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Critical Analysis #1
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The Talk Show
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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The Talk Show |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I was on a talk show Which was to celebrate All the things I'd done. (It was a small talk show.) We had a glass of champagne Before I went on And red in a hot flash Became a little dizzy. Gavin MacLeod discussed His love affair with applause. He danced at the beginning To the audience clapping. Joan Rivers, who talked Too fast about too many Things, said her Favorite book was War and Peace, if you skip The war and concentrate On love scenes. Later, I came on and The stars stayed, we talked About writing and Jay Looked very interested, But no one had read What I had written. Discussed writing in General and the universal Need for self expression. I was still and red and Dizzy, finally stood up And declared I was an Alcoholic to which Joan said: "After all I've been through If you're an alcoholic I want to be one too." It was a joke but only the Audience laughed on cue. [This message has been edited by Brad (edited 09-22-1999).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 Brad - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Littlewings Member
since 1999-09-19
Posts 62 |
gooood brad. It seems like a whirlwind of media and culture . In the times we are in -i can relate to this. |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
I really liked this Brad--funny, and yet such a sad comment on people and what is important. Great word placement, especialy the ending! |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
OK Brad, this my first attempt at my new approach to criticism, so bear with me. Ok, first off, I thought the tale quite humourous. A suggestion from me, IMHO, would be to take another look at your format. It seemed a little difficult to read. IE: "Joan Rivers, who talked Too fast about too many Things, said her Favorite book was War and Peace, if you skip The war and concentrate On love scenes." To me, it seems that these line might work a little better if broken up differently. I found myself stumbling over the words a bit. Which, might lend to the feeling of the dizzyness, but which made me feel a loss of importance at a few words. A suggestion might be: (Please excuse my boldness!)  Joan Rivers- who talked too fast about too many things, said, her favorite book, was War and Peace... if you skip -the war- and concentrate... On love scenes! Since I had the temerity to attempt to rewrite, I also took the liberty of adjusting some of the punctuation. This is just an idea, which I feel might give the same impression of stumbling a bit, while still focusing on the "punch lines." Thats' my two cents, other than to say again that I thought it quite funny. (PQ-if you don't mind, is this a true story?) Chris |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Thanks to all who commented. I'm glad that people felt 'whirlwinds' and 'dizziness' throughout the piece. Chrisopher, You may have a point about certain of the lines not flowing very well (obviously at least partially intended). I sometimes get so caught up in form or effect that I forget people still have to read them to enjoy them. I'll think about it. However, you have a good point about the 'Things, said her' line; it does seem a bit awkward. Yeah, I'm going to change it (you will soon see this poem edited thanks to you). However, I'm still the author and there's just no way I'm going to accept an exclamation mark in this poem. No Way!!!!!!! Brad |
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Iloveit Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 1121NM |
I guess its about style, I find myself writing as you did in this poem, which btw Iliked very much, what a commentary on life in this age of media.... but back to your style, normally a line is written until it pauses, and a pause is read or a comma inserted, as in some of your other lines. But for a different effect, the line is ended on the word before the comma as in yours, So I read this just fine. the only thing I didn't understand was the lines about being "red"....I would like you to explain, my guess would be that it has to do with the alcoholism.....?? although I can't say what, I just know how I want it to sound, I haven't posted one here yet, but will post one of mine that I remember writing like this, and welcome brad, I don't have a lot of time online, but like this section, and am looking forward to more participation ...and the ending....that is killer, I loved it! lol talk about editing, I don't do this much editing on my poems...must be cause poems come from the heart and critique comes from the head [This message has been edited by Iloveit (edited 09-27-1999).] |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
LOL@ exclamation point! Of course you are the author Brad, and a fine one at that! Thank you for considering my suggestion openly! LOL! |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
hmmm.... i liked the poem the first time i read it but didn't reply because i didn't want to give the king of negative criticism a compliment, but i guess that is pretty childish, so here goes: It was Great. it was different, not about optimism and love and flowers and shadows and tears and soft skin and ridden with cliches and it didn't rhyme (although i am not totally opposed to rhyme) i really did like it. i am a little disappointed that it wasn't bad because then you could get a little dose of your own medicine, but unfortunately, it was brilliant. (now i'm upset  )anyways nice job  ------------------ "Come night, come darkness, for you cannot come too soon or stay too long in such a place as this." Charles Dickens roxane |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
What is this vile putrid ****????? This has to be the worst poem I've ever read in my entire life....Gavin MacLeod????? Gimmeeeeee a break man!!!....Jay????which Jay are you referring too....a Jay Bird, The O-Jays????and Joan??? Joan Collins, Joan Rivers, Joan of Arc????which Joan are you talking about???? Tell you what stick to your job translating Penthouse Letters into Korean.....cause this ain't working for you Bud |
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RainbowGirl Member Elite
since 1999-07-31
Posts 3023United Kingdom |
Trevor: Are you blind or something? Brad does actually say Joan Rivers....hmmmm Critical is great, constructive even better, blindness or inability to read...no comment! ------------------ You give but little when you give of your possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give. |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
Trevor, please be courteous! There is no cause for rudeness here! You will soon receive a personal e-mail from me!!! |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Oh Rainbow girl and Poet DeVine Yes Rainbow girl, critical is good and constructive even better....perhaps you should give Brad both of these??? Tell me why I shouldn't have wrote what I did. And making fun of someone's blindness or lack of reading skills....for shame....and please don't tell me you weren't by that "no comment".....As for you Miss/Mrs. Ma'am Poet DeVine....it's nice to know I'll finally get some fan mail If I don't stop saying what I please, will you begin to edit my comments, (do they do that here, I mean do they {the powers that be} edit people's work and comments???) will you try and supress my thoughts and protect the ears and eyes and brains of all those here???....Are you speaking for everyone when you say I'm being rude or just for you and Rainbow girl??? Will you revoke my privilages??? I haven't heard anyone else sqwuakkkking. Anyways you probably already sent the email and you probably already got my response so you know how I truly feel.[This message has been edited by Trevor (edited 10-02-1999).] |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
roxane, Thanks for the comments. I'm sure I'll post some stuff that you can sink your teeth into -- just give it time. Trevor, Talk about announcing your presence with authority!!  I thought you got rid of that cankor on your eyeball a while back. Looks like we need another trip to the eye doctor.Poet DeVine, If you and Trevor are going to fight, will you take it to the Philosophy forum? Free Speech and such things are very complicated subjects (Brad, is there anything you consider simple? Well, my brain, sometimes) Rainbow Girl, I am coming to your two new poems. Be afraid. Be very afraid. Hey, I'm starting to have fun. Brad |
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RainbowGirl Member Elite
since 1999-07-31
Posts 3023United Kingdom |
Trevor: I was raised to be diplomatic and if a blind person was capable of reading something without braille then I admit the comment would be unforgiveable but you obviously can read otherwise you couldn't have commented. So, I guess I came down to your level and then to sarcasm...ooops I have no problem with your comment other than it seems rude to me and that's neither critical or constructive in my book (I'm refering to the Penthouse comment) .. HUGS Brad: Damn! and I sent the ambulance away as well..*g* HUGS ------------------ You give but little when you give of your possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give. [This message has been edited by RainbowGirl (edited 10-02-1999).] |
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johnt300 Member
since 1999-09-12
Posts 214san diego, ca. |
Trevor, If your membership is revoked or if your comments are edited, it may seem 'unamerican' to you, or whatever you were trying to get at a few posts ago. But if you would like to see a site that has no moderators really to speak of, check out many of the yahoo sites, for instance the movie review sites. Not even one year ago, the yahoo movie site was a decent place to leave an honest review of a movie, wether or not you are a movie reviewer at all. It was your honest opinion that counted. Well, go check out just about any movie at that site now and try to find an actual review, period. You will be hard-pressed to do so. It has turned into a juvenile free-for-all and is absolutely useless except for the young, immature minds that frequent it. In my own opinion, if your opinions keep up the level of mean spiritedness that you have brought to this site, I hope they do edit you out. This site is for constructive criticism, only. I know, I know. I can be a wind bag whenever I see fit. But at least I'm constructive about it. |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Okay dokey everyone, I guess the reason I had posted what I did (the moronic comments) was to illustrate a point to me or Brad or anyone who cares to listen for a moment. To show that the people here, like most places of this kind, are not truly interested in helping each other grow as writers. Rainbow girl, Poet Devine, and johnt300 all took the time to respond to garbage instead of using it to respond to a poem by Brad. How come you never gave a critique of the poem? You had time to respond to something that would have been better off being ignored or left up to the author to rebuttal yet you made no mention of the quality of the poem. Brad's a big boy, he can take care of himself I myself, liked the poem, I already emailed Brad a critique. And when people do respond it's usually something like, "Oh, you're so wonderful! Don't change a thing.". "Good stuff" and "I know this person so I know where they're coming from and the poem is so true"...well la-dee-da....Oh and some people all of a sudden think just because they've had some bad experience or what they consider a hardship that it's a great poem all of a sudden....because it's chalked full of emotion you can't say anything bad about it....gimmee a break....I'm sure that's how the great writers of the past became great. It's nice to share, and I always appreciate the sentiments behind a poem, honestly, but if you don't want people to critique it, why post it at a place called Critical Analysis? Maybe it would be better off in another area of the forum or tucked in a shoebox beneath one's bed. I guess in my odd way, a very round-a-bout way that perhaps only makes sense to me, I was just trying to get across the point that I don't think people here, or at the Open Scroll, and probably all other similar sites, take the value of critiquing serious. Everyone seems to want critical comments but no one is willing to give them and when given, they are usually nothing more than patronage, high fiving, ass slapping and back patting. I don't know if using Brad's poem was the best example because I see there are a couple of good critiques here,(and I imagine it's only because of the extraordinary effort he puts into trying to get people to care about poetry/writing as much as he does), but Brad is the only person I know well enough to do something like this to. I posted a poem and about seven detailed critiques....almost every person that I gave a critique to, had the time to respond to it yet couldn't find ten extra minutes to give me one critique....not a single person had the courteousy to return the favor. I sincerely apoligise for wasting people's time and coming off as an ass in my real first impression here at Passion Forum but I only did this because I love everything about writing and I hate to see it being mocked so like it is here, and elsewhere, not in the quality of the poetry but in the disguise this place lives under as a helpful too for aspiring poets. I hope I did ruffle a few tail feathers and get people here thinking about each other's work and not just their own....people don't post their poetry to be ignored so how about all of us chip in and give in to their request of hearing what people think of their work. Now on to something else. johnt300, Why you referred to "unamerican" when I awkwardly touched on freedom of speech is beyond me....who ever said anything about America, I was talking about being able to speak one's mind. Do you think that everyone here is American? I won't say anymore on the subject as per request of Brad and because this space should be more for the critiques then any of my half assed theories. If you have something further to add on this subject, please feel free to e-mail me. One more thing though, you said, "This site is for constructive criticism, only." I agree yet I've barely seen one Rainbow girl, I was only horsing around with the blind and reading skill comments....and thank God you're coming down to my level because I'm tired of striving to be a better person Poet Devine, I hope my email explained my hare-brained actions. Brad here's what I meant about the Joan Rivers comment in my e-mail. Here's what you have: "Joan Rivers, who talked Too fast about too many Things, said her Favorite book was War and Peace, if you skip The war and concentrate On love scenes." and here's my idea for a change: "Joan Rivers, who talked too fast about too many things, said her favorite book was War and Peace, if you skip the war and concentrate on love scenes." either that or: "JoanRiverswhotalkedtoofastabouttoomanythingssaidherfavoritebookwasWarandPeaceifyouskipthewarandconcentrateonlovescenes." Just an idea. It might add a nice tempo change and give a more hectic feel to Joan Rivers Anyways, I apoligise to all if I've caused too much of a stink, especially to Brad who invited me here (I hope I didn't embarass you too much). I hope I've explained myself well enough to smooth out any bumps that exist between me and anyone here. Thank you for your time and patience. Take care everyone, sincerely, Trevor |
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RainbowGirl Member Elite
since 1999-07-31
Posts 3023United Kingdom |
Trevor: It's not a good thing to make assumptions you know..*g* and especially not about me, I tend to respond..LOL Brad invited me to post some poems here via a discussion in another forum, hence the humour between us.. I don't make comments on anyone's poems here because I tend to read each person's work through my own feelings and therefore don't feel that I'm able to be constructive about anyone's work...I'm also of the belief that constructive criticism should be left to those who know what they're talking about and I'm not one of them.. HUGS ------------------ You give but little when you give of your possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give. |
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johnt300 Member
since 1999-09-12
Posts 214san diego, ca. |
Trevor, You are right. I have done that before and kicked myself for it later. I did assume you were American and that was my fault. I do believe that what you were getting at what is the core of America, though: Freedom of speech. I will try to make myself more clear next time. |
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doreen peri Member Elite
since 1999-05-25
Posts 3812Virginia |
HEY TREVOR!!!!!! I LOVE YOU! Really, i really really do!! I wish I had written every word of what you wrote above.... (but then, I'd be on the hot seat, not you, but i'm used to it... LOL) I think the misunderstanding here is that nobody knew you knew Brad and were playing around... they thought you were some rookie off the street! hehehe Welcome to Passions, my friend! Hey, who died and made you King of Critique? J/K.... but if you say *ANYTHING* except "nice poem" and "great job" in response to MY poetry, well....well.... geez, i guess i won't talk to you anymore... Seriously, it's GREAT to see you here taking a stand for the importance of REAL critiquing and editing your work and WORKING on honing writing skills. This is a breath of fresh air and, just as at the Scroll, I am VERY much looking forward to reading your honest & constructive critiques of my work. (I only posted a couple here yesterday.... so this forum is new to me but when I noticed Brad was the moderator, I said, WRITE ON!! I'm there!) Let's leave the mutual admiration society for another forum, shall we? And let's get to WORK working on our WORKS!! doreen(btw, there's a new guy over at the scroll by the name of joe who's offering some detailed constructive critiques.... good stuff! have you seen any of his critiques? what do you think?) |
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doreen peri Member Elite
since 1999-05-25
Posts 3812Virginia |
Oh, shoot! I got so carried away, I forgot to critique Brad's poem! I will reserve this spot for that and come back and edit in a critique later.... gotta get off the web for now.... this stuff can be addicting!! I mean, I'm obsessed with it... hehehe (reference "feelings" forum thread) ok, ladies and gentleman, carry on.... i'll be BACK!!! mwahahahaha |
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Iloveit Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 1121NM |
dooreen, loved your posts, hope your enthusiasm for editing is catching this is a hard forum to work I think, on open, sometimes people critique, but usually just post on the ones they really like, so to come to this one and post something you might feel as negative goes against the grain. I am like rainbow, and find it hard to critique, first I don't know or understand meter and rhythm, as I usually write freestle. If we could all just agree that we might disagree and no one take comments personally, we might actually get somewhere. *I* will try harder...I might not be able to read all the poems but the ones I do read I will promise to do my best at critiquing |
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JOY 14 Senior Member
since 1999-09-22
Posts 1419Wisconsin USA |
All I can say is that 20 posts is a lot. This will make it 21, and all I can say about the poem, is that it could be interpreted in so many ways,(like any poem) and the only one who knows what it means or what it's expressing is the author. So, Brad, what does it mean? |
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Seoulair Senior Member
since 2008-03-27
Posts 807Seoul S.Korea |
This is a lovely piece. You do not write like this any more. The spirit just naturally flew out.(did you drink?) I would not edit your poem like others though I have the urge. Very good. |
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