PM


There is supposed to be a question mark at the end!!!
roxane
Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505
us
2 posted 1999-09-22 09:14 PM


this is also good. i can't even begin to critique it.. great!
Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
3 posted 1999-09-22 09:28 PM


Littlewings, it seems we have very different ideas about what poetry is. Nothing wrong with that but I don't know how useful my words will be to you. Please remember, this is the Critical Analysis forum but I mean nothing insulting by this:

Sorry, this poem doesn't work for me. I don't see anybody I can care about, no situation, no voice, and the last line reminds me of Led Zeppelin. Tell me the whole story, make me care (or despise) the characters in the story -- true or fictive.

You said on another post that you like to write about feelings but feelings without a situation are abstractions -- they don't make the reader feel anything. Reality and feeling comes in the detail (most of the time). Don't hide in your head; tell us what happened. I want a rewrite.

Just an opinion,
Brad




Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Archives » Critical Analysis #1 » Flowers

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary